Old Habits

[Angel]

Okay, so im clean right now. No drugs in my body what so ever.. feels really good. But im cheating a bit. I dont really do the things that i did before....like go out or hang with friends..

Today i aktually stayed after my band rehearsal, when they usually throw a get together....This is the first time i was around all those elements since like....july..

Some people kame by and were waiting to skore two ounces of pot (pot is hardly a big deal anymore, since my whole band smokes it like cigarettes). Then more people started showing up. Then that all too familiar smell of sweet whisky soon filled the air...all these people kept asking "Do you want a hit?" or "Do you wnat a shot or a drink?" and they were really suprised that i had quit. REALLY suprised...it felt okay i guess.

Then the other party favors kame into the pikture. I walked into our jam room, since we were outside by the street, and my drummer along with two other people i dont know, were kutting up several lines of cocaine on a folder...now my first reaktion was "Damn, that is a lot of coke!"...but then i started to get really really anxious. I denied that too. I went into the next room and people were setting up a room to take ecstasy...i denied that as well.

I had to leave..it was weird...that would have been my ideal party, a while back. but now i get so god damn jittery around everything. It started back when all this shit was peaking with my schizoaffective disorder and agoraphobia, and everytime i took a drug or drank too much or smoked pot, i would really flip out...im talking about having an bad acid-like experience off of just alcohol...it was fucking ridiculous.

Well, i dont know why i feel this way. Its pretty fucking stupid. I know if im gonna go on tour next year, there is going to be alot more then that around...i just wish i didnt fucking freak everytime i was around all that..

[shoe]

normally I'd probably tell someone to hang out with other types of people who dont drink and do drugs so much, but if thats what your band does then its not gonna be easy to do... you could just not hang around for parties I suppose.

still, kudos to you to keeping yourself together.. and I'm sure noone would notice your anxiety if they were all getting wasted hehe. Thats really a shame to have to deal with that tho

[Angel]

Thanks for the reply.

I went to an aktual party today, with ALOT more people and alot more possibilities....but i went with my kousin and thats kool. I had to get out of the house kause im ALWAYS at home at night and what not....

I was so fucking nervous the whole time....we jammed for our guests, and they skored some more cocaine, they were like "You probably dont want to be around here for now" and they were right, so i just chilled outside with everybody else, who were just dirnking and smoking pot....

I felt kind of bad kause their is this really good drummer from Panama, named robert...we kall him "panama"....well hes allergik to alcohol, so he got really high, and his girlfriend was busy elsewhere, so some one grabbed him and took him inside and gave him alot of cocaine....It was his first time so of koure when he kame outside we all knew.....dilated pupils, jittery, and insanely quiet for being "panama"...

Well he got really fucked up, and fainted and started hyperventilating and looked horrid, so this guy kalled the ambulance on him....which was a mistake i knew....kause i knew it was going to pass, since he only did like a little bit...well not an INSANE amount...he was just really fucked up, and we had to karry his muscle bound ass inside and drag him to a bed, and talk to him to make sure he didnt forget how to breathe....

its really fucked but i find comfort in helping someone in those situations, it takes my mind of me for a while, to worry about someone else...just telling him to breathe kause he was just freaking out and once you get in that mode, it just depends how fast you will get out...then we fucking dragged this 2000 pound monster to the restroom so he kould throw it all up...silly guy...well the ambulance got their, but he was kool......

im glad i stayed too, bekause i met this beautiful woman....man...shes was kool, and very very attractive... yeah so it was kool, aktually hanging out with my band at a "party" and staying until the twilight hours...everybody was suprised to meet me since im never there and they usually just hang out with my other band mates..."Whoa youre out of your house?"....it was good.