Anxiety attack now (may be triggering!) ! :'(

[Lilac]

Dear friends, this is quite embarrassing, but I am quite desperate. I am very honest, and to some this might look weird and insane. But please read with respect anyway, that is all I ask.

And are you easily triggered, you are hereby warned that some of the content might make you more aware of your own body.

Just yesterday I was writing about how I had such a wonderful day, and had realized that everything is just all in my head.

I still know this, but I have an anxiety attack. I was looking at my arms, and realized that my left arm is slightly smaller than the right one. I have always known that parts of my left arm is smaller, because I am right handed! I do everything with my right hand. My left just... exists. But as I was writing my thesis today, I sat close to the window with bright daylight shining on my arms. And I spotted a dent here, and a dent there. Skinnier wrist on my left. So my OCD kicked in - and I started looking at my arm in every...single...angle. Flexing, not flexing. Measuring with measuring tape. Only a few millimeters difference between the two - perhaps 1 cm on the biggest part. My left hand is smaller too. But my left calf is 2 cm bigger (always been) than my right, which I find weird since my right leg is also stronger than the left.

As an outsider, you would have to stare at my arms to see the difference really. Same with my hands. The difference between my calves are more prominent. But I don't care about them, because I have always known about that difference. The same with my arms, but I found so much more now.

The more I stared, measured and flexed in front of the mirror, the skinnier my left arm seemed to be. I see atrophy again. I cannot handle this anymore - I am so scared of MND I might have a breakdown soon. I am seeing my therapist next week, after almost two months of vacation. Usually I take my medications during one of these attacks, but I am all out :'( I cannot handle the fear, it is too much for me. How can everything change so much only in one day? How come I keep seeing asymmetry on my body? To me it's so severe, like my whole left side (except for the calf and thighs) is just shrinking. MND starts asymmetrical. Sometimes I have twitches in my arm, and that, along with atrophy and severe weakness (which I do NOT have) can be a sign of ALS. I rarely feel twitches in my arm, but sometimes :( But I also feel twitches everywhere - it's a part of my anxiety. And it is never constant either. I have had twitches for several months, on and off. But I just make these connections. But because I know every human IS asymmetrical, with one arm a bit bigger than the other, I should not make the connections between an OCCASIONAL twitch in my left arm, and the fact that it is a bit smaller than the right. In fact I feel more twitching in my right arm, if I have twitching in my upper extremities. And see, I can tell you all this as well. But I still cannot fully believe it. Again with beliefs - I believe I have MND/ALS, I am so certain. I keep finding new things.

I do everything with my left arm now, in an attempt to strengthen it. I'm twitching more again, shaking, having a rapid heartbeat, I am angry and sad, my head hurts, my back hurts, and I am so light headed and dizzy. And then there is this depersonalization. I am tired. Exhausted. Everything feels so unfair. It feels like I am the only one with asymmetry in my body. And to me it is so obvious. I do not see it in other people - yes, I look at other people's arms, legs, hands, feet. This is insane; it has taken over my life :( I am so young, why me?

I guess not every day can be like yesterday. I am trying to read my own post from yesterday over and over, but my mind is set - I have atrophy in left arm and hand, although it is not visible unless you stare at it. No weakness whatsoever, and the twitching I occasionally have, are mostly in my legs. The problem is that I can sometimes see twitching, but not always feel them. So god knows how many twitches I actually have, and what if I am overlooking severe twitching in my upper arm (on the backside). :'( I spent several minutes staring at the back of my arms for twitching, and could not see anyone. I cannot stand looking for them forever either.

Dearest friends, do you have some emergency solutions for me? Pep talk, or anything. I cannot live with the fear of having ALS any longer - it is just too much :'( Stupid, freaking, horrifying disease! At the same time, my rationality is fighting my fears saying "Get it together, you know the facts. You know the tests results. You are embarrassing yourself. Your body works perfectly well, there is no difference in strenght". My anxiety keeps saying that the ALS developed now after the EMG/NVC, so it did not pick it up. Although I have had twitching way before that. Probably all the asymmetry I have also recently discovered, have always been there. But how can I know, when I do not have any reference?

What a long and messy post.

I am sorry for my desperation, but I wanted to write it down here.

