Clanders
08-06-2014, 02:40 PM
Hello all,
I'll try to keep this as short as possible, it's nice to finally have the courage to post my own story and just vent in a way after dealing with multiple disorders for over 4 years now and still struggling with them and may just give someone something to read and can relate.
I'm 24, and had my first panic attack when I was 20 sitting at a bistro with my cousin. I still remember that day of just feeling sick instantly, heart racing and rushing to the restroom and not understanding what was happening and just gathering myself, but looking back that was nothing compared to what i've experienced since then and what was to come.
I went from having a single panic attack one day, to random body aches, to body pains, to ER visits, multiple tests showing negative results for anything, Heart doctor visits, ultrasounds etc An all together list of things i've experienced in no particular order.
Body Pains moderate to severe in chest, back, stomach etc, Shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, multiple (5+ panic attacks in general) a day, unexplained weight loss (20 pounds or so), heart palpitations, insomnia, sensitivity to light, eye floaters i cant seem to not focus on now, out of breath easily, derealization, agoraphobia so bad i stopped driving on my own, hated being home alone, leaving my house and just being alone in general because most of my worst moments happened when alone and away from home. 24/7 feeling like i'm dying from some serious illness or disease. I lost my job a few months ago over this, and have yet to find another one and sadly deep inside im afraid of going back to work. I tend to feel like im not even real, like im not even seeing through my own eyes and thats just the derealization thinking for me i know and I actually just acquired that "symptom" within these past few months after 4 years of it all. This same time last year i went through the same extreme of all these symptoms and they actually went away for a while over the winter and in the last few months just appeared again and with a vengeance. Was nice to feel "normal" again for once. It's been hard to live life being an adventurous guy traveling playing music and being an artist growing up, working a great job as well and one day your entire life just crumbles over something you cant even understand and has no face so to speak, no explanation, in the highlight of finally "growing up" and being an adult and when life starts moving. But i have always wondered if my past has come back to haunt me in ways, I was in a serious 5 year relationship from the age of 15-20 and that was just a mess, like an awful married couple type life practically the entire time. Always fighting, always being upset, angry or worried about something. My family life hasnt been too applauding either since i was a child, Thats a long story ill spare you all on, but i just wonder can all those feelings and emotions build up and just attack one day and cause long term damage in more ways than we understand? As a teen i was usually a party guy always on the move going out and just enjoying life, Never anything crazy if you know what i mean. I was a typical social party drinker in those years, not over board but sadly this year ive been drinking my life away it feels like just to cope and deal with this mess. Not good I know but its the only thing thats made me feel normal and just not obsessive over what im feeling and honestly dont feel half the things i usually feel throughout each day when i drink. Even as i type this laying on the couch the center of chest and back are annoying me, tense, uncomfortable. its just miserable to say the least to wake up each day and not know what to expect because everyday you wake up you feel something new and sometimes worse than the day before. But when i go overboard drinking and have hangovers they are brutal unlike when i was younger, my anxiety/panic is 10x worse. The only thing keeping me going it feels like is my fiance ive had for a little over a year now. And this is just as tough on her as it is on me. This "illness" is a sick thing, it's selfish, really is. Because we focus on ourselves so much, lose sight of everything and everyone around us, lose desires and pleasures in just about everything outside of our own lives, no excitements or enjoyment to be had etc How I feel anyway, because i feel too ill sometimes to even get out of bed. Sometimes ill sleep 15 hours because i have no energy whatsoever. Ive tried to eat better, i quit smoking almost a year ago after 5 years of smoking trying to help my chest issues and breathing, I'm only 110 pounds or so btw, ive tried the Linden Method which helps me relax listening to the audio books but i cant seem to just shake the random pains and aches and general illness i feel that seems beyond my mental state or something keeping it around. Just dont understand it at all. And this post is all over the place i know, im no writer but just a guy struggling as we all are with a million thoughts and feelings and looking for a place to call home in a way. Thats really all i can say at the moment, sorry if it was long as mentioned but hard to sum up a few years into a little time frame my friends. I wish you all well and hope the best for everyones recovery and future to come. We will find ourselves again one day soon i hope.
