Word Associations...

[cineman74]

As of late, whenever I get upset or anxious, I sometimes tend to find myself creating word associations with things or people. I always try to be very nice verbally and action-wise, as I don't believe in meanness, but unconsciously I find these associations recurring on a constant basis. Every day. They come to mind, somehow they stick, sometimes for a while and they make me feel awful, like I'm turning into someone else. It feels so real, like I've just insulted someone in my head, but I know it's just something popping into my head. Maybe a combination of guilt and conscience thankfully tells me I really don't want to be so negative, but I can't get this process to turn off. When I speak things aloud, however, my own "voice" is filled with its usual clarity.

Does anyone know how these mental word associations are made and how can they be broken? Whenever it happens in my mind, it makes me anxious, sometimes anxious around people for fear that maybe my mind will vent a little bit and I'll feel like I've done it again. My whole life, people are the thing I've valued most, I just don't want a large ball of stress or anxiety to persist with mental associations I desperately don't want popping in.

I could rationalize it and say "well, I really just want to be nasty," but I really don't. It's draining, it's a terrible feeling and it just is so present, it feels like I really believe what my mind is coming up with. Like most of us here, I'm a smart guy that feel like he's not in control of some element of thinking and very stressed.

Can word associations and their constant appearance be vanquished or am I stuck forever in this cycle?

Thanks again, all. Stay safe.

~Ben

[joey9]

I don't know about word associations but I do know that often the things that we value the most are the things that can act as the trigger for our anxiety. These things are very personal to the individual but threats to whatever these values are can make us anxious, especially if we are physically vulnerable too, e.g. through stress, poor diet, illness, hormone imbalance etc. You say that you don't want to be nasty to people - of course you don't - because your value system says that getting along with people is extremely important and being nasty to people would make you feel deeply uncomfortable. The fact is, that being nice to people is a very nice quality. We should all be nice and try to get along. But sometimes we come across situations where being nice isn't possible or appropriate. In those situations we can be less than nice to people without feeing bad. I'm not saying that you WANT to be nasty to people - but sometimes shit happens and a nasty word here and there shouldn't be anything to beat yourself up over. Anyway, the point is, at the very least, if you value niceness so much then your not-so-nice word associations will of course freak you out and make you anxious. And the more you focus on how awful this is, the more anxious you will become, at the thought that you might be a nasty person. I'm sure you are not - even if you genuinely think badly of someone this does not make you a nasty person. Learn to let it go a little - don't give your anxiety something to feed on.