Advice?

[xkuntra]

Hey my name is Kendra and I'm 19, currently suffering with anxiety. I'm new and have already found the posts on this site to be super helpful, but I'm wondering if any of you could send me some more personal advice based on my situation? (:

I don't know where to start, so anywhere is good I suppose. I started getting anxiety around 7th grade, it was due to fear of being bullied every morning on the bus before school. The actual bullying went on for a few months or so from what I remember but the anxiety lasted long after that. I would panic before school and often beg my mother to let me stay home and a lot of the time she would let me. I got really depressed, was absent from school a lot, and my grades were suffering. At the time I didn't know what was wrong with me but when I decided to finally seek help from my mother, who is very understanding and suffers from her bipolar disorder as well as bpd, decided to take me to see a therapist. They in turn had me see a psychiatrist and I was put on prozac when I was about 14. A lot has happened since then and now, but I never had much luck with doctors. I went to seek help more recently and found myself very disappointed after each appointment, there really is not much they can do for me is the impression I get. They just keep suggesting groups or uping my dose of (currently) zoloft. (I've even started taking magnesium as one thread suggested.)

I was learning to cope and manage my symptoms but I would still wake up every morning with an upset stomach and even panic some days before school. Around my junior year of high school I ended up going on independent study and from there I got my GED. I was doing really well for a while up until I was told that I had to start looking for a job. All my anxiety suddenly came flooding back and even just talking about it would make me cry.

So right now, after recently going through a major depressive episode after quitting my first job due to anxiety, I finally have a little breathing room to relax and I've decided I really need to grab this bull by the horn. My anxiety is totally controllable and almost non-existent now when it comes to regular things like going out, going into the store, seeing people, and I find that I can manage my anxiety as long as it's mild enough. The real problem is the fact that I can't get/keep a job because I literally freak out every morning before going into work. Full blown panic system shut down mode, I can't control the tears when that happens and crying at work is the worst feeling. There was nothing wrong with the place I worked either, I would still be there if I could, everyone was very nice. I'm not sure why I get so much anxiety about it, even now I still get choked up if I have to have a serious conversation about what my next step is going to be. I don't think I can go back to work in this condition, I have to get it under control.

If it helps to get deeper into my thoughts on why specifically I don't want one, I think a little bit of it is the pressure of having a job in order to support myself financially. I think it's a completely screwed up system that in order to actually live and survive in this world, you need money. I'm so young and I don't know what I want to do with life, and I look at my family and my friend's families (specifically the adults) and I see what other people's lives have turned out like and they all just seem so bitter and still struggling. I'm honestly afraid to live such an average life, where all you do is work for a living, party and get drunk, get married at some point, have kids, probably get divorced, have a mid life crisis, get married again, wonder what the hell I did with my life at 2am, eventually retire and so on. That's the kind of life I'm scared to live, I want so much more out of the world but I have no idea how to apply myself. I have a hard time being positive with myself and believing that I can actually do something, and when I start thinking about something I start thinking about everything until I overwhelm myself. I really just wish I could take all this energy and focus it into something productive.

[Xerosnake90]

The main thing to focus on here is your worry about living a so called "normal life". You've developed a habit of avoiding your problems, as evidenced by you staying home to be away from those who bullied you. This is now your response, to avoid the things that you deem to bother you. The idea of life scares you, you'd rather avoid it. Ideas of a normal life seem boring as a result to make you feel ok with the idea of not doing those things. Welcome to how you develop anxiety 101.

Life is what you make it dear. There's much joy and pleasure to be found in life and what you make out of it is how you'll go about it. Determine that your fear of reality and life is holding you back. You have a strong grip, you'll overcome your fears once you learn to stop avoiding that which is reality. Enjoy yourself. Have good times and all will be well :)

[gypsylee]

Hey my name is Kendra and I'm 19, currently suffering with anxiety. I'm new and have already found the posts on this site to be super helpful, but I'm wondering if any of you could send me some more personal advice based on my situation? (:

I don't know where to start, so anywhere is good I suppose. I started getting anxiety around 7th grade, it was due to fear of being bullied every morning on the bus before school. The actual bullying went on for a few months or so from what I remember but the anxiety lasted long after that. I would panic before school and often beg my mother to let me stay home and a lot of the time she would let me. I got really depressed, was absent from school a lot, and my grades were suffering. At the time I didn't know what was wrong with me but when I decided to finally seek help from my mother, who is very understanding and suffers from her bipolar disorder as well as bpd, decided to take me to see a therapist. They in turn had me see a psychiatrist and I was put on prozac when I was about 14. A lot has happened since then and now, but I never had much luck with doctors. I went to seek help more recently and found myself very disappointed after each appointment, there really is not much they can do for me is the impression I get. They just keep suggesting groups or uping my dose of (currently) zoloft.

I was learning to cope and manage my symptoms but I would still wake up every morning with an upset stomach and even panic some days before school. Around my junior year of high school I ended up going on independent study and from there I got my GED. I was doing really well for a while up until I was told that I had to start looking for a job. All my anxiety suddenly came flooding back and even just talking about it would make me cry.

