1Bluerose68
09-18-2014, 12:02 AM
I feel useless in the hot climate here in CA, USA.
My cat is recovering from a collision with a cactus or a racoon , not sure really.
Worrying about all these financial stressors. The cats treatment cost me almost $1,000 .
Now I'm strapped for the next month until I work consistently.
But when I am offered a job I feel paralyzed with anxiety and become very fatigued feeling over the anxiety.
I cant drive on anxiety meds so I can't take a "chill pill" during the day.
Then I feel so anxious, like I said, that I freeze and cant do anything.
Then I feel depressed over not being able to do much about my bills.
Then my problem w/ the anxiety spirals out of control into a full fledged Panik Attack.
In the past I have had to check into the ER just to make sure I'm NOT experiencing a Heart Attack.
Now our tiny city in CA has lost itz ER and I must go 2 cities away to the next closest one. As my friend died at the only other ER near by and I just dont wanna go there ever again...
I think they favor the rich and the poor with 100% Medi-Cal coverage. My friend did not have an approved stroke life saving surgery. I dont even know what the delay was in his treatment but it was 3rd class whatever it was.
Now I'm terrified of moving as I may end up with a panik attack and have to travel 2 cities away to the next closest ER. Then if I don't feel good after or they need to administer a"chill pill", I cant just drive home right away, but must sit it out at a Denny's Restaurant and stuff my face until my ,"Chill pill" effect is gone.
I'm just afraid , starting with the Hot Weather and fires everywhere. The quality of oxygen in the air I'm breathing stinks and I'm afraid of oxygen tanks . One exploded in my eye area before, and it was very scary, to almost lose an eye.....
I hate feeling like a big, fat , coward.
I would rather Not have to feel anything at all than this anxiety.
Perhaps I'll be like Gilbert Grape and eat myself into a deep coma until i don't feel so scared anymore of life's stressors and challenges. Then I will just freeze and Not do anything about this anxiety.
That happens if I take a few extra ,"Chill pills" too, only then I sleep instead of eat myself into a sugar coma to pass out purposefully.....
I guess if I was rich, and famous or had won the lottery this would not be an issue.
But every day is a day of challenge for me.
And I hate bills. I hate spending money on food at the market, but have no choice. The refrigerator must be stocked for me and my younger brother.
Then I thought I could do something fun to earn money like read peoples palms in Berkeley while sitting at a magician's table with a fancy cloth and incense burning and all? Then I could advise them on various things based on the reading of their eyes and their palms of the hands. I also know how to read tea leaves and espresso cups. My mom taught me when I would sit and watch she and her Euro lady friends drinking coffee and play fortune teller games with 1 another.
I have possibilities that are endless, and feel at times like nothing is worth this stress and anxiety except a long sleep after eating some delish red gala apples, and resting my achy neck and back.
The End
(for now of a miserable summer night's dream)...........
Sincerely,
1Bluerose68
My cat is recovering from a collision with a cactus or a racoon , not sure really.
Worrying about all these financial stressors. The cats treatment cost me almost $1,000 .
Now I'm strapped for the next month until I work consistently.
But when I am offered a job I feel paralyzed with anxiety and become very fatigued feeling over the anxiety.
I cant drive on anxiety meds so I can't take a "chill pill" during the day.
Then I feel so anxious, like I said, that I freeze and cant do anything.
Then I feel depressed over not being able to do much about my bills.
Then my problem w/ the anxiety spirals out of control into a full fledged Panik Attack.
In the past I have had to check into the ER just to make sure I'm NOT experiencing a Heart Attack.
Now our tiny city in CA has lost itz ER and I must go 2 cities away to the next closest one. As my friend died at the only other ER near by and I just dont wanna go there ever again...
I think they favor the rich and the poor with 100% Medi-Cal coverage. My friend did not have an approved stroke life saving surgery. I dont even know what the delay was in his treatment but it was 3rd class whatever it was.
Now I'm terrified of moving as I may end up with a panik attack and have to travel 2 cities away to the next closest ER. Then if I don't feel good after or they need to administer a"chill pill", I cant just drive home right away, but must sit it out at a Denny's Restaurant and stuff my face until my ,"Chill pill" effect is gone.
I'm just afraid , starting with the Hot Weather and fires everywhere. The quality of oxygen in the air I'm breathing stinks and I'm afraid of oxygen tanks . One exploded in my eye area before, and it was very scary, to almost lose an eye.....
I hate feeling like a big, fat , coward.
I would rather Not have to feel anything at all than this anxiety.
Perhaps I'll be like Gilbert Grape and eat myself into a deep coma until i don't feel so scared anymore of life's stressors and challenges. Then I will just freeze and Not do anything about this anxiety.
That happens if I take a few extra ,"Chill pills" too, only then I sleep instead of eat myself into a sugar coma to pass out purposefully.....
I guess if I was rich, and famous or had won the lottery this would not be an issue.
But every day is a day of challenge for me.
And I hate bills. I hate spending money on food at the market, but have no choice. The refrigerator must be stocked for me and my younger brother.
Then I thought I could do something fun to earn money like read peoples palms in Berkeley while sitting at a magician's table with a fancy cloth and incense burning and all? Then I could advise them on various things based on the reading of their eyes and their palms of the hands. I also know how to read tea leaves and espresso cups. My mom taught me when I would sit and watch she and her Euro lady friends drinking coffee and play fortune teller games with 1 another.
I have possibilities that are endless, and feel at times like nothing is worth this stress and anxiety except a long sleep after eating some delish red gala apples, and resting my achy neck and back.
The End
(for now of a miserable summer night's dream)...........
Sincerely,
1Bluerose68