sadclownbadsummer
09-08-2014, 07:34 PM
Hi, I'm Malia. Age 21 and just graduated from college with a B.A. in English. Great writer, horrible speaker.
I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I had panic attacks and trichotillomania (pulling out my own hair) growing up, but during high school my anxiety became unmanageable for me. My panic attacks started getting to hospitalization levels, so I learned to avoid having attacks, which has led to some pretty debilitating agoraphobia. I'd also been homeschooled and pretty isolated up until high school, only interacting with family members, so ever since I've been out in the "real world," I feel like I've had a really hard time reading social cues and making eye contact/short conversation without worrying if I'm doing it right. (I also got bulled in high school, which sucked.) Past friends and family members have told me that I'm too quiet and that I come off rude when I try speaking, but they say this even when I'm trying my hardest to be friendly. For the last couple of months I've had two friends and a girlfriend, and I'm grateful for them and hope I can keep them long term (they sort of understand that when I go a long time without talking to them it's not personal, so that's good).
Within the last year or two the panic attacks have gotten less severe, but it's mostly because I avoid panic-inducing situations, which include things like getting a job, making phone calls, buying groceries for myself, and just keeping myself alive in general.
Sometimes all I can do some days is get out of bed a few times, or go outside and stand by my front door.
I got through college because of my independent study habits, but I only made a connection with one professor. Usually I showed up to class and never participated, because even just sitting in the room full of people was exhausting. I've also burned the bridges with all but one of my past employers, and have quit/gotten fired from two jobs because of panic attacks. I have a bachelor's but am having trouble finding the courage to apply for a job, because I feel like my lack of a social life, lack of references and my history of quitting is going to stunt me. (Also, in-person interviews sound like the scariest thing in the world at the moment. All four of my last jobs had phone interviews or no interviews at all.)
I was going to behavioral therapy through my college for a year, but now that I've graduated I don't have access to it anymore. That therapist prescribed me with Zoloft, but it made my depression worse, so I've been wary of trying a new medication. She was doing some behavioral therapy with me, but sometimes I can't do the exercises because they involve speaking out loud to myself (and it's ridiculous, but sometimes even hearing my own voice freaks me out.) I need a new therapist, but have to make several phone calls in order to figure out if I even have health insurance anymore and I'm nervous for that.
Anyway, I'm on this forum because I'm hoping that I'm not the only one who's dealt with anxiety like this, and I'm hoping to find stories from people who've gone through it and have come out "on the other side."
I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I had panic attacks and trichotillomania (pulling out my own hair) growing up, but during high school my anxiety became unmanageable for me. My panic attacks started getting to hospitalization levels, so I learned to avoid having attacks, which has led to some pretty debilitating agoraphobia. I'd also been homeschooled and pretty isolated up until high school, only interacting with family members, so ever since I've been out in the "real world," I feel like I've had a really hard time reading social cues and making eye contact/short conversation without worrying if I'm doing it right. (I also got bulled in high school, which sucked.) Past friends and family members have told me that I'm too quiet and that I come off rude when I try speaking, but they say this even when I'm trying my hardest to be friendly. For the last couple of months I've had two friends and a girlfriend, and I'm grateful for them and hope I can keep them long term (they sort of understand that when I go a long time without talking to them it's not personal, so that's good).
Within the last year or two the panic attacks have gotten less severe, but it's mostly because I avoid panic-inducing situations, which include things like getting a job, making phone calls, buying groceries for myself, and just keeping myself alive in general.
Sometimes all I can do some days is get out of bed a few times, or go outside and stand by my front door.
I got through college because of my independent study habits, but I only made a connection with one professor. Usually I showed up to class and never participated, because even just sitting in the room full of people was exhausting. I've also burned the bridges with all but one of my past employers, and have quit/gotten fired from two jobs because of panic attacks. I have a bachelor's but am having trouble finding the courage to apply for a job, because I feel like my lack of a social life, lack of references and my history of quitting is going to stunt me. (Also, in-person interviews sound like the scariest thing in the world at the moment. All four of my last jobs had phone interviews or no interviews at all.)
I was going to behavioral therapy through my college for a year, but now that I've graduated I don't have access to it anymore. That therapist prescribed me with Zoloft, but it made my depression worse, so I've been wary of trying a new medication. She was doing some behavioral therapy with me, but sometimes I can't do the exercises because they involve speaking out loud to myself (and it's ridiculous, but sometimes even hearing my own voice freaks me out.) I need a new therapist, but have to make several phone calls in order to figure out if I even have health insurance anymore and I'm nervous for that.
Anyway, I'm on this forum because I'm hoping that I'm not the only one who's dealt with anxiety like this, and I'm hoping to find stories from people who've gone through it and have come out "on the other side."