billie48
09-22-2014, 04:20 PM
Hi all,
This is a long introduction of my history of anxiety and panic disorders, as well as my fight to stay alive and to overcome the mountains in my life despite the disorders. I hope to give the newbies hope about the future. It is a bit long and I hope you have the patience to read through it.
I had suffered bad anxiety and panic disorders for decades since 23 years old and I am now a grandpa. Back then I was a strong minded young man fearing nothing, but over night I was reduced to a helpless, weak, insecure, desperate, hopeless and depressed person, facing relentless rounds of anxiety and panic attacks. I became home bound for a year or so, facing severe symptoms from these attacks. I thought I was going to die soon with so many alarming and hurtful symptoms. I honestly didn't know what happened to me and was very scared with these severe symptoms. The trigger for my attack was probably due to the unsettled feeling of leaving my aging parents who might not have enough means to live on as I was planning to study abroad. I was torn with guilt having to leave them. So one night, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Thinking I was having a heart attack and I would die soon, panic set in, followed by all these alien, hurtful and unexpected sensations which totally alarmed me. In a week or so, I collapsed mentally not knowing what happened and why so many bad symptoms.
I had heart attack alike symptoms of chest pain, tightness of chest, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sore muscles and pains, headaches of all kinds, sharp pain like migraine, tingling pain like being pinned all over the skull, and numb pain with the brain like being enveloped in a fog not able to think clearly. There were nightmares, profuse sweating, strong adrenaline rush, fears & phobia about things & about the future, feeling disoriented, dizzy, lost and helpless. I also felt like fainting and very fearful of such in front of people, so much so I was cutting off facing people to avoid the embarrassment. This then developed into social anxiety and life was lonely and bleak. Each thought about the unknown future brought me great anxiety. I had to depend on meds to survive these attacks and used sleeping pills to have some sleep. But most nights I couldn't sleep until early dawn. My mom had to massage me to calm me down trying to sleep. Poor mom. She didn't know what hit her 'strong' son so bad that it reduces him to a helpless 'toddler' again. My life was a total wreck. Very often the big 'S' word was dangling in front of my stressed and exhausted mind as it saw no way out of the suffering.
But I am a fighter and won't easily quit on life. I wanted to live my life and pursue my life's goals. One of my dream was to attend university. One of the places I like to visit is Hawaii. Elvis Pressley's Blue Hawaii movie inspired me to experience the Aloha spirit. So at 24, a year after the attacks, I left home to attend university in Hawaii, insecure, anxious and all. I told my mom to inform family relatives and friends that I am going away for a long vacation and probably will be back in 3 months. That was how insecure I was about my ability and the unknown future. I wasn't sure how I could cope alone when more rounds of anxiety and panic attacks overwhelmed me in a foreign land. I remember trembling and sweating all over in the plane during the flight, my first ever on a plane. But curiosity over a new life in university and the charm of Hawaii drove me on. I would rather die trying than not trying to live my dreams. So bring on the attacks. I was going to live my dreams Heaven or Hell. Hawaii here I come!
Well, the Aloha spirit at BYU-Hawaii and wonderful nature healed me enough I got married there with a lovely schoolmate. We live happily after. But there were tough times. One of our greatest trials came when suddenly our only son (we have 3 girls also) passed away by a freak accident at the age of 5. He was everything I ever wanted as a son, a lovely and handsome boy. He felt through a basement window in the house we rented and a piece of glass went into his heart. I had the misfortune of holding my lovely boy died in my arm bloodied all over. If there is Hell on earth, I tasted it that tragic day. The tragedy shocked my body so much that all the symptoms of anxiety, panic, depression and sleeplessness came back, and insurmountable grief overwhelmed my senses. Sufferings were so intense that the big 'S' word came back dangling to this stressed out mind. How do you survive the image of my bloodied son dying in my arm? Every night I closed my eyes trying to sleep, the image came and haunted me. I was so hurt and stuck that the mind suggested that I ran away to wander around the world. If love and family can hurt so bad, why not just run away and die being a wanderer with no need of love. New phobia set in. I was having trouble hugging my love ones, knowing that if any one of them would leave me tragically again, I wouldn't survive. Intense psychiatric counselling followed, and for over a year I was living without tomorrow, just drugged by rounds of benzos, ADs, and sleeping pills just to cope. Yet I am a fighter. I will fight this out for my love ones. Heaven or hell. My girls and my wife deserve me much more than my deceased son. He is already gone. There is nothing more I can do for him. But my family needs me. One life cannot ruin 5.
