I want to die, anxiety is ruining my life

[elibabes]

Literally i worry about everything, i worry about break ins, i worry about the `police being after me` (havent done anything wrong), i worry about people hateing me, i am always convinced my landlord will tell me `sorry i am having to end your contract`,(effectively making me homeless) i am terrified always of leaving an opened drink in the fridge in case somebody decides to poision me...
Every time i speak to my parents after a while, im always like `oh god whos died now` (weve had several aunts and uncles die this past year).

Honestly it sounds comical, but it is anything but, i simply cant live my life like this
All these things are tied to reasons, i experienced in my teens a burgulary at a friends house when i was home alone, and was confronted by the burgulars, and since then ive been terrified.

It just seems that every horrific thought seems to happen

I have loads of health problems too....

I just have no future, no girlfriend, no stable job, nothing, literally nothing i dont even have a friend in the world, the only people i sort of like is old people when im out shopping i say hello to them and they say hello back, i like old people as they dont judge me.

I say to myself so many times, i just want to die peacefuly without pain in my sleep,

but im just - and this is what i always suffer from, too sensitive i feel terrible, a horrible sensitive pain as to how sad my parents or siblings may be if they hear that i was found dead.
however they dont care about me.. honestly they really dont and never have cared about me.

the only family member i get along with lives abroad, i honestly have nothing to live for, im constantly terrified, constantly ill, i honest to god sit down on the sofa so many times and say `if there is a god out there take me, im ready ive had enough take me already`.

i cant bring myself to do a phsyical method like jump out of window or cut wrists because im terrified of pain etc.

i really just want it to be like sleep, literally i go to sleep switch off thats it...

like i say though im so upset at how my family may feel about this, its almost like i wouldnt want them to know

however, i serious to god, i want out, i want gone, i dont fit in anywhere i have no friends, everything everywhere be it when i was at school, camp, working, or living anywhere.. im scorned at laughed at, be-littled, i have zero confidence i dont want to be on this earth anymore.

i know you can say well it seems you know your parents care`.

its not like that, they would never let me live with them even until i sort my life out, i have been `estranged from there` the last 10 years, all the contact is with them is fone calls

this is what i hate about myself i am just too compassionate and sensitive, when i hear a sad thing happened to somebody i cry inside, its a horrible lonely sad feeling i get inside, i first experienced it as a kid when a bully beat him up, i felt terrible for the other kid, and since then i have this compassion for people even people who dont care about me,
and as strong as i want to die, i just would feel terrible about them being sad about me, but then if i am dead i wont be here to know about it right?

but honestly, i really, and ive been thinking this for years, i want out, i dont want to be here (in this world) anymore...

[AliasEQ]

Hey Elibabes!

First of all, this is life. Welcome. You will enounter hardship, problems and obstacles in your life. Everyone goes through some sh*t in their life. Litterally, everyone. Now, you can choose to give up and lose or fight it and win. When you lose, you feel down, you feel like sh*t - life will actually be sh*t. When you win, you'll enjoy life and you'll realise it's f*cking beautiful. In all cases where you choose to fight, you WIN.

I think you know deep down that leaving this world is a stupid choice. There's so much to discover, so much to enjoy. You're feeling a little bit bad right now and you might feel like it's permanent - It's NOT permanent. It changes, just like the seasons changes. You're feeling bad because it's winter and cold, but spring and summer is just around the corner. Just a metaphor to make you realise how irrational and stupid suicide might be.

I'm your friend. I was just like you 3-4 months ago. Thinking "no future, no job, no life". But when I changed my life, when I choose to fight this bloody sh*t - I reached every goal I wanted. I got a life. You have to fight for it. And stop pushing yourself down. Stop thinking you're bad, you're not.

Don't give up friend. Don't leave this world. Deal with your problems. Deal with your depression. Deal with your anxiety. Even though it's hard, FIGHT!

[Enduronman]

You're feeling a little bit bad right now and you might feel like it's permanent - It's NOT permanent!

Don't give up friend. Don't leave this world. Deal with your problems. Deal with your depression. Deal with your anxiety. Even though it's hard, FIGHT!

