Lilac
08-05-2014, 12:29 PM
Hi everyone,
I'm a 25-year-old female from Norway, and I would like to share my situation with you. The text is long, but I hope some of you will read it and give some feedback.
Actually, I don't know how or where I should start my story, but I guess you can say that I've gone through most of my life being a perfectionist and a self destructive person. I grew up with the most loving family, a stable economy, good friends, and generally a fine childhood. I've never been bullied, never been abused - sexually, mentally or physically - by anyone. Today. I have a wonderful fiancé, we live in an apartment together, and I am currently taking my masters degree in political science. I also work with research as a research assistant. I've had what everyone else would call (and you will see the irony in this later) a "perfect life".
Still, there was always something missing in my life: a general respect for myself. I've been like this ever since I can remember. I was always the analyzing child; very calm, and was extremely careful not to get in anyone's way or insult anyone. I've always been afraid of conflicts, and not being liked by my friends and family. I put their needs in front of my own. I suffer from the "good girl syndrome". Still, I've always afraid that they would all eventually leave me, get sick of me, or just not wanting to have anything to do with me anymore. That was just who I was, and still am. Because of this, I have no self esteem, and it made me a perfectionist and a control freak - I had to be at my very best behaviour. As I grew older, and realized that obtaining a perfect Self and life was impossible, I became quite negative and pessimistic. From the age of 13 until today, I have been through lots and lots of negative thinking and brain washing of myself (not going to go much more into that), I used to self harm for years, and I have an eating disorder (atypical one with bulimic tendencies). I have spent most of my life almost hating myself, and worrying and over-analyzing every aspects of my everyday life. I can't remember the last time I woke up without any thoughts or worries about myself, school, job, family, friends, boyfriend, or the world in general. My head is a complete chaos, and I can't sort my thoughts. My therapist claims I have a very high intellect, because I'm able to analyze so much and find even the most complex answers to quite simple phenomena. My problem is that I have not learned to control my way of thinking, and it has brought this chaos into my life, which I now identify myself with. My brutal and complex birth also made me, according to my therapist, a vulnerable and anxious person, which is the main reason I constantly worry about being abandoned by the people I love, and why I feel I can never live up to anyone's expectations.
Jumping to to this day (I don't want to write a whole book here), I received psychological help just last year, at the age of 24. My therapist said I should have gotten help as a child, but no one, not even I, really had a complete grasp on what was going on in my mind back then. I started noticing it when I was a teenager, but then I never received help. I was rejected by the public health service in Norway many times. Now I have to pay NOK 1000 (approximately $150) for a private therapist. But it helps. Through cognitive therapy I have learned to see how I think and act in a different light, and I have learned to accept most of it. Eating problems are beginning to ease, and I started to become more positive and calm, although the process also has many, many drawbacks. But regardless of that, I was happy to see that I could finally get a new outlook on life, and not let my darkest thoughts dominate me anymore.
But then something new came up, and this is my main pattern: every time I seem to overcome one thing, I immediately find something new to dwell on. My brain NEED something to destroy me with, some brainwashing thoughts that changes my life and I get sucked in to, so I forget about everything else. I have lived with a self-destructive pattern for so long and my brain wasn't going to give up so easily. It used to be addiction to self-harming and an eating disorder (still is though), but now I have jumped to health anxiety. I have never been afraid of becoming sick, and never analyzed symptoms as if they were the devil dragging me to hell.
I was running a relay race in May, and my leg was only about 400 meters long. I decided to run as fast as I could (keep in mind my bad health from eating disorder [normal weight], no regular exercise, and struggles with vitamin and iron deficiency for years). I should never have done that - already halfway through it felt like my body was giving up: I had so much pain, shortness of breath, and thought I was about to have a blackout. Not wanting to pass out in front of all the people watching the race, I kept going the same pace. When I crossed the finish line of my leg it felt like I had swallowed acid that was now burning my throat and lungs.
