Some advice please

[Ippity]

Hi all,

I know I have only introduced myself in one post, but it has taken me the time from between that post to now to actually bring up the courage to write something.

I scare myself with my thought processes at times and am struggling to understand who to turn to, what to believe or who to listen to. I am scared of even writing this post as I truly believe that I will get arrested and go to prison. I have done nothing illegal, so I know that this is not a reality, but it is something that I feel. I feel I am being watched, my IP addresses are being tracked and key words are being logged in an attempt to entrap me with something. I work within a job which holds a high position of trust, and over the past few years, I have been accused and investigated for theft and dishonesty by my company, none of which have ever been true and as a result, never been validated when investigated. My confidence at work nose dived, I over analysed every single movement I made, every conversation, every single aspect of work and it was all scrutinised on a daily basis. Out of all the things done correctly, the one area or point of improvement would be picked out and written down as evidence as not being able to do your job and constantly used to submit bogus claims resulting in criminal investigations against me and ostrisize you from your work colleagues. I would over analyse every thing I did to ensure that noone could find fault and I was finding myself trying to attain a level of complete perfection despite knowing that perfection is not possible. This is only the top of the ice berg as such, but I am concerned about disclosing any more. This has occured for numerous years now and I just kept battling through it, but I think it started a spiral - I would try to attain perfection ,worry about not doing so, get critised, that would knock my confidence further, try harder to be perfect, fail at that and so on. I would find myself crying for no reason, I was watching an animated movie with the kids, and I will break down whilst watching it. I would find myself crying over silly things for no reason whatsoever. A number of months ago, I just broke down. I was literally walking the dog and I just hit the floor.

I have since been signed off for quite a few months. I have no feelings of hurting myself, but I now truly believe that I am being watched, even though, after a bit of time, I can accept that I am being unreasonable in my thought process. That my company are looking for an excuse, any excuse, to find me guilty of some allegation and report it to the authorities again and send me to prison. I wish I could explain more but I dont trust anyone to be able to explain it to. I need to return to work at some point, but I am really scared to. Intitially it was deemed as "situational anxiety" as it was only occuring within the workplace but now I am not so sure. I struggle to make even basic decisions now, constantly second guess myself and try now to constantly ensure that I have worked out every single scenario or possible scenario before attempting a task. My confidence is completely destroyed, I do not believe in myself in the slightest, even doing hobbies which I know I am good at, I fail to believe myself. Had to change a clutch on my car, something I have done many times, something which most people would not attempt by themselves, and halfway through it, this was yesterday, I just broke down again. Lost all ability to believe that I could do it. I fear of failing as a man, I feel weak for feeling this way, for allowing a situation to allow me to feel this way. I have always been a strong person, always raised above situations in life, but I am struggling here. I feel I am falling into a deep hole and it scares me. I feel like a child in a mans body. I feel weak, an embarassment to my family and worst of all, I feel like I am failing my wife and my young kids. I just want to be left alone, I dont want to go outside, I dont want anyone to see me, I dont want anyone to be able to see me in case there is some other bizarre accusation and I go to prison and lose my family.

Why dont I quit my job? Because, funnily enough, I still enjoy my job, and if I leave my job, I fail as a father and husband as I will not be able to support my family. I feel anxious about returning to work but not being at work is also affecting me as I feel guilty for not being at work and being at home.

I do not value myself at all, my self worth and self belief is gone. I do not believe that I am a member of society who can give anything functional. I supress everything for a while, then it overflows, I break down again, and then I start supressing them again. I know they are there, I can feel them, I just refuse to listen to them.

The best way I can describe it is that, I feel like a child in a mans body, along with all the insecurities, uncertanties and my desire to constantly need to lean on others for my emotional support. I can accept that my thoughts of prison etc are unreasonable, but I believe them to the point where it paralyses me. I have no intentions of ever hurting myself or anyone else.

[Im-Suffering]

...............
The best way I can describe it is that, I feel like a child in a mans body, along with all the insecurities, uncertanties and my desire to constantly need to lean on others for my emotional support. I can accept that my thoughts of prison etc are unreasonable, but I believe them to the point where it paralyses me. I have no intentions of ever hurting myself or anyone else.