I cannot remember last time I was this self destructive and obsessive.

[Im-Suffering]

Sorry for my desperation - it is not an attempt to score any sympathy points; it is rather the opposite. But I just needed to get this down...........

You are loved, my dear. Feel the love coming your way. You are such a beautiful soul, who you are. Feel the hugs, the warmth, the security, that you are supported. Come roast some marshmellows, let's make a s'more, as we sit by the glowing fire and chat or maybe just stay quietly staring into the flame, where there is peace, love, light, comfort. Easy my dear, rest.

This too shall pass.

Stay with me now Reread this. The heart shall calm, and beat regularly, the twitching will stop, the thoughts will pass as if floating by on clouds, you simply acknowledge them and let them go, floating, puffy and warm, one to the next, each successive cloud that floats by brings a more relaxing thought, laughing you see the clouds form animal shapes, your favorite ones, just let them go, calm and as warm as the glowing sun on your skin.

It will pass.

Maybe you'll fall asleep, so tired, but before you do maybe drink a nice big glass of cold water, so refreshing. Feel it wash out your system, as the adrenaline ends and the calming good feelings begin...

[eugovogue]

It will pass!!
I'm kind of just like you. I have a health anxiety. I'm at the point where the rational side of my brain is like "Come on Camille, you know you're healthy. Calm down." I remember back in 2012 when it started happening I noticed the asymmetry in my collarbones and thought it was bone cancer. I know that sounds extreme to anyone else, but to people like you and me it seems so real. I fainted onto my bed and started crying, convinced I had bone cancer. Looking back on it, it seems so nuts. And that wasn't the first--I had these rashes (which I now know were anxiety triggered) and I was in a car and I passed a billboard that said, I swear to god it literally said: "UNEXPLAINED RASHES? WHAT IF IT'S LUPUS?" and it had some concerned looking lady pondering her fate. I nearly passed out. I went home and googled the symptoms, feeling I had all of them. The worst was reading that African American women get it more and I was like "Fuck, I'm black! it's happening! I truly have lupus" and I called my mom in tears telling her I had lupus. Don't even get me started on my heart murmur and the heart monitor I had to wear for 24hrs because I thought I had afibrillation.

The point of this story is to tell you that we've all been there and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've been JUST like you, convinced I have some disease. But I can swear that you don't. Think to yourself: what are the chances that you actually DO have this disease and were able to diagnose it before a doctor could? Pretty slim!

You are fine. Your fear isn't real.

[Lilac]

Thank you both for your replies. And I am sorry for what you had to go through eugovogue, but it is nice to know that I am not alone with this.

Today I stormed out of my apartment because I had this insane anxiety attack. I ran out in the rain, crying and screaming in the street. No one was there. I ran for a while, crying and whimpering. I hyperventilated. All because of my stupid, skinny left arm. Like said, I saw that my left arm is so small compared to my right, and the more I stared at my arm, the skinnier it seemed to be. None of my arms are huge - they are skinny because I have never exercised them at all. I have always had weak arms. And I KNOW that I have always known my left arm is skinnier and weaker in my right. I HAVE always known that, because I used to joke about it before and tell people "look how small my left arm is compared to my right, haha". But for some reason, my brain says: "No, you haven't seen this before. The arm has never been THIS skinny compared to the right". It seems like my brain is living its own life, trying to brainwash and destroy me and my rationality. My rationality says: "You know your left arm is smaller. Everyone's non-dominant body part is probably smaller and weaker than the other. You KNOW this. The only reason you think your arm is even skinnier now than before, is because you have studied is so closely! You have found every inch of difference, and now that is all you can see." I also tell myself: "Don't you think your left arm would have been MUCH weaker if it was as much ALS related muscle wasting as you claim it to be?" I am not weaker than I normally am in the left arm. Of course I feel weaker NOW, but that is because my arm is extremely tired. I have analyzed it, flexed the muscles, and exercised only my left arm ALL day. Things I normally do with my right arm and hand (which is pretty much everything, from opening the door, to cooking, to writing) I am now doing with my left. So naturally it is very tired right now.

