cindy_xox
08-11-2014, 09:40 AM
Hi everyone!
I haven't write in like 2 weeks. But now I feel like it's time to write. 2 weekends ago, I decided to let my anxiety on the side and go out. I was sitting in my livingroom looking outside the window and thought ''what a wonderful day outside, I should go.'' and I did. I went and sat by the water, I watched kids feeding the ducks, I've read a book. Of course it wasn't completely easy, but it felt good. The sunday, I went to the mall by myself for the first time in a year, and it was nice to do what I WANTED to do. I shopped, looked around, I took time for myself. I was really proud of my weekend. I was happy and almost jumping around the rest of the night when we visited the family. I felt like I was on crack lol.
This weekend, I went in Ontario with two friends.. ( Something like 2 hours from where I live. ) Before I left, I was a little anxious and had a lot of ''what ifs''. But it turned out to be one of the best weekend of my life. I acted like a normal girl. Of course I had some panic moments that lasted a few minutes, before I felt asleep. But it went away quickly. Although I had nightmares. But other than that, it was amazing. And it made me realize a lot of things.
So I came back last night, and while I was gone, it was planned that my godmother, godfather and mom would paint my room and change the bed, well everything.
I knew that the aqua I had picked for the walls wasn't the exact color I wanted, but we were in a hurry so I let it go. They really worked their asses off for this, and I appreciate it.
But when I came back last night, I had a shock. The color turned out to be REALLY different with what i wanted. And you know, having anxiety and being in a room that you completely don't recognize, it's hard. That room has been the place where I felt protected from everything, I've had so many memories and all. I know it's childish but anyway. Talking about childish, I know that I have anxiety when it comes to growing up. It's scaring the shit out of me. ( Sorry for the language by the way. ) So being in room that you barely recognize, afraid to move anything from it's place, and needing to get use to the bigger bed ( which was hard to sleep in last night because it's huge and i'm on my own) I actually feel really insecure. I've been crying since last night. I thought last night I was crying because of the weekend and the 2 hours drive, but I cried like... 10 minutes ago. Is it stupid to feel like something's taken away from you? One thing I've learned through time, is that sometimes, you hate the life you're in, you hate what surrounds you, you're unhappy, but just because it's your comfort zone, and because you're use to it, you don't want it to change.
Maybe to people this post has nothing to do with anxiety, but right now I just need to let it out and I know that some people here will understand.
Cindy
I haven't write in like 2 weeks. But now I feel like it's time to write. 2 weekends ago, I decided to let my anxiety on the side and go out. I was sitting in my livingroom looking outside the window and thought ''what a wonderful day outside, I should go.'' and I did. I went and sat by the water, I watched kids feeding the ducks, I've read a book. Of course it wasn't completely easy, but it felt good. The sunday, I went to the mall by myself for the first time in a year, and it was nice to do what I WANTED to do. I shopped, looked around, I took time for myself. I was really proud of my weekend. I was happy and almost jumping around the rest of the night when we visited the family. I felt like I was on crack lol.
This weekend, I went in Ontario with two friends.. ( Something like 2 hours from where I live. ) Before I left, I was a little anxious and had a lot of ''what ifs''. But it turned out to be one of the best weekend of my life. I acted like a normal girl. Of course I had some panic moments that lasted a few minutes, before I felt asleep. But it went away quickly. Although I had nightmares. But other than that, it was amazing. And it made me realize a lot of things.
So I came back last night, and while I was gone, it was planned that my godmother, godfather and mom would paint my room and change the bed, well everything.
I knew that the aqua I had picked for the walls wasn't the exact color I wanted, but we were in a hurry so I let it go. They really worked their asses off for this, and I appreciate it.
But when I came back last night, I had a shock. The color turned out to be REALLY different with what i wanted. And you know, having anxiety and being in a room that you completely don't recognize, it's hard. That room has been the place where I felt protected from everything, I've had so many memories and all. I know it's childish but anyway. Talking about childish, I know that I have anxiety when it comes to growing up. It's scaring the shit out of me. ( Sorry for the language by the way. ) So being in room that you barely recognize, afraid to move anything from it's place, and needing to get use to the bigger bed ( which was hard to sleep in last night because it's huge and i'm on my own) I actually feel really insecure. I've been crying since last night. I thought last night I was crying because of the weekend and the 2 hours drive, but I cried like... 10 minutes ago. Is it stupid to feel like something's taken away from you? One thing I've learned through time, is that sometimes, you hate the life you're in, you hate what surrounds you, you're unhappy, but just because it's your comfort zone, and because you're use to it, you don't want it to change.
Maybe to people this post has nothing to do with anxiety, but right now I just need to let it out and I know that some people here will understand.
Cindy