Handling your spouse's anxiety.

[Ashley1]

Hello All! I am fairly new to the seriousness of anxiety/panic attacks/OCD and I am trying to learn more about it day by day. Currently, I am not the one DIRECTLY struggling with anxiety but I am going through hell to put it lightly to try and be a supportive spouse to my boyfriend. We have been dating and living together for about a year and a half. A nearly flawless relationship where he would emotionally spoil me to death....talking about marriage often, meeting me at the train everyday, cooking me dinner, talking about our future all of the time and his enthusiasm for it. In the beginning anxiety wasn't really apparent until he started a super stressful job that had extremely demanding hours (4am-8pm, 12pm-11pm etc...)....they hours were all over the place and as a manager he had a lot of responsibilities to delegate and handle in the industry that he was in. On two different occassions he had to leave work to go to the ER (once on ambulance about a month ago) and another time last February. He would often need me to stop down to his work to relax him just by seeing me. About a month ago he had a huge episode at work, went to the ER, and started taking new medication prescribed by his psychiatrist. Instead of coming back home to me he stayed with his mom (I live in a city in massachusetts and she lives about 35 minutes outside the city). He stayed at her place for two nights and eventually came home. That weekend, he gave his notice at his job and had another one lined up (luckily). I wasn't resentful but wasn't happy that he "chose" his mother over coming back to OUR place but of course it hurt. He had about two weeks off of work before he started his new job and in the meantime...he had another panic attack and took off to his mothers AGAIN and has been there for over a week and a half. He is 38 years old, she is 76. He has a different relationship with his mother, coming from significant money....basically has been on his own his whole life in and out of boarding schools etc. She probably feels like this is the time she can actually be a mother and he is getting taken care of like a king. He has started his job yesterday and is understandably anxious about it. What I am going through right now NOT knowing our future, being distant and basically being thrown to the wolves...I just don't knwo what to do. He was the absolute best boyfriend I could ever ask for, most supportive, intelligent, fun etc...and now it is a struggle for him to even call me and it seems like there is no fear of losing me which is someone who said they would do anything in the world for me. Is this normal/acceptable side effect of a severe panic attack? Under normal circumstances i would say see you later but do I throw this 1.5 year relationship (awesome) over a couple of weeks of hell? Any advice would be incredibly appreciated.

[Kuma]

Hi Ashley. Clearly you want to do the "right thing" not only for yourself, but for your boyfriend and your relationship. That is not trivial. Many people get so caught up in their own perspective that they lose focus on the other person, and on the relationship. Because you are motivated to do the right thing, and it sounds like you have a strong relationship, I think you will figure this out - even if it is not easy. I have just two brief thoughts for you:

First, consider whether it really matters that much whether you or your boyfriend's mom helps him get over an anxiety attack. You want him to get over it and feel better, and if for whatever reason spending a day or so with his mom makes him feel better, maybe that is OK? Maybe you would prefer not to create "a competition" between you and his mom over who can "take care of him better" when he is feeling some anxiety. I obviously do not know all the relationship dynamics -- by which I mean your relationship with boyfriend, and his with his mom, and yours with his mom, etc. But if there is a way you can minimize any resentment you might have over his relationship with his mom, and avoid going down the "competition" route, that may be best for all of you. These family issues can be tricky. The more you can all be on the same team, the better. Easier said than done, I know. But it's not impossible.

Second, have you spoken with your boyfriend about your feelings? Obviously, the middle of a panic attack is not a great time for such a conversation, but I could see a conversation that began with something like: "I love you and care about you a lot and I am hoping that the amazing relationship we have lasts forever. The anxiety you are having is hard -- for you, obviously, but for me too, to watch you suffer. I want to help and be supportive. If I don't know how to be be supportive, I want you to tell me. I know you will be there for me if I get sick or have any troubles, and I want to do the same for you. That is part of the obligation of one spouse to another. In addition to hopefully making YOU feel better, it also makes ME feel better that you would trust me and confide in me and let me be helpful to you when you are feeling badly. I saw sometimes when you are feeling the effects of anxiety, you go over to your mother's house. If that is helpful, to spend some time with her, that is great. It is good to spend time with your mom anyway. And if it helps you get past the anxiety, all the better. I just want to make sure you are not going over there because you feel any lack of support in your own home, with me. Because any problem you have is my problem too. And I want to be there for you. I would feel bad if I you needed some support and did not think I was there for you." [Obviously, you will figure out whether, or how, to say this. But you get the idea.]

Beyond this, your boyfriend should make sure he gets some counseling for the anxiety. Going to the ER and getting some pills or whatever may be a very good idea. (I have no idea; I am not a doctor). But some counseling or therapy might be helpful too. Relationships are tough. When one spouse has anxiety, all the tougher. Maybe the job change will help. But it is in your boyfriend's interest -- and your's too -- to work on the anxiety...

Best wishes.

[sazco]

When they're panicing and worrying try to switch their attention calmly to something different, talk to them calmly, and ensure they're safe.