Wow!
Powerful post bruh!
It does get better in time, just have to be patient and work towards that goal, and you know it too.

E-Man :)

[moodyedge]

Literally i worry about everything,

Honestly it sounds comical.

I just have no future, no girlfriend, no stable job, nothing, literally nothing i dont even have a friend in the world, the only people i sort of like is old people when im out shopping i say hello to them and theyp say hello back, i like old people as they dont judge me.

i know you can say well it seems you know your parents

this is what i hate about myself i am just too compassionate and sensitive, when i hear a sad thing happened to somebody i cry inside, its a horrible lonely sad feeling i get inside..

Strange reading that. Its almost like I could have wrote it myself.

Ive been there, and still sort of am. I had bad back pain which had me off work for 3 months and this happened shortly before I was planning a trip of a lifetime with my girlfriend to japan. I got so worked up and stressed out that my back was going to ruin the holiday......that it did. I worry about evthing and my back was at the top of the list.I was having severe panic attacks while in japan and was freaking out.....my poor girlfriend really didnt know what to do....she just wanted to come home. I thought I was seriously ill and it was her that said, "your having panic attacks" I didnt know, I just thought I was ill and was also losing my mind.

Thats the most afraid ive ever been in my life, and my poor girlfriend lived through it with me.now shes scared it might happen again and all I can say is, I dont want that, its the most terrified ive ever been and dont want to relive that ever again. Never underestimate the power of the mind over the body...its scary.its bin a rough ride since then..that was in may...6months later ive gone from pillar to post being referred to different people and am now on a waiting list to see another cbt therapist. I hope that helps. I still dont understand what happened during that trip or why im still struggling now but im trying and as we know it is very very hard.



Ive been to the gp and have been waiting for months to be referred to somebody for help.......the whole time the guilt from ruining the trip eats me alive, I feel very much responsible for what happened. She lives 200 miles away so its been very difficult because ive wondered what would come of it.. A few months ago the doctor asked me if I had made any plans to kill myself, he was very concerned about me...as were others. I understand not wanting to wake up and said id happily invite the prospect of going to bed tonight and not waking up in the morning....it just gets to the point where you cant stand it anymore, like being in a pressure cooker wanting to burst.

I have a job, I have a girlfriend......but none of that makes any difference when your worrying. What seems to*happen*is it adds more stress and pressure and I need the opposite.. Dont look at the fact you have neither as a problem, it isnt...its just a situation at the moment, nothing more nothing less. Ive had so much stress and anxiety that I really dont know how ive managed to keep it going. ?.its got to the point where it triggers my attacks because I worry so much about whether or not things are ok between us....and the guilt is always there as I feel like I have to make it up to her for the holiday and how ive been the last 6 months. ?..its our 2 year anniversary on monday the 6th and im travelling to stay with her for the weekend........im already getting anxious and its only Tuesday. I fear if I have a bad weekend then that will be the end of it and il be without her.............I cant control the worry and stress and the holiday did a lot of damage....to us so I think and also to my state of mind. I cant take the stress! Thats all it is, worry, anxiety and stress....and its all an illusion.

I got dumped about 3 years ago out of the blue for somebody else and I think that's made me paranoid that it will happen again. It knocked my confidnce which wasnt high to begin with. I worry now at the slightest bit of tension building snd I think theres problems between us and it freaks me out. I need reassurance, asking, are you ok? Whats wrong? Are you annoyed with me? Its endless. Lighting can strike twice so I tell myself and im terrified I will lose her too. Made harder by the distance.

Anyway,

I know what you mean when you say it sounds comical......truth is it isnt. Ive said that the whole situation is ridiculous, preposterous, pathetic........its debilitating and nobody should underestimate the power the mind can have over the body, its pretty scary.

