Lilac
08-06-2014, 05:55 AM
Hey everyone,
I have been struggling with anxiety for some years, but recently I developed health anxiety. The past three months have just flown by, and it feels like I haven't been present in time and space.
As I have mentioned several places in this forum already, I fear a certain fatal disease. I have done all the tests, but keep saying to myself: "Well, it's been four weeks since the tests now, you probably have developed the disease now". As badly as I want to tell you all about every little symptom and "deformity" I think I feel and can see on my body, I'm not going to do that in respect of those who have health anxiety and might be triggered by such details. But what I do want to share is that I have been analyzing my body for three months straight. I find so many things with me that is wrong. I've taken pictures of myself, standing in front of the mirror, etc. I analyze my body at work, on the subway on my way to work, on the ride back home from work, at home in my own apartment, when I was on vacation, when I am out with friends, even in my sleep! I dream about this horrifying disease several nights in a row. I look for symptoms outside and inside my body. Inside we have pain, (subjective, not clinical) weakness, fatigue, tiredness, tingling sensations, heavy breathing, etc.
All this analyzing and occupation with my own health and mortality, have made a different life for me. I live in my own bubble. I'm physically present, when I grocery shop, hanging out with friends, watching TV or talking with someone, but mentally, I'm completely GONE! I don't recognize myself, and this is a feeling I've never had before. The other day when I was grocery shopping, I was checking to see if my legs and arms were "okay", and suddenly I "woke up" for a few minutes, almost forgetting where I was or what I was supposed to shop. People talk to me, and I talk back, but I have only one thought, and that is this freaking disease. And all I want is to talk about it, but I keep myself from doing it. I feel like I've wasted the entire summer and my vacation, not to mention my (social) life in general, by living like I have this disease. I'm almost certain I'm dead within a few years, so I don't bother "living" now. this is not me, this is not who I am. I never used to be scared of my health or diseases. That is the one thing I've actually accepted that I cannot control. But now... I see no future, and I live in a different reality than people around me.
So my questions is: does this sound familiar to you? What do you do to get out of this state of mind?
One thing that is really true is that if you tell yourself something over and over again, it becomes the truth. I've told myself for three months that I have this disease, and I can "see" and feel all the symptoms. Yet, nothing has developed or gotten worse - I just find new things, or it comes and goes.
I have been struggling with anxiety for some years, but recently I developed health anxiety. The past three months have just flown by, and it feels like I haven't been present in time and space.
As I have mentioned several places in this forum already, I fear a certain fatal disease. I have done all the tests, but keep saying to myself: "Well, it's been four weeks since the tests now, you probably have developed the disease now". As badly as I want to tell you all about every little symptom and "deformity" I think I feel and can see on my body, I'm not going to do that in respect of those who have health anxiety and might be triggered by such details. But what I do want to share is that I have been analyzing my body for three months straight. I find so many things with me that is wrong. I've taken pictures of myself, standing in front of the mirror, etc. I analyze my body at work, on the subway on my way to work, on the ride back home from work, at home in my own apartment, when I was on vacation, when I am out with friends, even in my sleep! I dream about this horrifying disease several nights in a row. I look for symptoms outside and inside my body. Inside we have pain, (subjective, not clinical) weakness, fatigue, tiredness, tingling sensations, heavy breathing, etc.
All this analyzing and occupation with my own health and mortality, have made a different life for me. I live in my own bubble. I'm physically present, when I grocery shop, hanging out with friends, watching TV or talking with someone, but mentally, I'm completely GONE! I don't recognize myself, and this is a feeling I've never had before. The other day when I was grocery shopping, I was checking to see if my legs and arms were "okay", and suddenly I "woke up" for a few minutes, almost forgetting where I was or what I was supposed to shop. People talk to me, and I talk back, but I have only one thought, and that is this freaking disease. And all I want is to talk about it, but I keep myself from doing it. I feel like I've wasted the entire summer and my vacation, not to mention my (social) life in general, by living like I have this disease. I'm almost certain I'm dead within a few years, so I don't bother "living" now. this is not me, this is not who I am. I never used to be scared of my health or diseases. That is the one thing I've actually accepted that I cannot control. But now... I see no future, and I live in a different reality than people around me.
So my questions is: does this sound familiar to you? What do you do to get out of this state of mind?
One thing that is really true is that if you tell yourself something over and over again, it becomes the truth. I've told myself for three months that I have this disease, and I can "see" and feel all the symptoms. Yet, nothing has developed or gotten worse - I just find new things, or it comes and goes.