anything positive right now would be helpful...

[brittany32888]

I'm not feeling well today. Haven't been as active these past few days as I would like to, the weather factoring into that. So not only has it thrown my body out of whack and my sleep off, it has caused anxiety . I really try hard not to be a hypochondriac, but apparently it comes with the territory. Every time my body feels in anyway "different" than usual, I freak out a little and start doing the unthinkable act of googling my symptoms. Why do I do this? God only knows. Of course I can usually only find things about the worst possible scenario, and then the anxiety kicks in. I haven't been to dr. In ages, which for the most part is fine because I tend to be pretty healthy, but because I haven't, I start convincing myself that something could be wrong. How would I even know? And the thought of having to go to a hospital/dr.s office for any reason gives me the most anxiety I think I could have. I just wish I could handle things more reasonably and with a level head. I can be strong for other people, but never for myself. :(

[Enduronman]

I just wish I could handle things more reasonably and with a level head. I can be strong for other people, but never for myself. :(

I would suggest getting in to see a doctor and explain these irrational thoughts and fears friend, that would be the first step in controlling this.
You CAN handle things more reasonably Brittany, with a level head..
We all have faith in you!

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

I would suggest getting in to see a doctor and explain these irrational thoughts and fears friend, that would be the first step in controlling this.
You CAN handle things more reasonably Brittany, with a level head..
We all have faith in you!

E-Man :)

This is correct. Reason suggests periodic visits to gauge how you are doing.

Not to find fault, not to find disease. But to lessen the fright of the unknown. This does not diminish in any way your own efforts and abilities, it compliments them.

See the white coats as comforting, relaxing, secure and a helpful hand. Feel the sense of calm wash over you after you receive a perfect bill of health.

[brittany32888]

I would suggest getting in to see a doctor and explain these irrational thoughts and fears friend, that would be the first step in controlling this.
You CAN handle things more reasonably Brittany, with a level head..
We all have faith in you!

E-Man :)

Thank-you... I know I need to get established with a Dr. to help with this recovery process, as I like to call it. But the thought of the initial meeting is something I haven't been able to get passed. It makes me a wreck. It's a huge trigger for me. I don't know that I have adequate support either. I feel very isolated, my partner doesn't understand any of it, he has quite the opposite personality which can be overwhelming at times. Since we've moved away from the town I grew up in, I really feel like I have no-one, not in the please-pity-me kind of way, but just literally, no-one. I always found it made situations easier when I didn't have to do them alone, at least for the first time.
Ugh... now I'm just rambling.
I don't know if it being 5:45 am has anything to do with it, or the fact that I've been awake for a couple of hours already.
I just need peace.
That's all.

[Im-Suffering]

Thank-you... I know I need to get established with a Dr. to help with this recovery process, as I like to call it. But the thought of the initial meeting is something I haven't been able to get passed. It makes me a wreck. It's a huge trigger for me. I don't know that I have adequate support either. I feel very isolated, my partner doesn't understand any of it, he has quite the opposite personality which can be overwhelming at times. Since we've moved away from the town I grew up in, I really feel like I have no-one, not in the please-pity-me kind of way, but just literally, no-one. I always found it made situations easier when I didn't have to do them alone, at least for the first time.
Ugh... now I'm just rambling.
I don't know if it being 5:45 am has anything to do with it, or the fact that I've been awake for a couple of hours already.
I just need peace.
That's all.

It's not about any of that. You know that's all a crutch. Decide, for you.

Peace comes in the aftermath of your decisions acted upon in your best interests. Read that statement 100 times.

[brittany32888]

This is correct. Reason suggests periodic visits to gauge how you are doing.

Not to find fault, not to find disease. But to lessen the fright of the unknown. This does not diminish in any way your own efforts and abilities, it compliments them.

That makes sense. One huge thing with my anxiety is the constant need of reassurance. Which I feel is unhealthy, but in this situation perhaps would be appropriate, kinda cancelling out what I think could be wrong.
On a second note though which I failed to mention earlier is, I don't have medical insurance. I'm a stay at home mom, and my partner is the bread winner, so knowing that any dr. visit can be costly, and having to rely on him to pay for it, also stresses me out. Sometimes you can go to the Dr. and really gain nothing. I'm afraid that if I start going to a Dr., if my partner doesn't feel it's necessary at any point in time, he can dictate whether I go or not. I don't know that he sees anxiety as a medical condition, and it's kind of been difficult for me to explain. It's kind of a complicated place to be.

[Im-Suffering]

That makes sense. One huge thing with my anxiety is the constant need of reassurance. Which I feel is unhealthy, but in this situation perhaps would be appropriate, kinda cancelling out what I think could be wrong.
On a second note though which I failed to mention earlier is, I don't have medical insurance. I'm a stay at home mom, and my partner is the bread winner, so knowing that any dr. visit can be costly, and having to rely on him to pay for it, also stresses me out. Sometimes you can go to the Dr. and really gain nothing. I'm afraid that if I start going to a Dr., if my partner doesn't feel it's necessary at any point in time, he can dictate whether I go or not. I don't know that he sees anxiety as a medical condition, and it's kind of been difficult for me to explain. It's kind of a complicated place to be.

