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View Full Version : Citalopram wrecked me and I feel like I'll never recover



puellamagi
09-16-2014, 12:43 PM
I'm here because I'm desperate. I want to know if anyone else went through the same thing and successfully recovered. I'm sorry this is so long, but I feel like nobody understands how bad this is unless I describe it in-depth.

On the 4th of September I was diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression and sent home from the doctors' office with a prescription for 20mg Citalopram. I was very excited to start taking steps to becoming a more functional person. I've never been against medication, and I wasn't afraid of it. I had read through the possible side effects and I thought I was prepared. I wasn't. My doc had told me to take it before bed because it can make people sleepy. At 4:30 in the morning, I woke up nauseated and had the worst panic attack I've ever had in my life-- literally. The things I'd experienced before and labeled "anxiety attacks" were nothing compared to this. I have never felt so awful and scared. No scary project, no math test, no job interview I've ever had has driven me into the dark, terrifying place that I went that night. I ran into the bathroom and retched. I also screamed, because the retching was so scary. It woke up my mother. I told her I might have to go to the hospital. I was having the whole acute stress response, but wasn't realizing it-- I was interpreting it as a medical emergency, as many do. I was petrified of being left alone. Every time my mother went to the bathroom or excused herself for a smoke I sat there and panicked until she got back. She had to skip work to stay with me.

After determining I wasn't actively dying, I went straight back to the doctor that morning. We switched my dose to 10mg in the morning for the time being, and like an idiot, I went back to taking it. I desperately wish I hadn't. I wish, so much, that I hadn't. I wish I'd been a bad patient and given it up right there. I felt so good for a few days. I improved steadily until the following Wednesday, day 7 of medication. I went to bed feeling great and woke up having another anxiety attack. I thought it was less bad than the first, but it lasted all day and spiked again in the evening... and I stopped eating. For the next 3 days I could barely force myself to eat. It was absolute hell on earth, the worst I've ever felt, bronchitis and stomach flu were preferable. It's still so hard to make myself eat, and normally I LOVE food. I've lost over 10 pounds, I think I'm nearing 15. At first I was determined to stick it out two weeks, like you're supposed to, but by the second night of hunger pangs, panic, writhing, and no sleep, I was done. I decided to stop taking the medication, for the sake of my health. Today's my 4th day off it. The anxiety is in and out, and it's not as "bad," but it's bad enough to be awful and paralyzing, and every time I sleep I wake up anxious. Currently it tends to spike, I freeze up for half an hour to 45 minutes, and then I just start bawling. The crying is the only relief I have.

I just... I don't know what to do. I haven't felt normal for two weeks now, I haven't had a break or a moment of unexamined calm since the 4th, and I feel like I never will again. I know it takes like a week for the meds to completely exit your system, and my screwed-up metabolism probably isn't helping, but I'm so scared. I'm scared it wasn't just the meds. I'm scared I've reached a terrible new baseline where I'll never, ever feel normal again, where I'll always wake up feeling anxious, where I'll always be terrified of waking up and seeing 4:30 AM, where I'll constantly be checking "am I anxious?" and then starting to feel anxious because of it. I'm scared that now I've seen a darker, deeper version of anxiety than I'd ever experienced, that's where I'm stuck. I don't want to try any more meds because I'm so terrified of something like this happening again. If I had hallucinations or, god forbid, actually vomited, I'd probably just self-destruct on the spot. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm petrified he's going to say this couldn't have been the meds (because "they only start working after x amount of time") or that he's going to try to get me to take something else.

All that I've done for the past year is try to help myself get better, and it's backfired on me every single time. This backfired worse than anything. I'd give anything to go back to the state I was in before I took this awful drug. Anything. I wish I had never taken it. I just want to go back to my normal, everyday, dysfunctional-but-at-least-FUN anxiety/depression. I was good at dealing with that. I can't handle any more of this mindless, gnawing anxiety. This is literally, without exaggeration, the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Please, please, please, convince me this isn't the end of my life...

gypsylee
09-16-2014, 08:11 PM
Hi there,

I've never had this medication but I've had many other SSRIs and psych meds. The SSRIs make me feel worse initially but not to this extent. However I know they really do not agree with some people.

Have you told the doctor all this?

I know that feeling of "OMG I will always feel like this!" but you have to trust me that you won't. It might take a bit of work and patience but something will happen and you'll feel better. Just don't do things that make it worse like drinking (that was my mistake).

Try and take it easy and go with the flow. If you can manage to do some healthy things like going for a walk, doing something you enjoy or talking to someone, that's great. Just know that your body is very clever and it will heal itself if you give it a chance.

Hang in there :)
Gypsy

lsmt971
09-17-2014, 06:58 AM
HI.

Quite a number of years ago I was prescribed cipralex which is supposed to be the same as citalopram. Initially, this increased my anxiety levels quite considerably, panick attacks, sweating, itchy skin, nausea etc.... I remember going back to the doctors after 2 weeks but he convinced me to keep taking them. I did and eventually they kicked in and I felt great. I stayed on these for a couple of years and felt that good decided to come off them. I stayed off them for about five years until earlier this year when I started to feel a little inbalanced and seeing as we had a holiday booked, I knew I had to do something, whether long term or short.

I went the doctors and decided to go back on long term medication even though we were going away in just over three weeks. The doctor gave me citalopram telling me they were the same. Jesus, as you say, I thought I was dying. Really bad panick attacks, heavy sweating while lying awake all night. The worst nausea you can think of and not eating for over a week. Throwing up every morning etc... After ten days, I thought, if I continue taking these and they don't kick in before my holidays, I won't even be able to get on the plane, so I decided to stop as I couldn't take the chance. It took another week before they were out of my system and I ended up asking the doctor for diazepam for the duration of the holiday. I felt that good when the tablets were out of my system, I got through the holiday pretty much unscathed.

So, it's not you it is the tablets, which do magnify your anxiety before it gets better. My advice would be to continue to take them (as you're already well on your way to them kicking in), see how it goes because, if they do kick in, which hopefully given time they will, they really do change your life. I went through hell for years as I didn't want to take medication but the cipralex really did get me back on track. My brother in law takes citalopram and it kicks in after a week with only slight nausea feelings so I suppose everyones different.

Hope this helps a little.

P.S. Do let me know how you get on if you continue. I'm thinking of going back on them by taking a quarter of a tablet every two days and gradually increasing to see if this lessens the side effects. Someone on here might have tried this and will recommend or tell me it will be worse so any advice will be appreciated.

puellamagi
09-18-2014, 02:37 AM
Update: I'm not continuing medication. I had another anxiety attack last night. I talked to my doctor today and he said it sounds like citalopram wasn't a match, and he doesn't want to try any more drugs with me right now. He agrees with me that therapy alone might be best, and he and my counselor both seem confident that once the meds are out of my system, everything is going to get much better. I'm still scared that I'm scarred, and I'm still having a lot of trouble sleeping and eating (which isn't helping). Any and all encouraging words about getting over this and moving on with life after this traumatic experience are appreciated.

lsmt971
09-18-2014, 02:48 AM
Trust me Puellamagi, when the meds are out of your system you will feel better than you did before you started. You will feel relief knowing you're not scarred which will help and the fact all those horrible symptoms have disappeared makes you feel 100% better. It even makes your everyday anxiety easier to cope with as it's nowhere near as strong as it is when you start taking the citalopram.