So after a year or so, I told my son (mentally) that daddy needs to move on. Mom and the sisters need me much more. I began to live my life again. I went back to work full time and picked up my old hobbies of fishing and gardening again, and I danced with my wife like the old days. I would soldier on my life even with immense grief. I would look for whatever positive I can find to soldier on. Love and harmony returns and we proceed to raise our 3 girls to adults, to university, to getting married and they are now moms with kids. My life was back to normal. My love for my wife, children, and grandchildren keeps me going. Life is good until another disaster struck - unexpected severe tinnitus and hyperacusis. What are they again? Worst, there are no cures for them. The doctors say you have to learn to live with it for the rest of your life. Oh no! Normal ringing ear is bearable. But severe, intrusive ringing ear called tinnitus is not. One night I woke up with loud ultra high pitch ringing in both my ears. It is a dog whistle of unbearable frequency, like the sound of a dentist drill with 10 times the pitch. It packs with so much condensed energy like a lazer beam in a night sky, so foreign, so alien, so unbearable. I didn't know what to do. It went on 7/24 and no drugs could stop it. Then severe hyperacusis soon hit. Hyperacusis turns the ears super sensitive. It turns all normal sounds glassy in quality. Every normal sound drills through the ears & I had to wear ear plugs to block outside sounds. I couldn't bear sounds of tv, washing dishes, parties, cinemas, even the soft voice of my wife hurts. Wow! I had to withdraw form all social contacts. I was staring into the abyss of living a lonely & secluded life with intense sufferings ahead.
But the love for my family is strong. I decide to fight back to the tinnitus & hyperacusis bully. If they make my life like 'hell', I want to make sure my family live like 'heaven' in return. While my body was utterly wasted by all the hurting sensations, I decided to make sure my family feel loved. I hug and kiss everyone generously and even massage my aging wife daily. I still have an able body despite all the hurtful symptoms. My wife has chronic Asthma and worse, Bronchiectasis which only allows her to breathe 50% of oxygen of a normal person. So she tires out easily with sore muscle. Honey, here come the muscle man, LOL. Anxiety, panic, severe tinnitus & hyperacusis, go to hell. I am going to make my family live like heaven. That is my way of fighting back. And of course, I go back to fishing, gardening, playing guitar, dancing etc. etc. I fight to reclaim my life back.
That was 5 years ago. Today, I am back to normal living an absolutely enjoyable and abundant life. My body is now hardened to the ringing. I don't give a dime to tinnitus. Hyperacusis just slowly faded. By the grace of the Almighty God, I scaled and overcame these mountains in my life. Today I am more focussed on living with Postivity, living the NOW, the very present moment with positivity. Let the future be the future. It is not reality yet. But I can do something about the present moment to make it the best moment. I learn about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT and apply its principles to remove cognitive distortions from my thinking process. I learn acceptance and mindfulness, how to flow with life without the painful resistance which can cause anxiety and panic. I learn to accept all the symptoms when they do come. I treat my life like a deep ocean/lake with disturbances on the surface but calmness and serenity in the deep. When the mind tends to be anxious, I say 'hey, old friend, come for a tea? Here is a cup of tea. But I am busy with too much fun and meaning in life to sit around with you. See you later'. So now positivity rules. If life has to be lived one way or another, why not live it positively? You have nothing to lose and much more to gain by living positively.
This is a long write up of my life and my struggles with anxiety and panic disorder plus other challenges. It is not a easy journey but thanks to the loving God who has protected me along the way. If there is anything I learn from this, don't quite on life when tough challenges arrive. Anxiety/panic attacks, tragedy, illnesses, depression, sleeplessness and all, life is still livable. There are always better times ahead, so remember to give TIME enough time. Have hope and faith that there is good life ahead. Keep positive. Keep living. God bless you all.
