Looking for some support

[twinsmake5]

I don't even know where to begin with my story. I have had anxiety ever since I can remember. In fact I can't remember ever not having it. I have been taking medication for anxiety/ depression since 2001. I have had times where it was really bad and then I have had times where I actually felt normal for a while.

Over the last month my anxiety has been through the roof. It has slowly gotten worse by the day. I have gotten so that I would rather just sleep than deal with it. I don't leave the house unless necessary because I am afraid I will hear or see something that will set my anxiety into full gear. I can't continue this way. I have 5 children and a husband and I need to be able to function. This is the first time I have ever been at home with no kids since they are all in school now. I know that that adds to my anxiety. I have so much quiet in the house that it is literally driving me crazy.

I currently take welbutrin, ativan and I just started celexa. I have always been told I have anxiety but I have never been diagnosed with a specific one. I have been to a psychiatrist and I felt it did not help me at all. I guess I am just looking for support and answers to what should I do to keep my anxiety at a normal level. I have so much fear and irrational thoughts. If someone could see inside my mind they would truly think I was crazy. My husband has no clue the extent of my anxiety. I hide it well. I am just at the end of my rope. I need support when I am have an attack. I need help figuring out how to talk myself out of it. Fear has overtaken my life and it has made me a prisoner. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[JustaGal]

Hi,

Is there anyone you are comfortable talking to? Sharing some of the thoughts? Do you think that would help some?

I have the same issue with fear and thoughts. I am seeing a counselor and working through past trauma.

[JustaGal]

I am not surprised the psychiatrist was not a help. They are more for med management than talk therapy.

[Im-Suffering]

I don't even know where to begin with my story. I have had anxiety ever since I can remember. In fact I can't remember ever not having it. I have been taking medication for anxiety/ depression since 2001. I have had times where it was really bad and then I have had times where I actually felt normal for a while.

Over the last month my anxiety has been through the roof. It has slowly gotten worse by the day. I have gotten so that I would rather just sleep than deal with it. I don't leave the house unless necessary because I am afraid I will hear or see something that will set my anxiety into full gear. I can't continue this way. I have 5 children and a husband and I need to be able to function. This is the first time I have ever been at home with no kids since they are all in school now. I know that that adds to my anxiety. I have so much quiet in the house that it is literally driving me crazy.

I currently take welbutrin, ativan and I just started celexa. I have always been told I have anxiety but I have never been diagnosed with a specific one. I have been to a psychiatrist and I felt it did not help me at all. I guess I am just looking for support and answers to what should I do to keep my anxiety at a normal level. I have so much fear and irrational thoughts. If someone could see inside my mind they would truly think I was crazy. My husband has no clue the extent of my anxiety. I hide it well. I am just at the end of my rope. I need support when I am have an attack. I need help figuring out how to talk myself out of it. Fear has overtaken my life and it has made me a prisoner. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

The prison is symbolic. Do not continue to over medicate by adding additional medicines. The mental idea of being trapped is materialized in the home and the inability to communicate and be heard. Likely a carryover from childhood, when you would blame yourself if no one payed sufficient attention or you were told children should be seen and not heard. You withdrew in hurt then, finding yourself unlovable.

Fast forward now, the children to an extent, who must love you, gave you a reprieve from the hurts of the past. Now that they are growing and showing some independence, you are feeling somewhat disconnected as their needs start to met elsewhere as well. Inability to discuss your issue with your spouse and the suppressed ideas of hiding them are suffocating, and now that the kids are away for some time there is no one to fall on, should you need an injection of love during the day, so to speak.

The warden can pardon your sentence, as long as you deal with the emotions inside you that you buried long ago in lieu of having many children and the home life you thought would mask the lack of love you received as a child, the abandonment you felt, but as you see, the feelings stay with you, to some degree. periods of rest and calm followed by contrasting periods of eruptions.

Now, if you've had anxiety as long as you can remember, than you can also remember the trauma at that early period. You may have blocked them to an extent in an attempt to preserve your health, but that works against you as the words and pictures may be gone but the feelings remain.

The irrational thoughts contain the self suggestions you gave yourself as a child to cope with any abusive behavior from the caregivers. They are irrational now because they come from a child's perspective since you never gave her a chance to speak, or heal, period. But, the thoughts are valid in a sense the anxiety of that child is contained within them, like a secret message, you receive inner communications. Deny them, and once again, just like you did long ago, you invalidate the child.

So the key is within the chatter, in the fear, in the self talk, and the way you see yourself. As you heal that, and get in contact with the hurt child through imagination, the prison boundaries will lift revealing a big beautiful world for your exploration.

