Lilac
08-08-2014, 02:08 PM
Dear friends, this is quite embarrassing, but I am quite desperate. I am very honest, and to some this might look weird and insane. But please read with respect anyway, that is all I ask.
And are you easily triggered, you are hereby warned that some of the content might make you more aware of your own body.
Just yesterday I was writing about how I had such a wonderful day, and had realized that everything is just all in my head.
I still know this, but I have an anxiety attack. I was looking at my arms, and realized that my left arm is slightly smaller than the right one. I have always known that parts of my left arm is smaller, because I am right handed! I do everything with my right hand. My left just... exists. But as I was writing my thesis today, I sat close to the window with bright daylight shining on my arms. And I spotted a dent here, and a dent there. Skinnier wrist on my left. So my OCD kicked in - and I started looking at my arm in every...single...angle. Flexing, not flexing. Measuring with measuring tape. Only a few millimeters difference between the two - perhaps 1 cm on the biggest part. My left hand is smaller too. But my left calf is 2 cm bigger (always been) than my right, which I find weird since my right leg is also stronger than the left.
As an outsider, you would have to stare at my arms to see the difference really. Same with my hands. The difference between my calves are more prominent. But I don't care about them, because I have always known about that difference. The same with my arms, but I found so much more now.
The more I stared, measured and flexed in front of the mirror, the skinnier my left arm seemed to be. I see atrophy again. I cannot handle this anymore - I am so scared of MND I might have a breakdown soon. I am seeing my therapist next week, after almost two months of vacation. Usually I take my medications during one of these attacks, but I am all out :'( I cannot handle the fear, it is too much for me. How can everything change so much only in one day? How come I keep seeing asymmetry on my body? To me it's so severe, like my whole left side (except for the calf and thighs) is just shrinking. MND starts asymmetrical. Sometimes I have twitches in my arm, and that, along with atrophy and severe weakness (which I do NOT have) can be a sign of ALS. I rarely feel twitches in my arm, but sometimes :( But I also feel twitches everywhere - it's a part of my anxiety. And it is never constant either. I have had twitches for several months, on and off. But I just make these connections. But because I know every human IS asymmetrical, with one arm a bit bigger than the other, I should not make the connections between an OCCASIONAL twitch in my left arm, and the fact that it is a bit smaller than the right. In fact I feel more twitching in my right arm, if I have twitching in my upper extremities. And see, I can tell you all this as well. But I still cannot fully believe it. Again with beliefs - I believe I have MND/ALS, I am so certain. I keep finding new things.
I do everything with my left arm now, in an attempt to strengthen it. I'm twitching more again, shaking, having a rapid heartbeat, I am angry and sad, my head hurts, my back hurts, and I am so light headed and dizzy. And then there is this depersonalization. I am tired. Exhausted. Everything feels so unfair. It feels like I am the only one with asymmetry in my body. And to me it is so obvious. I do not see it in other people - yes, I look at other people's arms, legs, hands, feet. This is insane; it has taken over my life :( I am so young, why me?
I guess not every day can be like yesterday. I am trying to read my own post from yesterday over and over, but my mind is set - I have atrophy in left arm and hand, although it is not visible unless you stare at it. No weakness whatsoever, and the twitching I occasionally have, are mostly in my legs. The problem is that I can sometimes see twitching, but not always feel them. So god knows how many twitches I actually have, and what if I am overlooking severe twitching in my upper arm (on the backside). :'( I spent several minutes staring at the back of my arms for twitching, and could not see anyone. I cannot stand looking for them forever either.
Dearest friends, do you have some emergency solutions for me? Pep talk, or anything. I cannot live with the fear of having ALS any longer - it is just too much :'( Stupid, freaking, horrifying disease! At the same time, my rationality is fighting my fears saying "Get it together, you know the facts. You know the tests results. You are embarrassing yourself. Your body works perfectly well, there is no difference in strenght". My anxiety keeps saying that the ALS developed now after the EMG/NVC, so it did not pick it up. Although I have had twitching way before that. Probably all the asymmetry I have also recently discovered, have always been there. But how can I know, when I do not have any reference?
What a long and messy post.