Pay close attention to the typographical emphasis, let's begin with your answer:

Loss of liberty is one of the major phobias, period. Resulting from guilt. It has a foundation, and the reason is consciously available.

Now, a child is not uncertain, afraid, or inherently insecure, a man is. A child is innately innocent and trusting, until such time as he is taught not to be, or convicted psychologically by an adult in authority of some action or words, and made to feel guilty, shameful, insecure, which is what happened to you, repeatedly.

Listen carefully, your work experience is an expression of repressed emotions made physical from an earlier time as just mentioned. You need the job, you are attracted to it to corroborate the guilt you feel, the shame, and thus the actions by your work toward you reinforce those feelings. You will naturally move to a different line of work as those feelings are worked out and sorted or released from childhood or adolescence through 20's. One of your mistakes is thinking the outer influences the inner and thus you are a victim or con-victed. This error in judgement is crucial to recognize, for the inner comes first, physical life faithfully representing your thoughts, no exceptions.

Once released, and you no longer feel these emotions, either the present work will halt the trust issues, or you will migrate to another job that does not test you, for you will be living a different reality entirely.

Do the personal internal work, the reasons (origins)for mistrust, guilt, shame are conscious, period. Once the incipient beliefs are discovered, (resulting from traumatic events) you can work on changing those beliefs about self, seeing them as simply no longer valid will help. For you are not being told your a bad boy any more, and the family traumas from the past are nothing now but lingering hallucinations, you see. The real issues may be hidden, thus you have to probe a bit, feeling your way around remembered events, and playing detective within the fearful memories. Now I say feel your way around, because feelings will not lie.

Your imagination will play as big a role in feeling good, as it has been in feeling bad, use it constructively to paint beneficial internal pictures of a new life, filled with the opposite qualities that you now feel. No exceptions to this, allow some time for the new you to take over. Tell the spouse what you are doing she will indeed help or hinder. Because she is attracted to the old you and it's qualities, she may be pleasantly surprised, or you may have to leave her behind. Time will tell. Either way, it's about you now, and your imagination will be the tool to create the new beliefs and new life. You will expect differently, and your family should know of the impending changes, so it will not be a shock, you see.

I have given you the way, plus a basic understanding in lehmans terms, read this several times until you get it.

End of post this morning, I have answered your cries, never say the universe doesn't listen. You do not need to look at any other responses in this thread, of which I'm sure there will be all sorts, end it here. You do not need any advice that could confuse or dilute this message. Should you need to know who I am, read my post history. It is critical you understand what is happening in your life.

End of reading.

[Im-Suffering]

The above post and it's advice is suitable for all readers present and future who suffer similar conditions. So the OP unknowingly has changed the world for the better, by expressing himself. Something he was afraid to do.

Let that show him he is not alone, and neither are you, those reading this in their present 'today'.

[Enduronman]

It's very difficult to follow such an eloquent posted reply by ImSuffering, but all I see is irrational fear of fears in virtually everything you are comtemplating or thinking about and as I always say, pick a starting point for some medical intervention be it a doctor, therapist, and seek out some help and guidance to get you back on a positive track and direction.
You've gotta pick yourself up as none of us can do that for you and attempt to make some lasting changes in your thought patterns and approach towards the complexities of life in general...
We ALL struggle in one way or another and we ALL must face differing challenges, issues, troubles, in one form and or many forms or ways as they are all unique.
Change the things that you can, and learn to accept the things that you can't change..
It does make life a bit more tolerable and bearable to those of us suffering in these many varying degrees..
Best wishes to you and hopes for a more peaceful future and existence too.

Enduronman :)

[Im-Suffering]

It's very difficult to follow such an eloquent posted reply by ImSuffering, but all I see is irrational fear of fears in virtually everything you are comtemplating or thinking about and as I always say, pick a starting point for some medical intervention be it a doctor, therapist, and seek out some help and guidance to get you back on a positive track and direction.
You've gotta pick yourself up as none of us can do that for you and attempt to make some lasting changes in your thought patterns and approach towards the complexities of life in general...
We ALL struggle in one way or another and we ALL must face differing challenges, issues, troubles, in one form and or many forms or ways as they are all unique.
Change the things that you can, and learn to accept the things that you can't change..
It does make life a bit more tolerable and bearable to those of us suffering in these many varying degrees..
Best wishes to you and hopes for a more peaceful future and existence too.

