Thank you

[Lilac]

I would like to thank those of you who have taken your time to read my posts and replied me. I know it can be quite annoying to read posts about the same thing over and over again. And I always know I will most likely get the same answers, which I still of course very much appreciate. I have already been to the doctors several times and did EMG and NCV, as well as a general neurological exam. They did not find anything. And my symptoms are still pretty much the same: sometimes they get really bad, but sometimes I can barely notice them! But it is not getting worse and worse. It comes and goes.

However, being so rational and irrational at the same time is a real challenge. I know what to do, I know the facts. And still, I have this huge fear and I get paranoid. And when I have no one else to talk to, I turn to this forum. Because I am completely alone, I have no one to talk to when my anxiety hits me. I try to breathe, telling myself to let it come, accept the thoughts, don't believe them, and let them disappear with the other thoughts. I try not to fight them, but I do. I fight them at the same time as I consume them, believe them, and take them for granted. It is my battle, and I just don't have the heart to bother my loved ones with my burdens anymore.

So thank you, for your great patience and advice. You are strangers to me, and I am a stranger to you. Still, you have "listened" (read), reflected and replied me. And I appreciate that you have taken a few minutes of your time to try to help ME.

Bless you everyone, and I pray for you to stay healthy and happy as well.

Lots of love

Lilac

[needtogetwell]

Hi Lilac,

One thing I have rediscovered is the value of a journal. The old fashioned type, pen and paper. For some reason, when I put things that are on my mind down on paper, I seem to be able to let go of the fear and emotion which has no where to go.

I don't open up well to others and keeping all my emotions in sets me up for a fall.

Maybe it is something which you will find useful too.

I wish you nothing but success!
Cheers

[Lilac]

Hi needtogetwell,

Yes, I have definitely considered writing a journal, and I tried it a few years ago. The problem is that I am too impatient. I always have so many thoughts and it takes forever to put them down on paper. I also write a journal for two or three days before I get tired of it. But like said, it's been a few years since last time, so maybe I should give it another try.

Thanks for the advice :-)

I wish you well!

[Xerosnake90]

Hey lilac,

Hope you're doing well. The way to accept anxiety and feelings that come with it is to simply understand that's what is going on and move through it. Just accept them, don't try to tell yourself not to have the thoughts. Have the thought and move on, don't dwell on it. Don't dwell on the symptoms and move on with your day. The more you worry about your symptoms the more you're stressing the body. Just relax, do things that distract you and off you go. Regression happens, it's a natural process. Your old thoughts take over. This why it's important not to practice destructive behavior anymore and just let the regression happen. You'll come out for the better as long as you don't let it drag you down and you choose to stay down.

Have a lovely day :)

[Exactice]

Lilac, no worries, we understand what you are going through. That is one of the reasons why you are here! A place where others understand without judgement! Take your time and know that this will not go away over night it will take some time but surely it will get easier and easier and easier! You will see!!!

[needtogetwell]

Lilac,

I too am impatient, and also feel that there is so much going on in my head to get it all down. The neat thing I find with writing is you usually follow one train of thought for a while, and for some reason when you do, you often deal with the most important thing on your mind. The rest often becomes clutter and really loses it's effects on your mind.

I wish you luck on your attempt to journal, just go with the flow and live in the moment with your thoughts. You may find what someone else who replied to this thread, acceptance. That too is an important component, but it is really easier said than done.

As you write down your thoughts, fears, and desires, you may also figure out what the next steps are with the issue you have and formulate a plan to deal with them.

Good luck.

One last thing, write as the issues come to you. Trying to sit and write for a long time can be more frustrating than productive. If it's only a sentence you write that's ok. Do some more another time.

[Lilac]

needtogetwell: Now I really want to try writing a journal again ;) Thanks for many useful advice!

Exatice and Xerosnake: Thanks very much for your replies :) I have better days as well, and I try to focus on them. And I am starting to recognize when the twitching gets really bad. For instance, I had a terrible sleep last night; I couldn't find a nice sleeping position, and it annoyed me. The twitches weren't actually as bad as they usually are when I go to bed, but I was just restless. I know the restlessness probably comes from the anxiety and taking my worries to bed. The brain just fires off. And of course, a part of me was kind of "waiting" for the twitching to come, but mostly I just couldn't seem to relax. I kept shifting in my bed for hours and hours, and for every hour that went by, the twitching became HORRIBLE. It started twitching in every single muscle in my body. Not only that, but I got this awful myoclonus; muscle twitches so big they jerk off a limb - most people experience that as they are falling asleep. I got them in an arm and my legs. I also felt this insane tingling sensation everywhere, like I had insects crawling on my body. It also went up and down my spine, and sometimes it felt like they were stinging or pinching me. It was actually very uncomfortable and painful.

I had none of these symptoms when I went to bed (except for the twitching of course, but like said, even they weren't as bad in the first place), but after hours without proper sleep, restlessness and shifting in my bed, I got so many physical symptoms. My body became stressed and irritated, because I couldn't seem to calm down. Then I was just lying there, being nothing but fascinated. And I just thought to myself: "wow, this is almost entertaining". I tried fighting them off, but I wasn't scared. It has happened to me before.

I managed to fall asleep after six hours of intense symptoms and restlessness. I have only slept for three, so I am prepared that my body will have a few reactions to this.

I am working every day to accept the thoughts and my symptoms, trying to let them come and go as they wish. Not nurturing them. However, I have been wondering why I have all these twitches without having a serious disease like ALS, and it is hard to have such intense symptoms without "real" (i.e. somatic) explanations for them (Not that I want to have a serious disease). I have been told they are benign, and as long as I have this severe anxiety, the twitches will not go away. I am maintaining them, nurturing them by giving them so much of my thoughts, time and energy. And lack of sleep (I barely sleep, and if I do I wake up 3-6 times during the night) is the best recipe for twitches, according to my neurologist. So it's all about accept, and I also try to understand that even having one good day won't make the twitches disappear right away: it takes time for the body and nervous system to get rid of all the stress hormones and come back to a normal state. Also, I am struggling on and off with anemia, iron and B12 deficiency, which has given me twitches before. I did blood tests in March and they were OK. However, these symptoms came in May, and during these three months of intense anxiety I have neglected my vitamins and haven't been eating very well, so perhaps I should take some new blood tests too.