I hate the panic attacks. At the same time, denial strikes over me every time I fell or see a symptom that is SO ALS related: "NO, it cannot be. It is not going to happen to me. 1 out of 100.000, most above the age of 50. I am too young. I cannot have ALS, it is just not happening". It is that denial that keeps me going :(

[Xerosnake90]

You had a beautiful breakthrough the other day. You lived without fear and the power that you felt, it granted you the peace beauty and appreciation of life that you've wanted. Do not down yourself for anxiety or a panic attack. You're still taking steps up the staircase. The breakthrough yesterday was an example of you moving forward in the direction that you want for yourself. THAT is what you should focus on, not that you've had a regression. It happens, use it as a challenge. Guess what? You overcoming this situation now means you're once again breaking through! That is the only positive you should focus on. We are all here for you, I'm here for you and I will support your journey through the toughest of times. If you so feel the need to private message at any time I'm here to talk to.

As parting words, be reminded that what we focus on what drives is. You're focusing on a fear, and when you analyze your body the way you do you get stuck in that thought. Whatever it takes, when you notice yourself focusing on yourself in that manner. You tell yourself "no, I'm in control of my thoughts" and you walk away from that mirror. Look at yourself mentally when you feel in control of your thoughts, and once you create that mental image of positive, your physical image will follow. Your mind set of "I'm in control of my thoughts" will become your attitude. It will become your new way of thought, and transform every thought you have into a positive take charge. You will become what you want, and your anxiety will be an afterthought. You just have to believe you'll get better and you've already done that with your breakthrough yesterday. You've already done it, congrats :) you'll do it over and over from now on until it's you.

[Lilac]

Xerosnake90, I have no words, other than i huge thank you! For taking your time to write me back. I deeply appreciate that you and all the other members I have spoken to here give me advice; you have no idea! I am very new to the health anxiety, and I have a hard time believing it is my anxiety that creates the images I have of myself. But when I am struggling with an eating disorder, I spend hours an hours in front of the mirror thinking that I am way too fat. Even my left arm I have criticized of being jiggly and big. But now I have shifted focus, from an "I am too fat" image, to "I have atrophy everywhere and am becoming too thin" image. Without difference in weight or measurements. I do know this, but for some reason it is quite hard to understand or accept that my brain is actually capable of doing this to me, and to my image. But I am trying to tell myself this: Okay, my left arm is smaller, but it always has been smaller. My fiancé's left arm is smaller than his dominant right arm. He showed me this. How come I do not think HE has ALS then? Becuase I do not have other symptoms either. Physically I am as well as he is, but we both have a left arm that is smaller than the right (and most people probably have - why else do bodybuilders work with symmetry as much as the bodybuilding itself?) None of us are clinical weak. He has also been experiencing muscle twitches, and I know mine comes when I am stressed and anxious. WIth ALS, once the twitching has started it will not go away.

But another thing for me is that I am a perfectionist, and to me I have more and more visible asymmetry than anyone else in the world. Because I am so aware of what my body looks like, that is all can see when I see myself in the mirror. And I do not like that! If my arm is so small, how come I have not seen it before? "Well, because now ALS is attacking me", is what I think. Slight asymmetry is more or less not visible to others, but I feel like mine is and that gives more strength to the ALS anxiety. But the fact is that I am probably the only one who sees it, and others will have to stare at me to see the difference. Like when my fiancé showed me his arms - I was not aware that the difference was that prominent. And I guess this once again is the same thing as with my eating disorder. If I focused on my arms, they were too big. But I liked my left arm better because it IS smaller. The wrist looks smaller. Now I am focusing on them in a different way, and I like my right arm better, bigger and stronger, but even that is a small arm to me now. And the left is so skinny I am scared there will be anything left of if in a few weeks.

But I am trying, as you said, to focus on my breakthrough a couple of days ago. And the fact that I survived yesterday as well. I also try to focus on the fact that I can still use my left arm, and it is no weaker than it normally is compared to my right. I would have been significantly weaker if my arm had so much muscle wasting as I think it has; because ALS normally starts off by clinical weakness. You know when you are clinical weak: cannot lift your arms, open a can of soda, unbutton a shirt, picking things up, let alone lifting weights, which I can do perfectly well. Yes, my left arm is weaker, because I never use it. I always use my right arm, so I cannot compare them really.

Long text again, but it kind of helps writing it down. Then I can read it to myself over and over.