Enduronman :)

I wanted to say hello to you. When I have read your posts here and there, I got the images of weights in my mind, signifying a very heavy existence, symbolic of. But I have had no direct messages for you, you are doing just fine. A most excellent human, you have chiseled out fantastic character from the challenges, and thus you have won the game of life. For it's about what you take with you, what you leave behind returns to dust.

I sense from those that have crossed they are proud of you, and I feel their tears of joy in each triumphant success, each step forward, even now I am tearing.

Often I know you dream of a healthy future with no limitations from the body, and this is good, it's part of the learning. Not to say a full recovery to optimum health is not possible in this life, and it may indeed be probable. You are creating your future with today's thoughts.

Again, we are so proud of you, that's the message from beyond. You should know that. You are thinking about them, and they can feel that too. They want to thank you for not judging, and want you to see in yourself the kindness you see in others.

That is all.

[Enduronman]

Hello ImSuffering!

Pleased to meet you.
The weights may have something to do with my past love an affinity for weight lifting, pushing myself beyond where I should have, forcing something to change, which all backfired of course.
Yes, a very heavy existence I would say from birth and continuing into the now and present day and being challenged virtually every step of the way it seems.
This game of life has been a torturous and tremendously painful journey both mentally and physically with much of it being caused by oneself, choices, decisions.
Thank you for being so complimentary, it means a lot to me to receive your support, thoughts, words, impression.
I do dream of that day when I am not controlled by a failing physical body and again free to do some things that I once did, walk, run, sit, stand without pain and discomfort...
And without relying on this giant bag full of medications to attempt to give me a better quality of life and being.
Creating a future, with the thoughts of this day..very true, accurate, deeply empathetic and profound...You can see and sense things beyond and behind the words of this screen.
Blessings to you friend and hopes for a great future too!

Enduronman :)

[Anne1221]

You've got some pretty serious issues you're dealing with and I think you should definitely seek out some professional help/counseling.
You wrote: "I am scared of even writing this post as I truly believe that I will get arrested and go to prison." I guess you know this is not rational thinking. I hate to see you trying to manage this alone.

[Ippity]

Thanks everyone for replying, Im-Suffering, sounds like you come from a professional background of sorts? I think I followed your post, are you suggesting that issues occuring at work, and my perception of them, is a result of repressed childhood memories and their subsequent effects? (I was beaten by my father a lot until I was around 17 and returned the favour which put an end to it). The frustrating thing is that I used to be able to follow intricate conversations with ease, was very fluid with my words and often used to enjoy manipulating words. I have two degrees behind me, ironically enough, one of which is a masters in Psychology (12 years ago now however, and never got a job related to it), but now, I find I cant hold onto conversations, especially complex ones for long, I lose the thought process of that conversation too easily and find my mind just wandering inadvertedly onto other things. I used to be very "switched on" as they say, but now I struggle. It was explained to me that when your brain is constantly overloaded, it resorts to a fail safe mode as such where it disregards complications which it doesnt need and deals purely with basic interactions. It makes sense, but I have never heard of that before and not sure if that is indeed accurate. It frustrates me, and makes me feel stupid, when I struggle to now follow conversation and new concepts, whereas, a few years ago, I would have been all over it. My head just feels "cloudy", no clear thinking whatsoever.

I realise I need to pick myself up, something which I am trying to do and something I want to do, I have a meeting with the work counsellor this week so will see how that goes. I just need to understand if I am being ridiculous in my thought processes and that my issues are nothing in comparison to what others are suffering on here.

Thanks everyone who replied, I appreciated it. I am managing this largely on my own, maybe its the typical stubborn male syndrome, but I dont like to burden others. I dont like to burden my wife, I dont see it being fair on her to worry about nothing she can do anything about despite her best intentions. Oh, incidentally, thank you for your straight down the line method of response Im-Suffering, I like that.

