Lilac
09-12-2014, 07:29 AM
I do not expect you to read the whole text, but if you do, thank you!
It is a weird thing how you manage to overcome your obstacles, yet you cannot settle down with everything being just "fine".
I have had only a few moments like this in my life. From the age of 5-6 until today (25), I have been a perfectionist and control freak. As a child I begged my mother to let me vacuum my own room and iron my own curtains, because she no longer did it the way I wanted. I had difficulties sharing my toys with the other children, not because of greediness or anything, but because they did not take care of my toys or did not play with them the way I wanted them to. I never tried controlling other people, though, I just wanted to maintain control of my own stuff. My room was always perfectly clean an tidy, and lord have mercy on those who tried to move my toys even an inch from where I have placed them. I would fire up and start to cry or become mad. I was about 7-8 at that time.
I had difficulties doing anything wrong, and I could start crying over minor errors on a test at school, writing errors, etc. One time when I was 8 years old my teacher had corrected a small essay I had written for Norwegian class, and to me the mistakes were so many I could not even look at them. I became sad and lost all my self confidence for that day. Granted I had fewer errors than most of the other pupils, but I did not care about that. I wanted my essay to be perfect without flaws or errors in it. How can an 8 year-old child expect to have the writing skills of an adult?
Mathematics was probably the only subject in school I never made an effort to learn properly. I could never see the point or the logic. Being a perfectionist, I wanted to learn it, but math is not something you can learn so easily. You have to study harder. To me, everything I could not learn immediately was not worth continuing with because I would never understand it anyway. So I gave up.
Like said, I never controlled other people, but I was a perfectionist and control freak towards myself. And because of that I became very careful not to step on anyone's toes or offend anyone. A good quality indeed, but other children realized they could do whatever they wanted with me and command me as they pleased. I was never ever bullied, and I have always had good friends. But one of my closest friends became very controlling of me. She could say bad things about me or my family, and she wanted me to do everything for her. Our personalities were very different. One time she locked me in her room because she would not let me go home (we were 7 years old and it was close to bed time and I had to go home). I started panicking and screamed and screamed. Her father came, yelled at hear and I ran home. She did not speak to me for weeks.
There is much more, but I am not going to go in to every detail. Just saying that my personality as a child shaped me into becoming the person that I am today: a shy introvert, perfectionist and an extreme control freak. I have managed to go through life quite well, with the most loving family and friends, a generally good childhood, soon a masters degree and a fiancé. My life seems perfect outside, and it is "perfect" outside.
But inside, in my brain, things have been far less straightforward and easy. I have achieved many goals, I truly have. At least I have achieved everything I want to achieve. My perfectionism has not approved of anything else. As a teenager my perfectionism started interfering in every aspects of my life. So, I started behaving the opposite way: I stopped caring about myself, started self-harming, did not care about my school works and did not get the best grades, etc. I was generally pessimistic, depressed and a little hostile towards my parents, friends and teachers, but I was still a "good girl". I guess I just wanted someone to notice the pain I had inside me despite my seemingly "perfect" life. I wanted someone to see that I was not perfect. I was in a constant fight with my own brain, and demanded more of myself than anyone else did. Nothing I ever did or said was good enough for me. I could be better, skinnier, more good looking, nicer. I was not good enough ever. For myself. And I think my non-perfect behaviour was kind of a rebellion against my own brain.
It became better in high school, and I started caring about schoolwork and my grades again. I met my boyfriend, and we were a bit on and off, which made my self-esteem go down again. I never knew where I had him. But all in all high school was very nice, and I climbed up from an average of D to becoming a B+ student.
