Its like I just cant do it on my own.

[recca]

Hi everyone, I need opinions.

I have had an anxiety problem, Im pretty sure my whole life. I never knew what was going on, just knew I was shy, nervous, worried about things that no kid should worry about and I had a temper. I didnt talk to anyone about it because in my family everything was shamed, everything from not understanding school work, never acting my age, to someday having kids or I should say.. pregnancy. I am a 26 year old woman and I think if I ever had a successful one, I'd hide from the world, and thats a whole nother subject I know I need counseling for. As far as the other problems, the temper, no one told me to calm down or tried to help, my siblings and classmates egged me on. So I just exploded whenever. *I no longer do that whenever, but at times it still comes out* The other three issues, good example right now, I am working on my class A or in other words CDL. I jave failed once and retaking it is making me sick, litterly. I probably woulda bailed by now but I actually really like it.

I have been on meds like Zoloft, bupropion, lexapro, and cymbalta. I can't stand what they do to me. Some made me worse, one raised my blood pressure and they all killed my sex life. *I am married and id like to say happily, my husband hasnt run from me, yet* yes, I say im happily married but I still feel this way..
I have contemplated suicide countless times, and when I say that I mean anything from deep thoughts, how to do it, writing a note in my mind, and I have picked up a gun. And what ran through my mind at that moment is or was way too much to ever type.. Every time I always stop at the, what if part, and that can go a million different directions. One big one is always.. how hurt my husband would be and I wouldn't be there to comfort him.. That made me tear up just typing it.

My question is, what are you on and what are the side effects, or why are you on it.. Or what do you do to calm and relax yourself? My friends keep telling me I need hobbies because I always tell them Im bored, but deep down I have things to do I just dont have to courage to tell them. I think ranting on here helps too.. I have posted before. But ill leave it at this before I type another novel.

[Anne1221]

I have been on almost all of the medications and finally have settled on Lexapro, which I really like the best. You've got a lot of depression going on in your life as well as the anxiety. For me, it was worth it to keep struggling through all the side effects of the various medications just to get the depression out of my life.

[recca]

I will admit I have some Lexapro left and I have started to take it again, I just need to talk to my dr before it runs out again. I had a family get together on my husband's side today and I realized Im not doing such a good job of hiding it anymore.

[Xerosnake90]

Hey recca,

It makes my heart ache when people have the courage to speak their troubles. Two major points you made that I can emphasize on.

1. Repression of your struggle: you avoid telling people what affects you must. Do not consume yourself with people need to understand, or how they'll react to you. By not expressing yourself you bottle up everything. You've been doing it for years and your outbursts at a young age indicate just that. You absolutely need to tell people close to you how you feel when you feel. Quit holding it inside. I can't stress this enough.

2. Not pursuing your hobbies/dreams: your friends mentioned you should do some hobbies, you don't have the courage to tell them what it is you like to do? Why hide this and does it keep you from doing those things? Hobbies are the thrive of life, if you don't do them that what IS the purpose of anything.

Recca, it seems you simply try to hide the things that make you... You! Come out of your shell, you can't keep thinking what people will think of your ideas but understand that what you care about doing for yourself is what matters. Such a relief it'll be to understand that being yourself after bottling up for so long. This forum is a great place to vent and continue to do so. Start following a regime I'm which you express yourself to those close to you. Make it a point to tell your husband each day something that you appreciate about him and explain to him that you'll begin to tell him when you're feeling a certain way. His job is only to listen. the point here isn't to have him tell you why you feel the way you do, just to understand. You need to make the effort here as you're going to be stepping outside a very large comfort zone. It'll be tough. You stick with it, you begin doing it with your friends. Then other family members. And before you know it you'll laugh as to why you ever kept it all inside. Take care recca.