My Girlfriend & her Anxiety

[philzoo]

I'm a 23 year old male seeking an outlet and some advice regarding my girlfriend's anxiety. My girlfriend is also 23, we have been together for just over a year and a half. This will be a long post, but hey, it's therapeutic and context is everything in these situations I would imagine.

Our relationship ran incredibly smoothly for a very long time, and this all changed at the beginning of August. I found out some terrible things my girlfriend had done to me very early on in the relationship which I was unaware of for a year and a half.

We have been basically living together, or spending every day with each other since I guess around January of this year, 2014. I dropped a lot of my old friends (they are useless, it was the right decision) and moved in to my girl's house in a heartbeat because, well, I'm deeply in love with her and I feel I have a bigger connection with her than anyone else, ever. You can imagine, when I realised all of this was built on lies from the outset of the relationship - I was in shock, when the shock subsided - it was replaced by, well, being very upset.

We talked it all out and we put all of her actions in context (she has had a particular tough time since moving up to my city for university and was sexually abused at the first party she ever attended in university, coupled with this are some more recent and fresh family problems including her parents getting separated). While I knew of her parents, I only found out about the sexual abuse after the truth came out in August, I was told this as a contextualisation for her actions at the beginning of our relationship. So, while we were trying to deal with the problems I had discovered that had been apparent from the outset of our relationship - I was also told about the sexual abuse - which we decided needed to be resolved in some way. We could logically assert that the sexual abuse that occurred in her freshman year resulted in a two year binge of, well, sex, drugs and alcohol. She explained how this carried over into our relationship. How she had been treated so badly by men before that she thought that if she just did whatever she wanted, despite committing to me, she wouldn't feel so upset when I (in her head) inevitably fucked her over.

After a lot of talking I decided that I would try and move on from the cheating at the start of the relationship, we both agreed we're deeply in love and have this deep connection - it turned out to be easier said than done. It all boiled over in the end.

I would wake up some days and have bad thoughts about all she had done to me. Letting me move my life into her house, leaving my family home - and also dropping a lot of friends out of my life (again this was still the right choice but it doesn't make it any easier) all on lie and deceit!

A lot of truths came out about her life, and everything that had happened since the sexual abuse in her freshman year, including on how she had cheated on every boyfriend she had ever had (three including me). It became clearer and clearer to me that this was a deep insecurity, a desire for attention and a feeling of being WANTED by somebody/anyone above all else. Instant gratification.

I felt very lost, hurt and really really foolish. So one day I woke up with my bad thoughts (we had been arguing quite a lot lately, usually me venting about everything that had happened). The bad thoughts were definitely worse than usual - since everything happened I was noticing how she was not really making any changes to appease me. She was behaving exactly as she did before all of the truth came out. She was not AT ALL sensitive to what she had done. I was not sure what to do, this day I wasn't upset - I was really really angry and frustrated.

I spent the day trying to figure out what to do - I felt as though she didn't really comprehend the extent of the hurt she had caused me, I have a really hard time trusting people as it is...even before this happened. I kept thinking of how she had cheated on every boyfriend she ever had, and how she had never been burned by any of them for doing so. How would she learn if I did nothing? I had tried expressing all of the emotions to her, but that wasn't helping my trust and happiness issues. I thought of exacting revenge, but I know myself I wouldn't be able to cheat. It just isn't in me. I love her too much, and my conscience is too strong. I thought about breaking up, no good again, I didn't want to break up.

And then BOOM!, it hit me. It seemed as though it was my only option. I decided I would pretend to break up with her in the hope of making her realise the potential loss for her own selfish actions. Needless to say, this didn't quite run as smoothly as I envisaged. At some point during my "fake" breakup attempt, I lost control. I wasn't really sure how to to tell her I wasn't being real, and this was all just a hoax. I was at a loss of how to deal with it once I had dropped the breakup into the conversation. She thought it was very real, that much was obvious. She was extremely upset, hysterical.