I started at the University in 08. In high school, my perfectionism grew due to my good grades and I became ambitious. Even more demands, becoming the best University student ever. In some way it was motivational, but I started destroying myself because I was never satisfied with my efforts at the University, despite the fact that I obtained my bachelor's degree with an A on my dissertation and once again an average of B+. Good enough to start with a masters programme, but not good enough for me. I still felt stupid, and I believed I was just lucky to get good grades or the professors were drunk when they graded my papers. Self-harming continued and I developed an eating disorder in 2010, when some of my friends started working out; I wanted to look perfect, and wanted to be better than them. I also started to brainwash myself, thinking that I had done something I never did, and created situations that never happened. I went a year living in a different world than everyone else. I did not recognize my own way of thinking. I was afraid no one really liked me, because I am not good enough. I was sure my boyfriend would leave me anytime (which he has done, and that did not help with my already non-existing self-esteem), that my friends hated me, and my parents had given me up. I hated the way I looked, but most of all I hated my own person. My whole life I have been like this, and everyone I am close to has said "there has always been some problems with you. You have always had problems". I started identify myself with that way of thinking - once I overcome one thing, I create something knew. I developed GAD and became worried and anxious about every aspects of my life, from my relationship with my loved ones, to my economy, education, personality, looks, social settings, children, and the world in general.
I have already talked about my recent health anxiety. When my health anxiety took over, my eating disorder, which was my main issue at that time, almost disappeared. And now that my health anxiety is gone, I have nothing left. Because I cannot feel my eating disorder either. It comes every now and then, and I have some drawbacks. But generally, I just don't care.
My brain is stressed and anxious, because I have overcome my worst issues. My brain is continuously trying to find something new for me to worry about. Like now I start to worry about new symptoms, or worry that the ALS anxiety or eating disorder may come back. But I have learned new techniques from my therapist, and I do not believe in everything my brain wants me to believe anymore. I am worth more, I am good as I am. I am not ill, nor do I need to be skinny and "perfect". I do not want to fight for that anymore.
But my perfectionism wants its space. It is like I cannot live a life without a single worry. To be honest, that actually terrifies me. I have always been worried or self-destructive, and I have never truly enjoyed my life or waking up in the morning without a major issue.
I think that in a way, I cannot accept that I can live a happy life.
I work so hard not to dwell, and just live my life, but although I am grateful for the freedom I feel now, I cannot help but thinking that I am not supposed to be free.
An extremely long and confusing post maybe, and I apologize for any typing errors (see, there you have my brain pointing out my flaws before anyone else does). I know people have it far worse than I do, but perhaps there are some of you who can relate to this?
Also, I am NOT looking for sympathy...
It is a weird thing how you manage to overcome your obstacles, yet you cannot settle down with everything being just "fine".
I have had only a few moments like this in my life. From the age of 5-6 until today (25), I have been a perfectionist and control freak. As a child I begged my mother to let me vacuum my own room and iron my own curtains, because she no longer did it the way I wanted. I had difficulties sharing my toys with the other children, not because of greediness or anything, but because they did not take care of my toys or did not play with them the way I wanted them to. I never tried controlling other people, though, I just wanted to maintain control of my own stuff. My room was always perfectly clean an tidy, and lord have mercy on those who tried to move my toys even an inch from where I have placed them. I would fire up and start to cry or become mad. I was about 7-8 at that time.
I had difficulties doing anything wrong, and I could start crying over minor errors on a test at school, writing errors, etc. One time when I was 8 years old my teacher had corrected a small essay I had written for Norwegian class, and to me the mistakes were so many I could not even look at them. I became sad and lost all my self confidence for that day. Granted I had fewer errors than most of the other pupils, but I did not care about that. I wanted my essay to be perfect without flaws or errors in it. How can an 8 year-old child expect to have the writing skills of an adult?
Mathematics was probably the only subject in school I never made an effort to learn properly. I could never see the point or the logic. Being a perfectionist, I wanted to learn it, but math is not something you can learn so easily. You have to study harder. To me, everything I could not learn immediately was not worth continuing with because I would never understand it anyway. So I gave up.
Like said, I never controlled other people, but I was a perfectionist and control freak towards myself. And because of that I became very careful not to step on anyone's toes or offend anyone. A good quality indeed, but other children realized they could do whatever they wanted with me and command me as they pleased. I was never ever bullied, and I have always had good friends. But one of my closest friends became very controlling of me. She could say bad things about me or my family, and she wanted me to do everything for her. Our personalities were very different. One time she locked me in her room because she would not let me go home (we were 7 years old and it was close to bed time and I had to go home). I started panicking and screamed and screamed. Her father came, yelled at hear and I ran home. She did not speak to me for weeks.
