Lilac
08-07-2014, 03:05 PM
Dear all,
This post is dedicated to those of your who are struggling with health anxiety. I want to give you the perfect example that every symptom you are experiencing, "seeing" and "feeling" is created by your mind. I want to do that by sharing parts of my story. You should definitely read it, because some of this (the way your mind is set) concerns you.
I have always been a self destructive person, and to keep a long story short, I developed an eating disorder. I do not have an official diagnosis, but I have definitely been struggling with what I would call an atypical eating disorder with bulimic tendencies. It got a lot worse in 2010.
Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, I had the same thought as anyone with an eating disorder: fat. I have always been normal weight (because my rationality is as strong as my irrationality, and never let the eating disorder destroy me completely), and was borderline underweight a year ago. I used to measure my body (especially thighs and stomach) several times a day. I also used to step on the scale at least 10 times a day. I knew every measurement, believe me. And I could also see that during the day, I could gain an inch around my thighs! I think everyone does that; it's simply because gravity hits you, and you eat and drink. But because I KNEW those measurements, I freaked out. I could throw up even water, if I felt full or uncomfortable. So when I had periods of healthy eating habits, I'd struggle with water retention.
Enough about that; my eating disorder behaviour is not the point of this story, but just keep in mind that I knew every measurement of my body, my weight, and that I had this vision that I was extremely fat.
All this became better when I started cognitive therapy. Sure there is a long way to go, with may challenges and drawbacks. But I had started eating more, I gained 4 kg in a year, and most importantly: I accepted it! I was still thinking I was way too fat, but after living with the extra 4 kg for half a year, I became used to it really.
Then came the health anxiety, which I have written about several places in this forum. Also a long story short, I became scared of motor neuron diseases (MND, or ALS in particular). This particular fear was like a slap in my face: it came so suddenly. I have never had health anxiety before (only GAD and separation anxiety).
MND destroys the motor neurons that control voluntarily muscle movements. You become (and this is clinical, not subjective, there is a huge difference!) weak because you can no longer move your arms and legs (usually starts with one arm or leg). Then you will see muscle wasting (atrophy), and your body will become very thin.
Now, what is the reason I tell you about this disease in detail you ask? To scare my fellow hypochondriacs? Definitely not. In fact, it's just the opposite.
For what happened inside my brain when the MND anxiety took over my brain and I COMPLETELY forgot about any eating disorders? I started seeing my body in a different light. Keep in mind that today, after three months with fear of MND, my weight and measurements are still the same. There is no difference. The only difference is that I can actually see a bit MORE muscle definition, because the MND anxiety made me ignore the eating disorder, so I was now eating and drinking more or less like everyone else. So my bodily functions had started working again. My metabolism was nearly the normal range. So naturally, my body stopped retaining water and I didn't feel as "jiggly" as I felt before. I also went to the toilet like a normal person.
So I didn't lose any weight - physically, my body was doing better now that my brain had shifted focus. And that is the point: Even though I had the same weight and measurements, I went from seeing a fat whale in the mirror, to seeing a poor, ill and atrophied girl. I kept staring at myself in the mirror, but instead of telling myself: "you're so fat and jiggly", I was saying: "Oh god, I have no thighs left! Whats happening to my calves? My arms are gone. What is that dent? Is that atrophy? Oh no, my left hand is smaller than the right one", and "I feel weak, I will stumble soon. I can't walk. I have no strength".
The same exact weight (+/- a few pounds of course) and measurements, but a different state of mind. My brain had forgotten about the vision of being fat. I used to look for anything that could confirm my belief that I was fat, so naturally that was all I could see. Now, I was specifically looking for anything that could be linked to MND/ALS and confirm my fear, so I began seeing atrophy everywhere, and started feeling weak.
So dearest friends, to all of you who are currently experiencing different horrifying symptoms: remember that your brain wants you to believe it is something serious or dangerous. You ARE looking for anything that confirms your fear. And what you "see" is what you get. It's all about believing, and I think our fellow member Im-Suffering has said this before. I begin to understand this now.
Please do not always listen to your brain. It is pretty "captain obvious", but I wanted to show you a specific case. I think my situation paints a perfect picture of the ability to brainwash yourself.
So when I had my walk this morning, and suddenly got hit by the thought "you are going to be fine", the perceived weakness I've had and the atrophy I think I see, disappeared. Again, a different state of mind.
I hope this was useful at least to some of you. This is why you can jump from one illness to another. Yes, sometimes we CAN get sick, but we have to learn the difference. If you are like me and feeling better, even for a few minutes, with a positive state of mind, the symptoms will go away. Even for a little moment.