Eventually she sat on the floor, and began to hyperventilate, strangely enough at this stage we were not even arguing or anything - or talking about all that had happened. We were just sitting quietly..trying to process everything. The hyperventilating began, at which point I began to show fear. My sister has epilepsy and instantly I felt as if I had seen this before in my sister. I was very very afraid.

She then realised she could not feel/move her hands. She was having a panic attack, but at this stage neither of us knew that. I looked after her, brought her out for air, then brought her back into our bedroom where I wrapped her in blankets and lied on her very gently to try and warm her up. It eventually passed. I explained my actions, she understood where I was coming from and how I was just trying to make her feel something. I had no idea she would have a panic attack, and neither did she. Now that I know, I will never ever fight with her with the intensity of that day.

So we went to the doctor anyway two days after, and she said that she should be fine. That we should try and cut certain things out of her diet which might aid an attack i.e. alcohol, caffeine etc. We both felt a lot calmer as the doc said she is unlikely to have one again if we take the right steps. She particularly recommended if we are fighting to take pauses if required and try and keep everything very civil. All has been relatively fine since, she has no problem being social or moving on with general life tasks. She even got a new job three days after the panic attack which pays better than her old one!

I realised I needed to either forgive her and trust her, and move forward and forget the past, or end it. I have fully forgiven her and I am trusting her again more and more every day. I love her to bits and we both recognise that we could end up being a very very big part of eachother's lives.

However, since the panic attack I have noticed certain things which are worrying - she does seem to be much more susceptible to being overwhelmed or very upset. One example that comes to mind was we were in a supermarket and she asked if we could get ice cream. I whipped out my phone to see if she could eat it (she has acid reflux as well as anxiety). It turns out ice cream is bad for both. She couldn't deal with this bad news in the moment. You could see it in her expression straight away. I acted with my instincts and began to move around the store very quickly..so we could get out of there before anything was triggered. We managed.

Again, this evening, she was very tired after work. I told her to sit down, relax and let me do all the work. Cooking, cleaning & dishes. She refused to relax, she kept trying to do something. I started to get frustrated because I'm just worried and trying to help - and I told her to please just unwind and let me do it. She started to argue with me about it so I said okay, that's fine, she could do it all. She then apologised. I asked her if it was possible that she didn't want to sit still and be with her thoughts (in the calmest and nicest way possible), she said that it is just second nature for her to clean (she does have a very mild dose of OCD).

Later, I was mopping up the wood floors, and I went to move into our bedroom so I could finish mopping the hall....for one quick second she thought I was going to mop our bedroom floor, too. She was very panicked by the idea of it - even though I had no intention of doing so. I couldn't help but point out the overreaction.

Anyway everything is fine, she's asleep here beside me sound asleep. Nothing more happened.

Regarding the sexual abuse case and anxiety - she does not want to speak with a therapist. She feels more comfortable talking with me about both. She has been making a considerable effort to talk about everything and try and get more in touch with what is going on with her mind and body.

Sorry for the long winded post once again, but I want to give as much context as possible.

I love her to bits, and I only want to help her through the anxiety and worry. I know some things I might be doing are only making her more aware of this new found anxiety. I have been doing a lot of research and asked her this evening what I can do to help, or what I am doing which isn't helping. She told me sometimes my stream of consciousness is too strong and I go on a big rant about something when she is trying to tell me something. I am going to make sure that never happens again. I'm just looking for some friendly advice basically.

I also can't help but feel I had a lot to do with causing it, if not all to do with causing it.

Oh, I guess my stream of consciousness comes across here, too, haha!

[needtogetwell]

Hi Philzoo,

Well, you have a lot on your hands. While I understand her reluctance for therapy, my first thoughts are this is exactly what she needs, with and without you. Failing that, here is what I suggest.

What many men fail to understand about women is that more often than not we are looking for our partners to simply listen to us, and truly understand what we are saying. I'm not in any way suggesting that you aren't listening, but it seems like the natural instinct for men is to fix what is wrong. A very admirable quality for sure. But that may not always be possible. Your girlfriend needs to fix this for herself. Only she can reconcile in her own mind how the abuse affected her, and how the odd conflict with you sends her into anxiety attacks.