There is much more, but I am not going to go in to every detail. Just saying that my personality as a child shaped me into becoming the person that I am today: a shy introvert, perfectionist and an extreme control freak. I have managed to go through life quite well, with the most loving family and friends, a generally good childhood, soon a masters degree and a fiancé. My life seems perfect outside, and it is "perfect" outside.
But inside, in my brain, things have been far less straightforward and easy. I have achieved many goals, I truly have. At least I have achieved everything I want to achieve. My perfectionism has not approved of anything else. As a teenager my perfectionism started interfering in every aspects of my life. So, I started behaving the opposite way: I stopped caring about myself, started self-harming, did not care about my school works and did not get the best grades, etc. I was generally pessimistic, depressed and a little hostile towards my parents, friends and teachers, but I was still a "good girl". I guess I just wanted someone to notice the pain I had inside me despite my seemingly "perfect" life. I wanted someone to see that I was not perfect. I was in a constant fight with my own brain, and demanded more of myself than anyone else did. Nothing I ever did or said was good enough for me. I could be better, skinnier, more good looking, nicer. I was not good enough ever. For myself. And I think my non-perfect behaviour was kind of a rebellion against my own brain.
It became better in high school, and I started caring about schoolwork and my grades again. I met my boyfriend, and we were a bit on and off, which made my self-esteem go down again. I never knew where I had him. But all in all high school was very nice, and I climbed up from an average of D to becoming a B+ student.
I started at the University in 08. In high school, my perfectionism grew due to my good grades and I became ambitious. Even more demands, becoming the best University student ever. In some way it was motivational, but I started destroying myself because I was never satisfied with my efforts at the University, despite the fact that I obtained my bachelor's degree with an A on my dissertation and once again an average of B+. Good enough to start with a masters programme, but not good enough for me. I still felt stupid, and I believed I was just lucky to get good grades or the professors were drunk when they graded my papers. Self-harming continued and I developed an eating disorder in 2010, when some of my friends started working out; I wanted to look perfect, and wanted to be better than them. I also started to brainwash myself, thinking that I had done something I never did, and created situations that never happened. I went a year living in a different world than everyone else. I did not recognize my own way of thinking. I was afraid no one really liked me, because I am not good enough. I was sure my boyfriend would leave me anytime (which he has done, and that did not help with my already non-existing self-esteem), that my friends hated me, and my parents had given me up. I hated the way I looked, but most of all I hated my own person. My whole life I have been like this, and everyone I am close to has said "there has always been some problems with you. You have always had problems". I started identify myself with that way of thinking - once I overcome one thing, I create something knew. I developed GAD and became worried and anxious about every aspects of my life, from my relationship with my loved ones, to my economy, education, personality, looks, social settings, children, and the world in general.
I have already talked about my recent health anxiety. When my health anxiety took over, my eating disorder, which was my main issue at that time, almost disappeared. And now that my health anxiety is gone, I have nothing left. Because I cannot feel my eating disorder either. It comes every now and then, and I have some drawbacks. But generally, I just don't care.
My brain is stressed and anxious, because I have overcome my worst issues. My brain is continuously trying to find something new for me to worry about. Like now I start to worry about new symptoms, or worry that the ALS anxiety or eating disorder may come back. But I have learned new techniques from my therapist, and I do not believe in everything my brain wants me to believe anymore. I am worth more, I am good as I am. I am not ill, nor do I need to be skinny and "perfect". I do not want to fight for that anymore.
But my perfectionism wants its space. It is like I cannot live a life without a single worry. To be honest, that actually terrifies me. I have always been worried or self-destructive, and I have never truly enjoyed my life or waking up in the morning without a major issue.
I think that in a way, I cannot accept that I can live a happy life.
I work so hard not to dwell, and just live my life, but although I am grateful for the freedom I feel now, I cannot help but thinking that I am not supposed to be free.
An extremely long and confusing post maybe, and I apologize for any typing errors (see, there you have my brain pointing out my flaws before anyone else does). I know people have it far worse than I do, but perhaps there are some of you who can relate to this?
Also, I am NOT looking for sympathy...