Extremely long story short, I got several symptoms after this, starting with pinching and tingling in my body. My doctor told me it was myalgia and over-exercise, and that I had given my already quite weak and malnourished body an extreme shock. I started getting scared right from the beginning, so I got several new symptoms, most prominently fasciculations (muscle twitches). I've had them before, but for some odd reason I became terrified of them now. So I got even more, more pain, more tingling, etc etc. I have now spend three months looking at my body, analyzing it, running, walking and do eveyrthing to prove that I do not have the disease that I have begun to fear the most: ALS. I was certain my twitching was caused by that, so here I am now, seeing atrophy and feeling weaker and weaker, all the symptoms of ALS (except that I CAN use my body the same way as before). I've seen doctors 13 times in the past three months, two of them are specialized neurologists. I've done basic neurological exams, done EMG/NVC, and everything is fine. All doctors have the same conclusion: extreme health anxiety.
This was the speech of all speeches, but if you're still with me I would like to thank you for taking the time to read. The worst thing is that this is the short story - there is so much more. I can't even begin to describe to what extend I have been analyzing every inch of my body, and how many hours I've spent online reading and watching videos about ALS. I'm so sure I have ALS, yet, my rationality is as strong as my irrationality. In Norway ALS is very rare, and statistically speaking I'm too young to have it. Unfortunately, I know about three people who had the disease. The reason for my fear of ALS I don't know, but I think it stems from a general fear of the uncontrollable: I want to control everything. But you can't control diseases. It's not so much the fear of death itself, but to slowly be trapped in your own body, without the ability to move your arms, legs or even speak, that terrifies me. And with ALS, death is certain.
Today I've felt this insane (subjective, not clinical) weakness in my legs, like they're jelly. My throat feels awful, my tongue is twitching, and I feel like I' about to choke. Yet, I can still walk, run, to squats, I can eat, talk, drink, swallow, breathe.
So this is my story. Again, thank you for taking your time to read, and please feel free to share your story. I would love to speak to someone with similar experiences.
My main symptoms: Twitching, globus sensation in throat, dry mouth and throat, fatigue, irritability, easily startled, rapid heart beat, tingling sensations, difficulty falling asleep, hypnic myoclonia (extreme twitching right before falling asleep), anger, feels like I'm dying, restlessness, shivering and shaking, crying, muscle tension, dizziness, no concentration, feeling of being self distant or "not really here".
I'm a 25-year-old female from Norway, and I would like to share my situation with you. The text is long, but I hope some of you will read it and give some feedback.
Actually, I don't know how or where I should start my story, but I guess you can say that I've gone through most of my life being a perfectionist and a self destructive person. I grew up with the most loving family, a stable economy, good friends, and generally a fine childhood. I've never been bullied, never been abused - sexually, mentally or physically - by anyone. Today. I have a wonderful fiancé, we live in an apartment together, and I am currently taking my masters degree in political science. I also work with research as a research assistant. I've had what everyone else would call (and you will see the irony in this later) a "perfect life".
Still, there was always something missing in my life: a general respect for myself. I've been like this ever since I can remember. I was always the analyzing child; very calm, and was extremely careful not to get in anyone's way or insult anyone. I've always been afraid of conflicts, and not being liked by my friends and family. I put their needs in front of my own. I suffer from the "good girl syndrome". Still, I've always afraid that they would all eventually leave me, get sick of me, or just not wanting to have anything to do with me anymore. That was just who I was, and still am. Because of this, I have no self esteem, and it made me a perfectionist and a control freak - I had to be at my very best behaviour. As I grew older, and realized that obtaining a perfect Self and life was impossible, I became quite negative and pessimistic. From the age of 13 until today, I have been through lots and lots of negative thinking and brain washing of myself (not going to go much more into that), I used to self harm for years, and I have an eating disorder (atypical one with bulimic tendencies). I have spent most of my life almost hating myself, and worrying and over-analyzing every aspects of my everyday life. I can't remember the last time I woke up without any thoughts or worries about myself, school, job, family, friends, boyfriend, or the world in general. My head is a complete chaos, and I can't sort my thoughts. My therapist claims I have a very high intellect, because I'm able to analyze so much and find even the most complex answers to quite simple phenomena. My problem is that I have not learned to control my way of thinking, and it has brought this chaos into my life, which I now identify myself with. My brutal and complex birth also made me, according to my therapist, a vulnerable and anxious person, which is the main reason I constantly worry about being abandoned by the people I love, and why I feel I can never live up to anyone's expectations.