This may not seem very helpful, but really it works. As you are talking, try to guide her to find her own solutions. Once you figure out what the issue of the moment is, then ask her how she thinks it can be fixed. This is very similar to a root cause analysis, you are trying to break this down into the smallest manageable components, and then formulate a plan to get past it. But remember, the plan on how to get past these huge issues must come from her, otherwise you run the risk of putting a band aid on it and having it blow up on you somewhere down the line.

The anxiety, and self worth issues (related to the abuse) are her issues, not yours. Be supportive and listen, listen and listen but don't solve the problem, she had to come to terms on her own timetable.

She is very lucky to have you.
Good luck.

[philzoo]

Hey needtogetwell. Thank you for the response, it was very calming!

I do agree that therapy does seem rather appropriate, but she doesn't want to speak to a stranger about the abuse she has received, and that, I can't help but understand. I don't want to force it but it is something I have suggested, and will try and make her see the light again for therapy. Nevertheless, she is stronger than she sounds....she just never ever dealt with the abuse, ever. Her parents found out because she broke down after a night of drinking over a Summer, and since then she repressed the memories and feelings again.

One of the things I told her was, she either talks to me about it, talks to a therapist about it, or her sister about it or do none of the above and risk losing me. Again, maybe a far too aggressive ultimatum but I can't help but feel it is the most urgent issue to address. She said she wanted to talk to me about it before anybody else.

Since then she has been making a fantastic effort to express herself in ways she never ever has before. She has talked to me about that night she was sexually assaulted twice since all of it - which is pretty great considering everything. She has talked about her parents and we have started to resolve those issues with her father and mother, as a team. Also she seems more open to telling me any fear or anxiety she is experiencing, regardless how silly she THINKS it is. She is really really making a conscious effort to express herself and not bottle everything away for a relentless explosion!

You are absolutely right, I am exactly as you have described. It's not that I think there is a quick-fix but instead of trying to fully grasp where she is coming from I try and tell her how she should look at it, instead of fully comprehending HER view. You are spot on there.

I do keep telling her though, that it is up to her. It is up to her to express herself honestly and transparently, nobody can force her to express her true thoughts. She knows this, too.

That sounds great, just helping her on her way as she narrates a feeling or experience, and then ask her what would help release that fear/anger/emotion?

Noted. The plan and help must come from her, I can only encourage her progress. I did suggest getting a punching bag for the guy who assaulted her. She liked the sound of that!

Thank you for taking the time to reply - it means an awful lot to me.

[Kuma]

The punching bag sounds like a great idea. But, beyond that, I suspect your girlfriend really does need to talk with a therapist. She is dealing with some serious stuff, especially for a young person. Taking with you is great, but you have your own interests and your own perspective and concerns, etc., which necessarily means you cannot be entirely dispassionate. A therapist can be.

Insisting that someone see a therapist does not work very well. Her heart needs to be in it. Otherwise, the therapy time can just be wasted. And an "ultimatum" to seek therapy would also not be my first choice -- for the reason I stated above, and also because "if you don't do X, I will leave you" is a dangerous road to go down in any relationship. A strong relationship should be the one constant in someone's life -- a source of stability -- the thing you know will always be there. Threats to leave undermine that sense of security -- dangerous for anyone, but particularly for someone suffering anxiety.

But maybe a plea would work. Maybe "I am totally invested in this relationship but I am really concerned that even someone as strong as you will inevitably have some difficulty processing everything that you -- and we -- have been through -- without some guidance from a counselor or therapist. I would like you to try this because I think it will make the next 50 years that I hope we have together better." Another alternative would be for you and she to do therapy together. Would that make her more likely to do it? Couple therapy is quite different than individual (having done both), but there are some reasons for you to do that, based on what you wrote -- infidelity, assault on one of you, a fake break up, anxiety and panic -- these are things that affect both of you. I suspect individual and couples therapy would make sense, but there may be some practical limits on what you can do. (It all takes time, it all costs money, and there is the issue of what your girlfriend is willing to do). But in my opinion any of this would be better than none of it.