I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance in japan, I freaked out that much after being there two weeks, 2 days before we were due to fly back it boiled over. I lost the feeling in my legs completely and down one side of my body/arm...laying there almost convinced the relationship would be very much over when we landed back home, I layed in a&e in japan thinking i was paralyzed and I just wanted somebody to shoot me in the back of the head and be done with it. I waited for xray results and I was sure the discs in my back and neck had gone and I had nerve and spine damage......xrays came....my girlfriend, bless her...she was standing there living the knightmare with me.......doctor came in and said.....everything looks normal. I said, what? Cant be? They turned the screen around and showed me....look....normal. 20 minutes later I was walking out of there to a waiting room to oay the bill for the ambulance and evthing else wondering what the f**k just happened and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I was sure I was losing my mind and that was the proof. Since then.....5 or 6 months later, I still dont talk about japan if I can help it....my girlfriend mentions something about the trip now and again in conversation...and I cringe.....even things we saw and experienced there..the good thing...but I freeze and think...oh shit.....she mentioned japan :0 ..I dont want to remind her about all the bad stuff that happened...all the bad stuff I out her through. .and the pain and guilt I feel everyday now its gone and I worry things wont recover.....she said she knows it wasnt my fault but I feel like it was. Shes said a few times shes scared of it happening again.....and all I could say was...im getting better and I never ever want it to happen again because its the most scared ive been in my life...it was hell.

People who havent gone through anxiety and depression cannot understand what its like, its no joke.....I cant even describe properly what its like, its a very difficult thing to understand for people who are going through the ringer or the people who are watching people go through it...

I have no idea what has happened to me or whats caused it, I just hope I get better before its too late. It takes time and time is the worst thing for somebody with anxiety to have because it festers and chips away, draining you, telling you your no good, your weird, abnormal...mental.crazy..ill...everything. its like a tv channel you cannot turn off.

You dont have a job of a girlfriend but look at that right now as probably a good thing because you dont have the stress. When your better, both will come in good time. Make that a future goal, to meet somebody, but before that happens make sure your in a better place, that way you are free to enjoy that experience.

Anxiety loves to make everything into a critical problem, to blow things out of proportion, to exaggerate and its dam good at it. Its dam good at making people feel terrible....I know, im there, im still trying to sort myself out but when your waiting waiting waiting to see people, time just seems to stsnd still. Ive had an assessment by the community mental health team and am now waiting for a therapist to get back to me to start a cbt type talk therapy. Ive been waiting months again, I was in a cbt program just before but because I wanted to die that was out of their league so ive been promoted to the heavy mob. Im hoping they can help because I cant take it much longer.....its a living hell. Get yourself to the right people who know how to help. See your doctor and tell him EXACTLY what you feel and think, warts and all..they will refer you to the right people. Take their advice, your mind will probably say, arh this is bullshit...but remeber that there are tens of thousands of people out there going through exactly the same thing as you.

Ive learned that theres only one person who can push you to make a change and thats the same person that wrote the original post. He cares enough about this to have sat and wrote all that so take note. Its clear its no fun living with worry etc etc and you have the power to take a stand....make a small change...take up a new hobby and force yourself to go...mix with people there..laugh, involve yourself....do something active, anything...just do it and give yourself credit for going. Take up a martial art, its good for the body and the mind and gives each of them something to focus on. I recently started back at aikido and have made myself go for the last 6 weeks and it helps. Im a very sensitive person, im very compassionate and they are very good qualities for a person to have. Dont knock yourself for being the same, caring people are in short supply in this world so give yourself credit that you do care. I also have little self confidence, aikido helps me with that too.

You really have to say enough is enough and then introduce a small change into your life. A little one to start with unless you just set yourself up to fail.....start small, be realistic and go with it, it doesnt matter how small just be disciplined and it will start to payoff.

A wise bloke said, be the change you want to see in the world.........

Lao tzu said....A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Its time to make that first step.

[Tifanie Ann Brummitt]

U are suffering from a mental condition. When u get a cut, do you apply ointment? Seek help before it's too late. Just think all those negative perceptions could completely change. There is a lot of sadness in this world, but there is also beauty. I know your suffering, but there is hope. Don't expect to do this alone, reach out, there is help available. Depression makes us think we're alone, but we aren't. God bless !