Given with love.

[JustaGal]

The prison is symbolic. Do not continue to over medicate by adding additional medicines. The mental idea of being trapped is materialized in the home and the inability to communicate and be heard. Likely a carryover from childhood, when you would blame yourself if no one payed sufficient attention or you were told children should be seen and not heard. You withdrew in hurt then, finding yourself unlovable.

Fast forward now, the children to an extent, who must love you, gave you a reprieve from the hurts of the past. Now that they are growing and showing some independence, you are feeling somewhat disconnected as their needs start to met elsewhere as well. Inability to discuss your issue with your spouse and the suppressed ideas of hiding them are suffocating, and now that the kids are away for some time there is no one to fall on, should you need an injection of love during the day, so to speak.

The warden can pardon your sentence, as long as you deal with the emotions inside you that you buried long ago in lieu of having many children and the home life you thought would mask the lack of love you received as a child, the abandonment you felt, but as you see, the feelings stay with you, to some degree. periods of rest and calm followed by contrasting periods of eruptions.

Now, if you've had anxiety as long as you can remember, than you can also remember the trauma at that early period. You may have blocked them to an extent in an attempt to preserve your health, but that works against you as the words and pictures may be gone but the feelings remain.

The irrational thoughts contain the self suggestions you gave yourself as a child to cope with any abusive behavior from the caregivers. They are irrational now because they come from a child's perspective since you never gave her a chance to speak, or heal, period. But, the thoughts are valid in a sense the anxiety of that child is contained within them, like a secret message, you receive inner communications. Deny them, and once again, just like you did long ago, you invalidate the child.

So the key is within the chatter, in the fear, in the self talk, and the way you see yourself. As you heal that, and get in contact with the hurt child through imagination, the prison boundaries will lift revealing a big beautiful world for your exploration.

Given with love.

That is what I feel I am dealing with and working through. Childhood trauma expressing itself through anxiety and not feeling safe. Can you relate to that twinsmake5?

[Steven Miller]

Over the last month my anxiety has been through the roof. It has slowly gotten worse by the day. I have gotten so that I would rather just sleep than deal with it. I don't leave the house unless necessary because I am afraid I will hear or see something that will set my anxiety into full gear.

What might you hear or see that would push your anxiety into full gear? Think about it carefully.


I have 5 children and a husband and I need to be able to function.

What would happen if you couldn't function? A lot of large families lose their mother or father at a young age and somehow they survive. Im not a therapist but I might suggest that you have never been able to do what you want, to be selfish and to have your own dreams. Now you are projecting that and believe that without you, your children and family won't be able to ever realize their own dreams. They would. It's you that you need to take care of. That is the best way to teach them the #1 lesson in life: To take care of yourself. I'm not saying you have to take care of yourself alone. Enlisting the help of your husband and people on the internet is beneficial, you are not alone. So many of us deal with what you are going through. Once you have your motivation back, then you can take care of others. Not the other way around.


I have so much quiet in the house that it is literally driving me crazy.

Staying in your house the rest of your life is not an option. So you need to do the work of getting out of the house, and it seems to me you have shown a lot of motivation to do so which is a great sign.


Fear has overtaken my life and it has made me a prisoner.

What are you afraid of? This is a very important question. Be honest, no matter how ridiculous it may sound.

P.S. Im-Suffering assumes everyone with anxiety has had childhood trauma. Maybe you have, I don't know. But I haven't and I still have had to deal with many of the same issues, so it isn't intrinsically relevant, if you know what I am saying.

[twinsmake5]

Hi,

Is there anyone you are comfortable talking to? Sharing some of the thoughts? Do you think that would help some?

I have the same issue with fear and thoughts. I am seeing a counselor and working through past trauma.

I don't really have anyone that I feel comfortable talking to. I came here because I felt there would be others who understood me. I don't really have any trauma that caused my anxiety. I have just always had it. As I have gotten older it has gotten worse. I am definetely the worse I have ever been at this point.

Essentially I have irrational thoughts and fears. It is the same ones over and over. How does everyone else cope with this? I have tried talking myself out of it but that does not seem to help. It just seems to keep getting worse. I don't want to go out unless I have to because I am afraid something will trigger it all over again.

I am just looking for some help to get through this bout I am having.

[twinsmake5]

What might you hear or see that would push your anxiety into full gear? Think about it carefully.