Good luck.

[philzoo]

Kuma, thank you for taking time out to give some perspective, I really appreciate that.

I agree some form of therapy would be ideal, but with her reluctance it would be a struggle to make her see otherwise. Financial cost would also be a grave issue currently as I am studying to become a solicitor and have all my money tied up in education fees.

It's not that I am insisting she see a therapist, I am just insisting she speaks about her issues and worries as they arise. If she is in work she says she will write any worries down and we can go through them when we're relaxing after dinner..before a walk & a movie before bed or whatever. The ultimatum was not so much an ultimatum but "you risk losing me if you don't deal with your past because it is exactly what has happened in your past which caused certain behaviours during the start of the relationship". It wasn't so much a real threat as to get her to correlate her behaviour recently to her not confronting her past, if you understand what I mean? But yeah, it was selfish in itself, but I can't help but feel she didn't quite realise the importance of self-expression either.

Therapy together does sound like a viable option, she needed me to go to the doctor with her after the panic attack - so maybe she would be more open to therapy if I was to be part of the process, too. Money is an issue and while I understand how one could see therapy as the solution - she has never ever been so in touch with herself, her wants, her needs, her vices, her virtues, her angels and her demons as she is now. Today, she is glowing...despite being on her first day of her menstrual cycle (which is incredibly unusual for her, normally she is zapped!). We talked briefly about her assault last night as it was bothering her yesterday evening, and she expressed that - and she is clearly better off for it today.

She is opening up to her past in a way she never has before - so this is therapeutic in itself. However, therapy is something I will try and suggest again at a later stage. Right now, I'm just trying to get her to a stage where she realises therapy is a viable and secure option.

Your plea suggestion is definitely a good one. We don't have the financial capability right now to pay for consistent counselling and I think she is opening up in ways she never ever has since her freshman year. So while I do agree with you fundamentally, I can't put your advice into action right now! It will be a long process to show her the way to therapy, I think!

Thanks again, though.

[Kuma]

You seem like a really insightful guy, with more perspective and more wisdom than most 23 year old guys I know, or at least most 23 year old guys I knew when I was 23. Good luck. Kuma

[philzoo]

Kuma, thank you again for the advice and perspective. It is really warming to know that there are people in the world who will take time out of their day to address someone else's concerns. There isn't enough of that these days. This is the kind of place that really reinforces my faith in humanity. Same goes for you "needtogetwell" and to the rest of you all reading this.

Keep this community going!

[Anne1221]

I agree with one of the above posters. She is indeed, very lucky to have you. My advice would be to see a therapist yourself (when you are able) to best learn how to address all of the needs/issues she has in the most healthy way. Everything you posted was really spot on except there is one thing you could discuss with a therapist. 1. you said, "I also can't help but feel I had a lot to do with causing it, if not all to do with causing it:. These are her issues, not yours and you are doing everything in your power to help her.

[philzoo]

Hey guys, thanks for the responses.

Firstly I would just like to say that I am less concerned with issues of infidelity than the way in which the sexual abuse has been unresolved and ignored. The sexual abuse is the fundamental cause of all the abusive behavior that followed, including the carry over into our relationship. I am more concerned with her well being at this point in time than the potential for her to cheat on me again (I think this is very unlikely anyway, she is in a MUCH better place than she was in February 2013 - when we met. I only know this in retrospect of course).

I want to give a massive THANK YOU to all of you. I decided after reading all the different responses that I needed to try make her see my, and your, point of view.

In a bid to make my girlfriend realize the viability and security of therapy I simply read this whole thread out to her. My post, your responses and my responses. She has wholeheartedly agreed to try couple therapy with me. She said she is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure we don't wake up unhappy at 40! I explained how you are all speaking from experience and genuinely trying to help. She is as impressed by you all as I am.