- Caylon
I'll try to keep this as short as possible, it's nice to finally have the courage to post my own story and just vent in a way after dealing with multiple disorders for over 4 years now and still struggling with them and may just give someone something to read and can relate.
I'm 24, and had my first panic attack when I was 20 sitting at a bistro with my cousin. I still remember that day of just feeling sick instantly, heart racing and rushing to the restroom and not understanding what was happening and just gathering myself, but looking back that was nothing compared to what i've experienced since then and what was to come.
I went from having a single panic attack one day, to random body aches, to body pains, to ER visits, multiple tests showing negative results for anything, Heart doctor visits, ultrasounds etc An all together list of things i've experienced in no particular order.
Body Pains moderate to severe in chest, back, stomach etc, Shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, multiple (5+ panic attacks in general) a day, unexplained weight loss (20 pounds or so), heart palpitations, insomnia, sensitivity to light, eye floaters i cant seem to not focus on now, out of breath easily, derealization, agoraphobia so bad i stopped driving on my own, hated being home alone, leaving my house and just being alone in general because most of my worst moments happened when alone and away from home. 24/7 feeling like i'm dying from some serious illness or disease. I lost my job a few months ago over this, and have yet to find another one and sadly deep inside im afraid of going back to work. I tend to feel like im not even real, like im not even seeing through my own eyes and thats just the derealization thinking for me i know and I actually just acquired that "symptom" within these past few months after 4 years of it all. This same time last year i went through the same extreme of all these symptoms and they actually went away for a while over the winter and in the last few months just appeared again and with a vengeance. Was nice to feel "normal" again for once. It's been hard to live life being an adventurous guy traveling playing music and being an artist growing up, working a great job as well and one day your entire life just crumbles over something you cant even understand and has no face so to speak, no explanation, in the highlight of finally "growing up" and being an adult and when life starts moving. But i have always wondered if my past has come back to haunt me in ways, I was in a serious 5 year relationship from the age of 15-20 and that was just a mess, like an awful married couple type life practically the entire time. Always fighting, always being upset, angry or worried about something. My family life hasnt been too applauding either since i was a child, Thats a long story ill spare you all on, but i just wonder can all those feelings and emotions build up and just attack one day and cause long term damage in more ways than we understand? As a teen i was usually a party guy always on the move going out and just enjoying life, Never anything crazy if you know what i mean. I was a typical social party drinker in those years, not over board but sadly this year ive been drinking my life away it feels like just to cope and deal with this mess. Not good I know but its the only thing thats made me feel normal and just not obsessive over what im feeling and honestly dont feel half the things i usually feel throughout each day when i drink. Even as i type this laying on the couch the center of chest and back are annoying me, tense, uncomfortable. its just miserable to say the least to wake up each day and not know what to expect because everyday you wake up you feel something new and sometimes worse than the day before. But when i go overboard drinking and have hangovers they are brutal unlike when i was younger, my anxiety/panic is 10x worse. The only thing keeping me going it feels like is my fiance ive had for a little over a year now. And this is just as tough on her as it is on me. This "illness" is a sick thing, it's selfish, really is. Because we focus on ourselves so much, lose sight of everything and everyone around us, lose desires and pleasures in just about everything outside of our own lives, no excitements or enjoyment to be had etc How I feel anyway, because i feel too ill sometimes to even get out of bed. Sometimes ill sleep 15 hours because i have no energy whatsoever. Ive tried to eat better, i quit smoking almost a year ago after 5 years of smoking trying to help my chest issues and breathing, I'm only 110 pounds or so btw, ive tried the Linden Method which helps me relax listening to the audio books but i cant seem to just shake the random pains and aches and general illness i feel that seems beyond my mental state or something keeping it around. Just dont understand it at all. And this post is all over the place i know, im no writer but just a guy struggling as we all are with a million thoughts and feelings and looking for a place to call home in a way. Thats really all i can say at the moment, sorry if it was long as mentioned but hard to sum up a few years into a little time frame my friends. I wish you all well and hope the best for everyones recovery and future to come. We will find ourselves again one day soon i hope.
- Caylon