What would happen if you couldn't function? A lot of large families lose their mother or father at a young age and somehow they survive. Im not a therapist but I might suggest that you have never been able to do what you want, to be selfish and to have your own dreams. Now you are projecting that and believe that without you, your children and family won't be able to ever realize their own dreams. They would. It's you that you need to take care of. That is the best way to teach them the #1 lesson in life: To take care of yourself. I'm not saying you have to take care of yourself alone. Enlisting the help of your husband and people on the internet is beneficial, you are not alone. So many of us deal with what you are going through. Once you have your motivation back, then you can take care of others. Not the other way around.



Staying in your house the rest of your life is not an option. So you need to do the work of getting out of the house, and it seems to me you have shown a lot of motivation to do so which is a great sign.



What are you afraid of? This is a very important question. Be honest, no matter how ridiculous it may sound.

P.S. Im-Suffering assumes everyone with anxiety has had childhood trauma. Maybe you have, I don't know. But I haven't and I still have had to deal with many of the same issues, so it isn't intrinsically relevant, if you know what I am saying.

I have never had a moment to myself in a long time now that the kids are in school. I've handled them being in school pretty well. It's just I have so much time now for my mind to take over. I don't have childhood trauma. I have just always had anxiety. My anxiety that is irrational thoughts and fears are not always the same each time I have a bout with anxiety. I have some that I seem to go back to but I definitely have different ones. I guess I am looking for more of how do you talk your self out of these times? How do you make yourself feel rational again?

[Im-Suffering]

I have never had a moment to myself in a long time now that the kids are in school. I've handled them being in school pretty well. It's just I have so much time now for my mind to take over. I don't have childhood trauma. I have just always had anxiety. My anxiety that is irrational thoughts and fears are not always the same each time I have a bout with anxiety. I have some that I seem to go back to but I definitely have different ones. I guess I am looking for more of how do you talk your self out of these times? How do you make yourself feel rational again?

it takes a very small incident in the holding environment during childhood, for the child to separate or distance herself from pain. A childs nervous system does not fully develop for 14 years. The brain is undeveloped during early years and unable to cope with the slightest of well meaning corrections if the parents have a negative tone. Telepathy plays a big role as the child is tuned in to the parents thinking processes and begins to shape her fledgling personality from the beliefs she is taught, and her reactions, internally, verbally, to them. One "I am bad" leads to the next, and the incipient event need not be more than "put that sweet back until after dinner".

Both you and Steven miller do not understand the true nature of A child's mind. nor do you need remembered events of abuse to consider trauma in your overall condition. Steven Miller would be best suited to understand my posts for he is not in the position to critique them. No one on this board is.

I behoove you to read my post several times, print it, until you understand it. the correlation between your thoughts as a child, your conditioning, has been forgotten - what you told yourself over and over as a child another words in response to environmental stimulus, and or actions or words, punishments, or even your response to love - all would have become distorted for a child is not sufficiently developed nor capable of reasoning his circumstances. You were not born deficient, no exceptions. Your emotions this day are the tail end of the self suggestions you spoke internally, as you came to conclusions early on what life is like, again, period.

You needn't remember trauma, or suffer abuse to lie to yourself, you just need that negative slant. Of which you still hold today.

i came because you called, and the words were given, you have free will what to do with them.

[JustaGal]

I don't really have anyone that I feel comfortable talking to. I came here because I felt there would be others who understood me. I don't really have any trauma that caused my anxiety. I have just always had it. As I have gotten older it has gotten worse. I am definetely the worse I have ever been at this point.

Essentially I have irrational thoughts and fears. It is the same ones over and over. How does everyone else cope with this? I have tried talking myself out of it but that does not seem to help. It just seems to keep getting worse. I don't want to go out unless I have to because I am afraid something will trigger it all over again.

I am just looking for some help to get through this bout I am having.

Well, people here certainly understand. I applaud you for coming out of isolation.
This is a great place to share and get ideas. I struggle as well, I try to replace the thought with a better thought. I am not doing great at this all the time.
You could write down your fears and thoughts and replace it with the truth, or just write it out so you can see it on paper for what it is. You may consider sharing some fears on here if you feel that would break some of its hold.

[Im-Suffering]

Well, people here certainly understand. I applaud you for coming out of isolation.
This is a great place to share and get ideas. I struggle as well, I try to replace the thought with a better thought. I am not doing great at this all the time.
You could write down your fears and thoughts and replace it with the truth, or just write it out so you can see it on paper for what it is. You may consider sharing some fears on here if you feel that would break some of its hold.

Beliefs generate emotions which generate thoughts. Not any other way.