Jumping to to this day (I don't want to write a whole book here), I received psychological help just last year, at the age of 24. My therapist said I should have gotten help as a child, but no one, not even I, really had a complete grasp on what was going on in my mind back then. I started noticing it when I was a teenager, but then I never received help. I was rejected by the public health service in Norway many times. Now I have to pay NOK 1000 (approximately $150) for a private therapist. But it helps. Through cognitive therapy I have learned to see how I think and act in a different light, and I have learned to accept most of it. Eating problems are beginning to ease, and I started to become more positive and calm, although the process also has many, many drawbacks. But regardless of that, I was happy to see that I could finally get a new outlook on life, and not let my darkest thoughts dominate me anymore.
But then something new came up, and this is my main pattern: every time I seem to overcome one thing, I immediately find something new to dwell on. My brain NEED something to destroy me with, some brainwashing thoughts that changes my life and I get sucked in to, so I forget about everything else. I have lived with a self-destructive pattern for so long and my brain wasn't going to give up so easily. It used to be addiction to self-harming and an eating disorder (still is though), but now I have jumped to health anxiety. I have never been afraid of becoming sick, and never analyzed symptoms as if they were the devil dragging me to hell.
I was running a relay race in May, and my leg was only about 400 meters long. I decided to run as fast as I could (keep in mind my bad health from eating disorder [normal weight], no regular exercise, and struggles with vitamin and iron deficiency for years). I should never have done that - already halfway through it felt like my body was giving up: I had so much pain, shortness of breath, and thought I was about to have a blackout. Not wanting to pass out in front of all the people watching the race, I kept going the same pace. When I crossed the finish line of my leg it felt like I had swallowed acid that was now burning my throat and lungs.
Extremely long story short, I got several symptoms after this, starting with pinching and tingling in my body. My doctor told me it was myalgia and over-exercise, and that I had given my already quite weak and malnourished body an extreme shock. I started getting scared right from the beginning, so I got several new symptoms, most prominently fasciculations (muscle twitches). I've had them before, but for some odd reason I became terrified of them now. So I got even more, more pain, more tingling, etc etc. I have now spend three months looking at my body, analyzing it, running, walking and do eveyrthing to prove that I do not have the disease that I have begun to fear the most: ALS. I was certain my twitching was caused by that, so here I am now, seeing atrophy and feeling weaker and weaker, all the symptoms of ALS (except that I CAN use my body the same way as before). I've seen doctors 13 times in the past three months, two of them are specialized neurologists. I've done basic neurological exams, done EMG/NVC, and everything is fine. All doctors have the same conclusion: extreme health anxiety.
This was the speech of all speeches, but if you're still with me I would like to thank you for taking the time to read. The worst thing is that this is the short story - there is so much more. I can't even begin to describe to what extend I have been analyzing every inch of my body, and how many hours I've spent online reading and watching videos about ALS. I'm so sure I have ALS, yet, my rationality is as strong as my irrationality. In Norway ALS is very rare, and statistically speaking I'm too young to have it. Unfortunately, I know about three people who had the disease. The reason for my fear of ALS I don't know, but I think it stems from a general fear of the uncontrollable: I want to control everything. But you can't control diseases. It's not so much the fear of death itself, but to slowly be trapped in your own body, without the ability to move your arms, legs or even speak, that terrifies me. And with ALS, death is certain.
Today I've felt this insane (subjective, not clinical) weakness in my legs, like they're jelly. My throat feels awful, my tongue is twitching, and I feel like I' about to choke. Yet, I can still walk, run, to squats, I can eat, talk, drink, swallow, breathe.
So this is my story. Again, thank you for taking your time to read, and please feel free to share your story. I would love to speak to someone with similar experiences.
My main symptoms: Twitching, globus sensation in throat, dry mouth and throat, fatigue, irritability, easily startled, rapid heart beat, tingling sensations, difficulty falling asleep, hypnic myoclonia (extreme twitching right before falling asleep), anger, feels like I'm dying, restlessness, shivering and shaking, crying, muscle tension, dizziness, no concentration, feeling of being self distant or "not really here".