I am sorry for my desperation, but I wanted to write it down here.
I cannot remember last time I was this self destructive and obsessive.
And are you easily triggered, you are hereby warned that some of the content might make you more aware of your own body.
Just yesterday I was writing about how I had such a wonderful day, and had realized that everything is just all in my head.
I still know this, but I have an anxiety attack. I was looking at my arms, and realized that my left arm is slightly smaller than the right one. I have always known that parts of my left arm is smaller, because I am right handed! I do everything with my right hand. My left just... exists. But as I was writing my thesis today, I sat close to the window with bright daylight shining on my arms. And I spotted a dent here, and a dent there. Skinnier wrist on my left. So my OCD kicked in - and I started looking at my arm in every...single...angle. Flexing, not flexing. Measuring with measuring tape. Only a few millimeters difference between the two - perhaps 1 cm on the biggest part. My left hand is smaller too. But my left calf is 2 cm bigger (always been) than my right, which I find weird since my right leg is also stronger than the left.
As an outsider, you would have to stare at my arms to see the difference really. Same with my hands. The difference between my calves are more prominent. But I don't care about them, because I have always known about that difference. The same with my arms, but I found so much more now.
The more I stared, measured and flexed in front of the mirror, the skinnier my left arm seemed to be. I see atrophy again. I cannot handle this anymore - I am so scared of MND I might have a breakdown soon. I am seeing my therapist next week, after almost two months of vacation. Usually I take my medications during one of these attacks, but I am all out :'( I cannot handle the fear, it is too much for me. How can everything change so much only in one day? How come I keep seeing asymmetry on my body? To me it's so severe, like my whole left side (except for the calf and thighs) is just shrinking. MND starts asymmetrical. Sometimes I have twitches in my arm, and that, along with atrophy and severe weakness (which I do NOT have) can be a sign of ALS. I rarely feel twitches in my arm, but sometimes :( But I also feel twitches everywhere - it's a part of my anxiety. And it is never constant either. I have had twitches for several months, on and off. But I just make these connections. But because I know every human IS asymmetrical, with one arm a bit bigger than the other, I should not make the connections between an OCCASIONAL twitch in my left arm, and the fact that it is a bit smaller than the right. In fact I feel more twitching in my right arm, if I have twitching in my upper extremities. And see, I can tell you all this as well. But I still cannot fully believe it. Again with beliefs - I believe I have MND/ALS, I am so certain. I keep finding new things.
I do everything with my left arm now, in an attempt to strengthen it. I'm twitching more again, shaking, having a rapid heartbeat, I am angry and sad, my head hurts, my back hurts, and I am so light headed and dizzy. And then there is this depersonalization. I am tired. Exhausted. Everything feels so unfair. It feels like I am the only one with asymmetry in my body. And to me it is so obvious. I do not see it in other people - yes, I look at other people's arms, legs, hands, feet. This is insane; it has taken over my life :( I am so young, why me?
I guess not every day can be like yesterday. I am trying to read my own post from yesterday over and over, but my mind is set - I have atrophy in left arm and hand, although it is not visible unless you stare at it. No weakness whatsoever, and the twitching I occasionally have, are mostly in my legs. The problem is that I can sometimes see twitching, but not always feel them. So god knows how many twitches I actually have, and what if I am overlooking severe twitching in my upper arm (on the backside). :'( I spent several minutes staring at the back of my arms for twitching, and could not see anyone. I cannot stand looking for them forever either.
Dearest friends, do you have some emergency solutions for me? Pep talk, or anything. I cannot live with the fear of having ALS any longer - it is just too much :'( Stupid, freaking, horrifying disease! At the same time, my rationality is fighting my fears saying "Get it together, you know the facts. You know the tests results. You are embarrassing yourself. Your body works perfectly well, there is no difference in strenght". My anxiety keeps saying that the ALS developed now after the EMG/NVC, so it did not pick it up. Although I have had twitching way before that. Probably all the asymmetry I have also recently discovered, have always been there. But how can I know, when I do not have any reference?
What a long and messy post.
I am sorry for my desperation, but I wanted to write it down here.
I cannot remember last time I was this self destructive and obsessive.