This is a long introduction of my history of anxiety and panic disorders, as well as my fight to stay alive and to overcome the mountains in my life despite the disorders. I hope to give the newbies hope about the future. It is a bit long and I hope you have the patience to read through it.
I had suffered bad anxiety and panic disorders for decades since 23 years old and I am now a grandpa. Back then I was a strong minded young man fearing nothing, but over night I was reduced to a helpless, weak, insecure, desperate, hopeless and depressed person, facing relentless rounds of anxiety and panic attacks. I became home bound for a year or so, facing severe symptoms from these attacks. I thought I was going to die soon with so many alarming and hurtful symptoms. I honestly didn't know what happened to me and was very scared with these severe symptoms. The trigger for my attack was probably due to the unsettled feeling of leaving my aging parents who might not have enough means to live on as I was planning to study abroad. I was torn with guilt having to leave them. So one night, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Thinking I was having a heart attack and I would die soon, panic set in, followed by all these alien, hurtful and unexpected sensations which totally alarmed me. In a week or so, I collapsed mentally not knowing what happened and why so many bad symptoms.
I had heart attack alike symptoms of chest pain, tightness of chest, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sore muscles and pains, headaches of all kinds, sharp pain like migraine, tingling pain like being pinned all over the skull, and numb pain with the brain like being enveloped in a fog not able to think clearly. There were nightmares, profuse sweating, strong adrenaline rush, fears & phobia about things & about the future, feeling disoriented, dizzy, lost and helpless. I also felt like fainting and very fearful of such in front of people, so much so I was cutting off facing people to avoid the embarrassment. This then developed into social anxiety and life was lonely and bleak. Each thought about the unknown future brought me great anxiety. I had to depend on meds to survive these attacks and used sleeping pills to have some sleep. But most nights I couldn't sleep until early dawn. My mom had to massage me to calm me down trying to sleep. Poor mom. She didn't know what hit her 'strong' son so bad that it reduces him to a helpless 'toddler' again. My life was a total wreck. Very often the big 'S' word was dangling in front of my stressed and exhausted mind as it saw no way out of the suffering.
But I am a fighter and won't easily quit on life. I wanted to live my life and pursue my life's goals. One of my dream was to attend university. One of the places I like to visit is Hawaii. Elvis Pressley's Blue Hawaii movie inspired me to experience the Aloha spirit. So at 24, a year after the attacks, I left home to attend university in Hawaii, insecure, anxious and all. I told my mom to inform family relatives and friends that I am going away for a long vacation and probably will be back in 3 months. That was how insecure I was about my ability and the unknown future. I wasn't sure how I could cope alone when more rounds of anxiety and panic attacks overwhelmed me in a foreign land. I remember trembling and sweating all over in the plane during the flight, my first ever on a plane. But curiosity over a new life in university and the charm of Hawaii drove me on. I would rather die trying than not trying to live my dreams. So bring on the attacks. I was going to live my dreams Heaven or Hell. Hawaii here I come!
Well, the Aloha spirit at BYU-Hawaii and wonderful nature healed me enough I got married there with a lovely schoolmate. We live happily after. But there were tough times. One of our greatest trials came when suddenly our only son (we have 3 girls also) passed away by a freak accident at the age of 5. He was everything I ever wanted as a son, a lovely and handsome boy. He felt through a basement window in the house we rented and a piece of glass went into his heart. I had the misfortune of holding my lovely boy died in my arm bloodied all over. If there is Hell on earth, I tasted it that tragic day. The tragedy shocked my body so much that all the symptoms of anxiety, panic, depression and sleeplessness came back, and insurmountable grief overwhelmed my senses. Sufferings were so intense that the big 'S' word came back dangling to this stressed out mind. How do you survive the image of my bloodied son dying in my arm? Every night I closed my eyes trying to sleep, the image came and haunted me. I was so hurt and stuck that the mind suggested that I ran away to wander around the world. If love and family can hurt so bad, why not just run away and die being a wanderer with no need of love. New phobia set in. I was having trouble hugging my love ones, knowing that if any one of them would leave me tragically again, I wouldn't survive. Intense psychiatric counselling followed, and for over a year I was living without tomorrow, just drugged by rounds of benzos, ADs, and sleeping pills just to cope. Yet I am a fighter. I will fight this out for my love ones. Heaven or hell. My girls and my wife deserve me much more than my deceased son. He is already gone. There is nothing more I can do for him. But my family needs me. One life cannot ruin 5.