Reassurance = crutch, illusion, and powerless. Strive to empower in all that you do.

Secondly, your partner cannot dictate because he has the money, that strips you of power and dignity. Your health is more important than his new tv savings. It would be more costly not to go, at the behest of damaging your psyche further, do you understand? Caught in the web of this relationship it is hard to see clearly codependent and reliant on someone else for your welfare. Even as you hear that, the truth rings inside of you.

And you will not need many visits, you need a checkup, periodically. Possibly a script.

Set yourself free, at all costs, decide. Either he is for you and against money, or he is with money and against you. Find your own independence. It is possible.

[brittany32888]

Reassurance = crutch, illusion, and powerless. Strive to empower in all that you do.

Secondly, your partner cannot dictate because he has the money, that strips you of power and dignity. Your health is more important than his new tv savings. It would be more costly not to go, at the behest of damaging your psyche further, do you understand? Caught in the web of this relationship it is hart to see clearly codependent and reliant on someone else for your welfare. Even as you hear that, the truth rings inside of you.

And you will not need many visits, you need a checkup, periodically. Possibly a script.

I'm not saying he would do that, but he can. It's hard to say, it isn't that he's not supportive, it's just that he doesn't know how to be. He's pretty cut and dry. I definitely think my reliance on him has factored into my anxiety escalating these past years, I feel like a child again. Not in control of my own life, allowing someone to make life decisions for me, hoping they'll be the right ones. I'm a control freak, I admit it. I have found comfort in controlling situations around me, to avoid any discomfort, really. In my new life, I am not the one in control. I have a four year old, and my daily life revolves around his every want and need. And then when my partner comes home from work, things kinda become about his wants and needs. I feel shorthanded at times. Whenever I try to express that I need something just for me, I feel like a selfish, spoiled housewife. Whether that's my own guilt talking, or because people actually feel that way, I'm unsure. But I guess the Dr. thing falls under that, it shouldn't, but does. I don't know what I need. But I obviously need something.

[Im-Suffering]

I'm not saying he would do that, but he can. It's hard to say, it isn't that he's not supportive, it's just that he doesn't know how to be. He's pretty cut and dry. I definitely think my reliance on him has factored into my anxiety escalating these past years, I feel like a child again. Not in control of my own life, allowing someone to make life decisions for me, hoping they'll be the right ones. I'm a control freak, I admit it. I have found comfort in controlling situations around me, to avoid any discomfort, really. In my new life, I am not the one in control. I have a four year old, and my daily life revolves around his every want and need. And then when my partner comes home from work, things kinda become about his wants and needs. I feel shorthanded at times. Whenever I try to express that I need something just for me, I feel like a selfish, spoiled housewife. Whether that's my own guilt talking, or because people actually feel that way, I'm unsure. But I guess the Dr. thing falls under that, it shouldn't, but does. I don't know what I need. But I obviously need something.

You know exactly what you need. And you just said it. I wanted to draw it out of you. You are a strong woman, intuitive, powerful, self reliant, you have all that you need latent inside of you. It is your birthright, not to be stripped of power, but to be empowered for your child, and spouse.

Guilt is the motive for disempowerment, guilt and fear of your need to control has turned on the psyche and made the decision at some point to become a martyr, a doormat. This decision was misguided and based on false assumptions about who you are.

Find yourself, at all costs, you see. Turn away from guilt as you would turn away from something that disgusts you, it is your enemy. Guilt was meant as a learning tool, to not repeat mistakes by recalling in memory in that moment the past. Your guilt is a distorted version based on fear of self. You fear your power and buried it, but now you resent yourself for doing so, because it doesn't feel natural.

I hope you understand, I've gone deeper with you here in hopes you will overturn unhealthy decisions you have made about yourself, or at least to recognize them, put the puzzle together, then you can begin to change for the better. Seeing things in a different light, you will understand control as innate, and use it in beneficial ways for your family, rather than suppress your natural inclinations.

You are not a control freak, control is part of your personality. You have it, for a reason. To use and refine it, you see....it could be a gift, used to teach your child and shape his/her beliefs. To charge your finances, to compliment and benefit your home, and so forth. If you see it as a positive, and not a threat.

Seeing yourself as a threat, then your actions will be viewed as threatening, period. Including those that are beneficial, such as examinations, help, etc, it is important you 'get' this. You cannot be seen any other way than how you see yourself, no exceptions..

Nothing further at the moment. You have received what you asked for, all that is left is a decision.

"anything positive right now would be helpful"