So right now, after recently going through a major depressive episode after quitting my first job due to anxiety, I finally have a little breathing room to relax and I've decided I really need to grab this bull by the horn. My anxiety is totally controllable and almost non existant now when it comes to regular things like going out, going into the store, seeing people, and I find that I can manage my anxiety as long as it's mild enough. The real problem is the fact that I can't get/keep a job because I literally freak out every morning before going into work. Full blown panic system shut down mode, I can't control the tears when that happens and crying at work is the worst feeling. There was nothing wrong with the place I worked either, I would still be there if I could, everyone was very nice. I'm not sure why I get so much anxiety about it, even now I still get choked up if I have to have a serious conversation about what my next step is going to be. I don't think I can go back to work in this condition, I have to get it under control.

If it helps to get deeper into my thoughts on why specifically I don't want one, I think a little bit of it is the pressure of having a job in order to support myself financially. I think it's a completely screwed up system that in order to actually live and survive in this world, you need money. I'm so young and I don't know what I want to do with life, and I look at my family and my friend's families (specifically the adults) and I see what other people's lives have turned out like and they all just seem so bitter and still struggling. I'm honestly afraid to live such an average life, where all you do is work for a living, party and get drunk, get married at some point, have kids, probably get divorced, have a mid life crisis, get married again, wonder what the hell I did with my life at 2am, eventually retire and so on. That's the kind of life I'm scared to live, I want so much more out of the world but I have no idea to apply myself. I have a hard time being positive with myself and believing that I can actually do something, and when I start thinking about something I start thinking about everything until I overwhelm myself. I really just wish I could take all this energy and focus it into something productive.


Hi Kendra,

Well firstly, it sounds like you are quite wise for your age. I think it's good that you are looking at the big picture eg. How people who have followed the standard pattern in life are bitter and struggling. It must be daunting to be young in this messed-up world.

Unfortunately though you do have to make ends meet somehow. I guess my advice would be to think about ways to make money that aren't too stressful. Maybe something at night time or something that doesn't involve dealing with a lot of people. It doesn't have to be a career, just something to pay the bills. Then you can think about what you want to do.

In terms of dealing with anxiety, maybe read some books on meditation and mindfulness ie. being in the present moment. There are some great ones out there like "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. This talks about how our minds get quite out of control and we can't stop thinking for even a minute. It also gives you a different perspective on life to what the mainstream culture keeps telling us.

I'm sure you'll work through this..
All the best :)
Gypsy

[xkuntra]

Thank you both for your replies!

You're totally right, I avoid things, it's become my way of coping and I often even avoid my own feelings. I find myself just ignoring the things that bother me rather than actually dealing with them. Which is not good at all because I tend to suppress certain things and it's almost like I'm saving it for later, and then I just feel a whole lot of things at once. It's definitely something I need to change.

And thanks for your suggestions Gypsy, I actually am very interested in meditation and the whole lifestyle I find some people adopting along with it. I totally believe in the idea that we create our own reality, I've been trying very hard to be more positive but there's always that nagging in the back of my head.
As far as something to pay the bills, I really would love if I could make ends meat doing what I love, I just lack the motivation right now. I've always wanted to do something with art, animals or possibly something like environmental conservation. Maybe even find a way to merge them all together?

[xkuntra]

Sorry to double post, but if I may add, after doing a lot of thinking and it's kind of always been a possibility in my mind, I think some of it may stem from my father's negativity growing up. He's a wonderful man and a great dad and I hate to put that on him because he already deals with so much, but whenever any responsibility is placed on me, my first thoughts are always something along the lines of "I can't do it," or "I can't do it right," things that he would literally tell me and still continues to do so. He's just very harsh in the way he critiques and I've never really felt like anything I do is good enough, because he never acts like it is. I understand it's just his poor ability to display certain emotions, but it still bothers me. My mother has gotten into many arguments with him about it because he does the same thing to her, worse even. How would you suggest nipping that in the bud? I don't know how I would ever bring myself to telling him any of this, I'm not good at talking about things and I've never really brought it up to anyone actually.

[gypsylee]

It's hard when you have a parent's (or anyone's) voice internalised like that. I have the same with my mother. I'd love to know how to get rid of it! The good thing though is that you recognise it - that's part of realising that we have all sorts of beliefs about ourselves that mostly aren't true..

[Enduronman]

How would you suggest nipping (all of this) in the bud? I don't know how I would ever bring myself to telling (anyone) any of this, I'm not good at talking about things and I've never really brought it up to anyone actually.

You've got the medications to assist you, now follow through and find a therapist or a Psych or a counselor to talk too weekly...
Dump ALL of this out to them, every last shred of your thoughts and perspectives of "life" in general...
You'd be amazed at how much better you will soon feel.
Wishing you good mental health!

Enduronman :)

[xkuntra]

Thank you for your words, I'll try my best!

[briggs05]

Kendra- It sounds like your work anxiety is directly related to the anxiety that you had at school. It sounds like it reminds you of being picked on. I would revisit that time in school, as hard as it may be, and tell yourself that (I'm assuming) there was no reason for those kids to pick on you and that they were the ones with the problem. I would try to take those thoughts and use them when you are feeling anxious at work. Tell yourself that there is nothing wrong or scary about work and that you can go about it just like everyone else.

I agree with you that it kind of sucks that we have to give up so much time and energy just to make money. However, one positive way to look at it is that work doesn't take up all of your time and in your time off, you can do whatever you want. Work can be a great social outlet, too. I would try very hard to get a job that you enjoy to offset any discouragement that you might feel about spending so much time doing it, though.