So after a year or so, I told my son (mentally) that daddy needs to move on. Mom and the sisters need me much more. I began to live my life again. I went back to work full time and picked up my old hobbies of fishing and gardening again, and I danced with my wife like the old days. I would soldier on my life even with immense grief. I would look for whatever positive I can find to soldier on. Love and harmony returns and we proceed to raise our 3 girls to adults, to university, to getting married and they are now moms with kids. My life was back to normal. My love for my wife, children, and grandchildren keeps me going. Life is good until another disaster struck - unexpected severe tinnitus and hyperacusis. What are they again? Worst, there are no cures for them. The doctors say you have to learn to live with it for the rest of your life. Oh no! Normal ringing ear is bearable. But severe, intrusive ringing ear called tinnitus is not. One night I woke up with loud ultra high pitch ringing in both my ears. It is a dog whistle of unbearable frequency, like the sound of a dentist drill with 10 times the pitch. It packs with so much condensed energy like a lazer beam in a night sky, so foreign, so alien, so unbearable. I didn't know what to do. It went on 7/24 and no drugs could stop it. Then severe hyperacusis soon hit. Hyperacusis turns the ears super sensitive. It turns all normal sounds glassy in quality. Every normal sound drills through the ears & I had to wear ear plugs to block outside sounds. I couldn't bear sounds of tv, washing dishes, parties, cinemas, even the soft voice of my wife hurts. Wow! I had to withdraw form all social contacts. I was staring into the abyss of living a lonely & secluded life with intense sufferings ahead.
But the love for my family is strong. I decide to fight back to the tinnitus & hyperacusis bully. If they make my life like 'hell', I want to make sure my family live like 'heaven' in return. While my body was utterly wasted by all the hurting sensations, I decided to make sure my family feel loved. I hug and kiss everyone generously and even massage my aging wife daily. I still have an able body despite all the hurtful symptoms. My wife has chronic Asthma and worse, Bronchiectasis which only allows her to breathe 50% of oxygen of a normal person. So she tires out easily with sore muscle. Honey, here come the muscle man, LOL. Anxiety, panic, severe tinnitus & hyperacusis, go to hell. I am going to make my family live like heaven. That is my way of fighting back. And of course, I go back to fishing, gardening, playing guitar, dancing etc. etc. I fight to reclaim my life back.
That was 5 years ago. Today, I am back to normal living an absolutely enjoyable and abundant life. My body is now hardened to the ringing. I don't give a dime to tinnitus. Hyperacusis just slowly faded. By the grace of the Almighty God, I scaled and overcame these mountains in my life. Today I am more focussed on living with Postivity, living the NOW, the very present moment with positivity. Let the future be the future. It is not reality yet. But I can do something about the present moment to make it the best moment. I learn about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT and apply its principles to remove cognitive distortions from my thinking process. I learn acceptance and mindfulness, how to flow with life without the painful resistance which can cause anxiety and panic. I learn to accept all the symptoms when they do come. I treat my life like a deep ocean/lake with disturbances on the surface but calmness and serenity in the deep. When the mind tends to be anxious, I say 'hey, old friend, come for a tea? Here is a cup of tea. But I am busy with too much fun and meaning in life to sit around with you. See you later'. So now positivity rules. If life has to be lived one way or another, why not live it positively? You have nothing to lose and much more to gain by living positively.
This is a long write up of my life and my struggles with anxiety and panic disorder plus other challenges. It is not a easy journey but thanks to the loving God who has protected me along the way. If there is anything I learn from this, don't quite on life when tough challenges arrive. Anxiety/panic attacks, tragedy, illnesses, depression, sleeplessness and all, life is still livable. There are always better times ahead, so remember to give TIME enough time. Have hope and faith that there is good life ahead. Keep positive. Keep living. God bless you all.