Thus the "irrational thoughts" or fears, internal dialogue, are backed, fueled, attached to emotions. Therefor one cannot simply replace a thought with a better thought unless you pluck out the roots, and when I say roots that is symbolic for the core beliefs, the root experiences psychologically that once were used as a verbal assault on oneself generating the sufficient negative emotions to become a lasting belief. A belief without emotion is a lie, and you can't lie to yourself, it won't stick.

[JustaGal]

Beliefs generate emotions which generate thoughts. Not any other way.

Thus the "irrational thoughts" or fears, internal dialogue, are backed, fueled, attached to emotions. Therefor one cannot simply replace a thought with a better thought unless you pluck out the roots, and when I say roots that is symbolic for the core beliefs, the root experiences psychologically that once were used as a verbal assault on oneself generating the sufficient negative emotions to become a lasting belief. A belief without emotion is a lie, and you can't lie to yourself, it won't stick.

I agree the root must be pulled for true results. To get to the root I need to stop the mass dirt and leaves from covering the roots.

[Im-Suffering]

I agree the root must be pulled for true results. To get to the root I need to stop the mass dirt and leaves from covering the roots.

Follow your feelings. Should you catch yourself in a thought that doesn't feel good, dig into it. Probe and ask questions. In your mind, sit for 10 minutes with the little girl, who never had a voice, for she is holding onto the emotions like a security blanket. Ask her questions, show her love.

Keep going back into the emotion, until you see pictures of events, and listen to the story. You will hear the words you spoke, and those spoken words were the beginning of the beliefs because they were spoken in the midst of highly charged emotions. The energy fueled their duration.

You will eventually peak and find no more to the story, and during that peak is when you teach the little girl her new belief, you see, in that charged environment you comfort her, and from an adult perspective you teach here.

"I am bad" turns to "I am good" for example, but using this exercise, the words are not empty.

[twinsmake5]

Follow your feelings. Should you catch yourself in a thought that doesn't feel good, dig into it. Probe and ask questions. In your mind, sit for 10 minutes with the little girl, who never had a voice, for she is holding onto the emotions like a security blanket. Ask her questions, show her love.

Keep going back into the emotion, until you see pictures of events, and listen to the story. You will hear the words you spoke, and those spoken words were the beginning of the beliefs because they were spoken in the midst of highly charged emotions. The energy fueled their duration.

You will eventually peak and find no more to the story, and during that peak is when you teach the little girl her new belief, you see, in that charged environment you comfort her, and from an adult perspective you teach here.

"I am bad" turns to "I am good" for example, but using this exercise, the words are not empty.

Thank you for your replies Im-Suffering, but this is not exactly what I was looking for. It is good information but it does not pertain to my situation.

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you for your replies Im-Suffering, but this is not exactly what I was looking for. It is good information but it does not pertain to my situation.

Whatever your irrational or disturbing thoughts are, or should we say unwanted intrusive thoughts, they are worked through in the same manner. it takes work. You cannot feel 'rational' while being led by irrational beliefs. And while I was responding for 'justagal' the way is the same for you both. Or...

The only claim you can make then is from the old movie 'invasion of the body snatchers'. I had this great life, my childhood was perfect, I had the best long lasting love affirming relationships, and still do. Health, wealth and wisdom was easy and natural for me, and yet 'I've always felt badly and anxious at the same time, have I been invaded?'

Your choice indeed.

[JustaGal]

Whatever your irrational or disturbing thoughts are, or should we say unwanted intrusive thoughts, they are worked through in the same manner. it takes work. You cannot feel 'rational' while being led by irrational beliefs. And while I was responding for 'justagal' the way is the same for you both. Or...

The only claim you can make then is from the old movie 'invasion of the body snatchers'. I had this great life, my childhood was perfect, I had the best long lasting love affirming relationships, and still do. Health, wealth and wisdom was easy and natural for me, and yet 'I've always felt badly and anxious at the same time, have I been invaded?'

Your choice indeed.

Your reply was very accurate for me. (listening to the emotion)

[Jaydestorey]

'I need help figuring out how to talk myself out of it.' This is the one bit that really stood out to me, and there are so many ways to do this. CBT is one way, I actually start it in a few days time and i'm genuinely excited, It's short for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which basically means therapy to change the way your brain/thoughts behave, so for example you/a therapist could use CBT to change your brain's anxious reaction to a quiet house, to one of relief if that makes sense. It's a really practical way to deal with things like triggers which is why i'm excited to start it for my anxiety, the thought of being able to change my negative views to positive or even neutral ones is amazing to me. If you're not comfortable with or able to see a therapist, you could perhaps try self help books. Ones that use CBT would obviously be the most ideal, i'm working through a CBT book for low self-esteem at the moment and i'm picking up rules and techniques to see and react to things differently.
It doesn't go deep down into the root of the problem but I honestly am unsure if all anxiety/depression etc has a cause, obviously there are causes like abuse for some people but lots of others say there is no specific cause. I'm torn between knowing it can be caused by environmental factors and experiences, but also knowing it involves chemicals and hormones etc. Either way I believe it's a really helpful form of therapy!
I hope I made sense!

