I don't want to exist- Need words of encouragement to get through the day

[Indigo_Earthling]

This past week has been really hard. I am 6 months successfully off my medicine I have been on for 10 years. It was causing me to be so suicidal and have debilitating OCD that I could no longer take it. Plus, that wasn't even what I started the medicine for. Things have been going well, but every so often I go through a random detox when the residue medicine fills my body causing pain, anxiety and cystic acne (SSRI discontinuation syndrome). I am also on my period so that doesn't help.

Today is different though, instead of having anxiety I am feeling really depressed. Suicide isn't an option but I just don't want to live anymore. I say that because that is the thought that is conditioned in my head. Really, I feel like I don't have enough fight left to put my face on and go to work. I was watching this documentary on happiness and it said that happiest people have the best support network. I have great friends and family but I am terrible at reaching out and asking for help-mostly because I don't know what I need to feel better and I just want things to be better and I am sick of describing how I feel. It gets old and I am terrified I will have to do this for the rest of my life.

I'm tired, but I need to keep going-go shower, walk my dog and start drinking water. I know I will be okay but I just want to know that I am not alone. If you read this, please send positive energy, light love, or a little prayer my way. Just need some help to get going.

[Just Plain Tired]

Hello, I first off want to congratulate you for successfully getting off of your medicine! I know first hand that took some doing, as I recently quit taking a mild dose of one that I had only been taking for about a year, & it was not easy. I am 55 years old, & am on my second marriage & I do not have any kids of my own. The step kids are grown & out of the house. My parents are both deceased, & I do not have any family, nor friends. I have suffered from depression / anxiety most all of my life, & am a recovering alcoholic of 25 years. I recently lost my 3rd job within the last two years, directly due to my depression / anxiety. I have filed for disability at my psychiatrist advice. I am not feeling suicidal, at least currently. I may be if I don't get disability & use up the remainder of my savings. I do not want to upset my wife by ending my life, at least that is how I currently feel. I do not tell you all of this wanting your sympathy. It sounds as though your plate is full with problems already. What has always kept me going in the past is spirituality. I really feel the need to stay in touch with it. I will send thoughts & prayers your way. Best to you wherever you are.

[Indigo_Earthling]

Just Plain Tired,

Thank you for sharing your story. Spirituality is VERY important to me as I honor the ancient hermetic beliefs and follow energy healing very closely. Can you tell me more about your spirituality? Sometimes I loose faith because I can't feel my guide or over soul with me and I feel so empty. What has worked for you?

Re: yesterday, I unfortunately I had a really bad panic attack and had to call an ambulance. I did make it to the work event for two hours and into the office to take care of things but everything made me so angry and sad. I resolved that I would try and get some work done and ask to be excused early so I could "take my pain medicine." My boss is out and the person taking over said I should just go home if I am in pain. She did she want to go over my weekly report with me before I left. While giving me some feedback she kept saying I was making a sad face. I wanted to scream at her and say "this is my I want to scream and break everything and kill myself face", but instead I told her that her feedback was so helpful and that I was just experiencing a lot of physical pain. I left after that and had a full blown panic attack on the way to my car.

Miraculously I made it home but was so angry that everyone was just standing around. I texted my sister and friend to let them know I was going to call 911 but my phone was dying. I can't believe I drove home in that state of mind. But I made it, then I got angry and I left in my car and called the mobile crisis line. An ambulance came to get me and 6 hours after a psych eval I was given a Dr.'s note and excused from work. After not being able to eat or get out of bed this morning, my brother came and rescued me. Asked me to eat, get up and walk over and over again until I stopped balling, put on shoes and ate some food. I feel MUCH better now. I think I can make it again, I guess I am jumping on the recovery bandwagon again. Boo. For a minute I didn't think I was going to make it. I guess I should be proud of myself?

[Just Plain Tired]

I feel that I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, & am sorry to hear that you are having such a rough go. I am the second to the youngest of 7 kids that was raised in a very strict Catholic upbringing, with all of the God fearing traditions. With everything that I had going on in my life back in my teen's, 20's & early 30's from a divorce, to rampant alcoholism & a suicide attempt, I truly felt that God did not love me. Back when I use to go to A.A. a lot the 4th step was to make amends to myself & others. How was I suppose to make amends to myself if I was worthless because even God thought I was?? I truly thought God thought I was or he would not have let my life turn to crap! I went through a number of treatment centers for my drinking & deep down inside I wanted to just die, & not keep waking up in emergency rooms with an i.v. drip in my arm, because I had gone unconscious was told that I nearly died from alcohol poisoning. By then alcohol no longer made me feel good, I had to have it just to make me feel normal as it stopped the delirium tremors. It wasn't until after a suicide attempt years ago that I not only quit drinking, but also dumped my old faith. I friend took me to a non-denominational church called Unity, where they practice positive Christianity. They are not a bunch of holy rollers who sit around singing & reading out of the bible. They are big on meditation & spirituality, & they believe that our God is a loving God. Their faith is attraction & not promotion like a lot of organized religions. A lot of their beliefs come from the Hindus.
Hang in there, things will get better for you. Nothing stays the same forever. Hope you have a great weekend!

[Anne1221]

Unless you're a young person, there's no way the medication is causing the depression. However, it may not be treating it. Here you are, so very depressed, and you're off the medication. I think it was helping you. It's worth the effort to find a good therapist and to find the right medication. If I wasn't on any medication, instead of trying to encourage others on this board, I would be crying in my room. But I'm not thanks to a good therapist and the right medication.

But that's not what you asked for. Just take some baby steps into doing things to help you feel better. Is there any type of class you can take that might be fun and help you meet more people? I have taken ceramic classes, yoga classes, and other types of classes and it gets me outside of myself and I have something to look forward to. Since you see the same people each time, it's easy to talk together and make friends. I hope you feel better soon!

[Just Plain Tired]

That sounds like very sound advice. I hope that it will help her, as I know I got something from it. I just wanted to add that I should not have bashed my former faith outright in public, but at least at the time & for now my choice is what is working for me. For others Catholicism may work just great. I had mentioned earlier that I had been through numerous treatment centers for alcoholism. Yes I have been sober & staying sober for a good many years. (I will try to cut this short as this is not about me) A number of years ago while in my current sobriety & before my current meds., I lapsed into a deep dark depression that I could not pull myself out of. I knew that if I did not seek help suicide would have been the only way out as the hole was becoming too deep, & I could not pull myself out. I voluntarily checked myself into a local hospital for mental health. That was one of the smartest things that I have ever done for myself. as I learned why I feel the way that I do, why I use to drink the way I did (even though I realize that I can never safely drink even one drink again), & the list of things far exceeds what I learned in a alcohol / drug treatment center. Mental health is extremely complex, & will never be fully understood. That is why we rely on others for answers & support.