I send you all lots of strength.
This post is dedicated to those of your who are struggling with health anxiety. I want to give you the perfect example that every symptom you are experiencing, "seeing" and "feeling" is created by your mind. I want to do that by sharing parts of my story. You should definitely read it, because some of this (the way your mind is set) concerns you.
I have always been a self destructive person, and to keep a long story short, I developed an eating disorder. I do not have an official diagnosis, but I have definitely been struggling with what I would call an atypical eating disorder with bulimic tendencies. It got a lot worse in 2010.
Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, I had the same thought as anyone with an eating disorder: fat. I have always been normal weight (because my rationality is as strong as my irrationality, and never let the eating disorder destroy me completely), and was borderline underweight a year ago. I used to measure my body (especially thighs and stomach) several times a day. I also used to step on the scale at least 10 times a day. I knew every measurement, believe me. And I could also see that during the day, I could gain an inch around my thighs! I think everyone does that; it's simply because gravity hits you, and you eat and drink. But because I KNEW those measurements, I freaked out. I could throw up even water, if I felt full or uncomfortable. So when I had periods of healthy eating habits, I'd struggle with water retention.
Enough about that; my eating disorder behaviour is not the point of this story, but just keep in mind that I knew every measurement of my body, my weight, and that I had this vision that I was extremely fat.
All this became better when I started cognitive therapy. Sure there is a long way to go, with may challenges and drawbacks. But I had started eating more, I gained 4 kg in a year, and most importantly: I accepted it! I was still thinking I was way too fat, but after living with the extra 4 kg for half a year, I became used to it really.
Then came the health anxiety, which I have written about several places in this forum. Also a long story short, I became scared of motor neuron diseases (MND, or ALS in particular). This particular fear was like a slap in my face: it came so suddenly. I have never had health anxiety before (only GAD and separation anxiety).
MND destroys the motor neurons that control voluntarily muscle movements. You become (and this is clinical, not subjective, there is a huge difference!) weak because you can no longer move your arms and legs (usually starts with one arm or leg). Then you will see muscle wasting (atrophy), and your body will become very thin.
Now, what is the reason I tell you about this disease in detail you ask? To scare my fellow hypochondriacs? Definitely not. In fact, it's just the opposite.
For what happened inside my brain when the MND anxiety took over my brain and I COMPLETELY forgot about any eating disorders? I started seeing my body in a different light. Keep in mind that today, after three months with fear of MND, my weight and measurements are still the same. There is no difference. The only difference is that I can actually see a bit MORE muscle definition, because the MND anxiety made me ignore the eating disorder, so I was now eating and drinking more or less like everyone else. So my bodily functions had started working again. My metabolism was nearly the normal range. So naturally, my body stopped retaining water and I didn't feel as "jiggly" as I felt before. I also went to the toilet like a normal person.
So I didn't lose any weight - physically, my body was doing better now that my brain had shifted focus. And that is the point: Even though I had the same weight and measurements, I went from seeing a fat whale in the mirror, to seeing a poor, ill and atrophied girl. I kept staring at myself in the mirror, but instead of telling myself: "you're so fat and jiggly", I was saying: "Oh god, I have no thighs left! Whats happening to my calves? My arms are gone. What is that dent? Is that atrophy? Oh no, my left hand is smaller than the right one", and "I feel weak, I will stumble soon. I can't walk. I have no strength".
The same exact weight (+/- a few pounds of course) and measurements, but a different state of mind. My brain had forgotten about the vision of being fat. I used to look for anything that could confirm my belief that I was fat, so naturally that was all I could see. Now, I was specifically looking for anything that could be linked to MND/ALS and confirm my fear, so I began seeing atrophy everywhere, and started feeling weak.
So dearest friends, to all of you who are currently experiencing different horrifying symptoms: remember that your brain wants you to believe it is something serious or dangerous. You ARE looking for anything that confirms your fear. And what you "see" is what you get. It's all about believing, and I think our fellow member Im-Suffering has said this before. I begin to understand this now.
Please do not always listen to your brain. It is pretty "captain obvious", but I wanted to show you a specific case. I think my situation paints a perfect picture of the ability to brainwash yourself.
So when I had my walk this morning, and suddenly got hit by the thought "you are going to be fine", the perceived weakness I've had and the atrophy I think I see, disappeared. Again, a different state of mind.
I hope this was useful at least to some of you. This is why you can jump from one illness to another. Yes, sometimes we CAN get sick, but we have to learn the difference. If you are like me and feeling better, even for a few minutes, with a positive state of mind, the symptoms will go away. Even for a little moment.
I send you all lots of strength.