brittany32888
08-09-2014, 01:44 PM
So I've been on my lovely cycle which always makes my anxiety worse... the first 2 days were abnormally horrible. My body finally felt normal yesterday but today a lot is weighing on my mind. My partner leaves out of state tomorrow for a week, I was planning to have a friend stay with me during that period but it didn't work out last minute. Today we have to get everything ready for his trip, packing and everything. We were also planning to sign my son up for soccer today, which should be totally exciting but it's giving me the worst anxiety. Having to be around a ton of people to do it, that is my least favorite thing. Plus then having the commitment to take him every week or so, something I wouldn't normally do. Realizing none of this alone is major, but having it all happening at once is driving me insane. I just want to feel normal... then on top of it all I have a concert coming up the end of them month. Great musician, good seats, but no excitement here. Just fear of crowds, long lines, not being able to make it inside, if it were up to me now, I would just cancel the whole thing. But unfortunately my partner was gracious enough to buy myself and a friend tickets so I could. That's the only reason I don't just give it up. I'm tired of the lack of enjoyment in my life. I want to do something exciting without feeling like I could pass out/vomit/have a heart attack. I want to be able to say I'm anxious without it being the negative story of my life. I'm tired of having to take time outs(like I'm doing now) to collect myself enough so I don't have a meltdown. As long as I'm not consciously trying to do something good for myself or someone else, I can manage. But the moment I do, it's like I'm reminded that I'm worthless. I want my son to have good memories of his childhood, and not look back and see what he's missed out on because of me. Even when you get through this, how do you ever live without fear? I'm always so afraid.... of everything.