[Steven Miller]

I guess I am looking for more of how do you talk your self out of these times? How do you make yourself feel rational again?

The only way past your irrational thinking is to go directly through it. It is interesting to me that you did not reply with one example of an irrational thought that you have had. The best way to stop having them is to stop getting them to begin with. And that will require an understanding of where the "irrational" thoughts are coming from.

It takes time and effort but there are no shortcuts. If you own your thoughts, look them in the face, and understand why you are having them, you can get past them. But that requires actually going into them in a way that isn't superficial or snap judgmental like "that's stupid" or "that's irrational". I get that you just want to figure out a way to change your mindset and feel rational, but the only way to do that is to understand why you are being irrational in the first place. "Because I am alone for the first time" doesn't explain it. A lot of people have their children leave and are okay. The clues to why you in particular are dealing with this lie in the beliefs themselves.

[trinidiva]

I totally understand....however, I will be completely honest with you. You can't always just talk yourself out of it....no matter how hard you try. I tried that for a long time and it just didn't work. I wanted to get better for my kids my husband but mostly for myself.
I see you are already taking meds. I would recommend that you talk to your doc....your meds or RX may need to be adjusted. That happened to me. I also tried other things like meditation....it helped....they even have free apps like Headspace and free sessions on YouTube. I also changed my eating habits.....cutting out alot of excess caffeine and also things like MSG. ....which triggers panic attacks for me. Last, exercise has helped tremondously. You don't have to do anything extreme...just taking a brisk walk or doing an exercise routine for 30 minutes a few times a week will make you feel so much better. This is a great group to chat with people who understand. Hope you feel better soon.

[twinsmake5]

The only way past your irrational thinking is to go directly through it. It is interesting to me that you did not reply with one example of an irrational thought that you have had. The best way to stop having them is to stop getting them to begin with. And that will require an understanding of where the "irrational" thoughts are coming from.

It takes time and effort but there are no shortcuts. If you own your thoughts, look them in the face, and understand why you are having them, you can get past them. But that requires actually going into them in a way that isn't superficial or snap judgmental like "that's stupid" or "that's irrational". I get that you just want to figure out a way to change your mindset and feel rational, but the only way to do that is to understand why you are being irrational in the first place. "Because I am alone for the first time" doesn't explain it. A lot of people have their children leave and are okay. The clues to why you in particular are dealing with this lie in the beliefs themselves.

Sorry for not providing an example of an irrational thought. I just don't even like to say them out loud, much less write them. I guess to give a general - the news sends me into a panic attack. I start thinking what if? what if? and it spirals from there. Something on FB may trigger it. I just don't know how to make it stop. Do I avoid these things? I thought I was doing better yesterday evening and now I'm full blown back to where I was.

[twinsmake5]

I also want to add that this has been very helpful hearing from everyone. After reading everyones posts and seeing that there is hope I feel a little better. When you are having a panic attack you feel so hopeless. I have noticed my afternoons are a lot better than my mornings. I'm not really sure why, but it seems to take me till afternoon to get myself under control. I am just really glad I found this forum.

[Steven Miller]

We are glad you are here. What you feel is very common. Most days I do fine but I'm on this board for a reason. Right now I have a thought that someone from my past who I had a bad relationship with is going to hurt me. I feel anxious about this right now. I think the thought is probably irrational, but for now it seems very possible. I don't want to die!!!

I think that a lot of the time our relationships give us a sense of security. They make us feel like people are predictable, and therefore not a threat. When you had children in your home, you felt safe around them. You focused your attention on them, and you knew they would do no harm or foul. Without them, you feel more uncertain. You don't know what other people will do.

I think the very best thing for you, honestly, is to get out there and be around other people. Really. I know how hard it is, believe me. Even just going to the local library and reading a book there will help you feel more secure. Or volunteer at an organization that you really respect. Anything to turn off the horrible television and get out there. Most people are kind and harmless, similar to you in many ways.

Let us know how you are doing.