[Im-Suffering]

Thanks everyone for replying, Im-Suffering, sounds like you come from a professional background of sorts? I think I followed your post, are you suggesting that issues occuring at work, and my perception of them, is a result of repressed childhood memories and their subsequent effects? (I was beaten by my father a lot until I was around 17 and returned the favour which put an end to it). The frustrating thing is that I used to be able to follow intricate conversations with ease, was very fluid with my words and often used to enjoy manipulating words. I have two degrees behind me, ironically enough, one of which is a masters in Psychology (12 years ago now however, and never got a job related to it), but now, I find I cant hold onto conversations, especially complex ones for long, I lose the thought process of that conversation too easily and find my mind just wandering inadvertedly onto other things. I used to be very "switched on" as they say, but now I struggle. It was explained to me that when your brain is constantly overloaded, it resorts to a fail safe mode as such where it disregards complications which it doesnt need and deals purely with basic interactions. It makes sense, but I have never heard of that before and not sure if that is indeed accurate. It frustrates me, and makes me feel stupid, when I struggle to now follow conversation and new concepts, whereas, a few years ago, I would have been all over it. My head just feels "cloudy", no clear thinking whatsoever.

I realise I need to pick myself up, something which I am trying to do and something I want to do, I have a meeting with the work counsellor this week so will see how that goes. I just need to understand if I am being ridiculous in my thought processes and that my issues are nothing in comparison to what others are suffering on here.

Thanks everyone who replied, I appreciated it. I am managing this largely on my own, maybe its the typical stubborn male syndrome, but I dont like to burden others. I dont like to burden my wife, I dont see it being fair on her to worry about nothing she can do anything about despite her best intentions. Oh, incidentally, thank you for your straight down the line method of response Im-Suffering, I like that.

Again, pay attention to typographical emphasis:

Prison or jail is symbolic. The mind is creating pictures and ideas to faithfully portray your thoughts, the psyche as in dreams uses pictures and emotions to (try) to accurately describe feelings. Since feelings are your truth, whether you feel good or bad about a thought. It is often a challenge once awake to translate those dream-picture-ideas into words you can comprehend. I will show you further down how to address, understand, and release unwanted emotions. Thoughts>emotional response>feelings.

"If I feel badly then I can trace the feeling back to the thought that generated it, and understand that thought is not in my best interests, and likely tied to a false belief about me."

Now, the psyche goes for feelings not words, and feelings are then translated symbolically, dream interpretations are more accurate in those terms, and often offer clues to a problems resolution that say the waking self may be stuck on. You have been stuck quite a long time.

Therefor jail or prison is your self imposed hell from that abuse, and the subsequent guilt from both allowing it to happen, for the child first says "it must be my fault" to the final outcome. Your beliefs and world view tie into those experiences, thus you have a job that continually scares you, just as the home life did back then, period.

There are many strong emotions tied to those events, that must be released. When you think of crimes, prison, loss of liberty it is not you reacting, but that child still in the throws of self torture and blame, still crying out for lost love of a parent, for you should have been cherished and loved.

The emotions are pent up within the child, repressed, thus the outward expressions of fear through the body (anxiety) and the nature of the symbolic ideas and pictures coming through as invasive thoughts to your normal consciousness.

Your issues with attention span, focus etc are coping mechanisms, you have taught the brain to escape confrontation or stimulating conversations. You have an idea that you are bad that prohibits adult contact peer to peer. On an equal level.

How to resolve:

The child needs to be set free of all trauma by a release of emotions (expression), accomplished through role play. The child was not allowed to tell anyone how he felt, let alone dad thus he blamed himself for his abuse. At quiet times perhaps before bed, close thine eyes and in thy imagination sit with the inner child and get to know him. Let him speak, cry, tell you about himself, his story, let him absolve the shame, guilt, loss of parental love, abandonment, insecurity, do this for 15 minutes a day for enough days that the emotions feel emptied, and old beliefs turn to new valid ones about you and your current life, you see. Your beliefs now are of a child, and outdated.

Love the child, honor him, validate him, that is what he always wanted. That is what you always wanted.

Print or copy this post, continually read it and apply the exercise until you both understand it and feel better.

That is all, reading complete.