So again, thank you all very much. You made her see it in a way her mother or I could not.

[Kuma]

Great news, Phil. Best of luck to you and your girlfriend!

[needtogetwell]

That's fantastic Phil, so glad we could help.
Good luck!

[philzoo]

I'll make sure to pop on and let you guys know how her progress is! Keep doing what you do!

[Steven Miller]

We're not all nice here, I am a massive jerk as shown in my other posts.

I think the benefit of just listening to her is that you aren't taking responsibility for her recovery. It says that you support her efforts to take care of herself, rather than trying to take care of her yourself.

[Im-Suffering]

I'll make sure to pop on and let you guys know how her progress is! Keep doing what you do!

Begin (psychic) reading for Phil: pay attention to typographical emphasis as it was given.

Not quite yet a time for celebration. You are both young, you especially are smitten. You are both caught in a distorted framework. Things are not as rosy as they seem.

She has her beliefs about men from her father, and that relationship father/mother included abuse of which you are not privy and she herself has blocked partly from memory. Her beliefs are strong and firm and thus far have not been cracked, so her words conflict with her feelings. She could act out those beliefs, and will when triggered, no matter the advice you give or of this forum, leaving you torn and back at step one, again, so to speak.

The freshman incident and lifestyle for several years corroborated her beliefs and thus she was no victim here but fleshing out those belief/ideas about men, period. She simply does not like them. That was her way of empowering herself, having power over, unlike her mother who was passive you see. And so there was resentment there, and shame. Now she cannot come truly clean with her thoughts, because some of that child's memories are so painful, they have been denied and now hidden. She does not believe in fidelity, no matter the words that she speaks.

When she is most comfortable with you, is when the beliefs lash out, the psyche is conflicted. She did indeed get a raw deal.

Now your love is wonderful, and you are good friends on a spiritual level. She, as a he, did help you in similar ways in a so called other life, and now you play role reversal to learn what it's like on the other end. She did not leave you then, and you would not leave her now.

But, until the family dynamics are worked out..... and now especially her beliefs are reinforced like steel because of the separation.

I will not go further into the separation, but you will not get pie in the sky here from me, you will get what needs doing. And there is a great deal of emotional healing needed in that psyche. There will be upheavals of energy releases when this soul gets to the real 'heart' of the matter. There will be instant transformation, that is how you will tell. That would be permanent.

But, now, since you are codependent, if she truly heals, your relationship may not fit with her new beliefs, do you understand? Better to heal in any regard and save the soul, than keep you around to lean on, and vice verse.

It is a hard one indeed, but as said you are both souls reciprocating the favors, and in the grand scheme, very loving gestures that will be eternal no matter the duration of this relationship.

Once completely healed, you may meet again 'next life' in which there will be no baggage, you will seem very familiar with each other, marry, and have the life you think you would have now, a vacation from challenges, a sojourn of straight love, which is the most romantic of them all.

This life remains open as to possibilities and healing, and relationship potential. I cannot read it, because it is probable. Still open in direction.

Look straight at the father as the role model, the family dynamics, the interactions between each other. Trust, is the word of the day. She must learn to like men, period. Her true healing will expose itself as explosive, anything other will only serve to placate you, and is a facade, like it is now, period.

Healing in this manner will come from the little neglected girl inside, not the woman you see. She must let that little girl vent, that is where the pain is.

Now this may have been harsh, but I have come today for her, to wake her out of her coma. Although I am not in her life now, rather alive now, intuitively she would instantly feel and recognize my familiar personality. For Phil, you are in her dream, it is her landscape, you see, therefor her rules, period. Be aware, and work only on the areas we suggested, at first.

Your forgotten friend, with love.

End of reading

[Kuma]

Or you could ignore I'm Suffering's long-winded babbling and just be happy that things seem to be headed in the right direction...

All the best.

[Anne1221]

That is good news indeed. Please tell her we wish both of you all the best!