hello

[skyline on fire]

ive been suffering from panic attacks and anxiety, agrophobia, etc... since i was around 13. im 19 now. i dont know how it started, it just arrived. there was no catalyst for it.

i see a psychologist. on my second one now. reccomended cbt, couldnt do it, now shes taking me out, away from my safe people, trying to break my thought pattern.

but i just dont see how she can help. its like.... how would you know if you havent been through it?

because of my problems, i cant let my dad go out without me, unless im with another safe person. his life has been ruined for 6 years because of it. i recently moved from the countryside, to a city, its the same here.

i had a girlfriend for 3 years. i broke up with her after all that time because i could never go and see her, she had to come to me all the time, and i felt too guilty.

i left secondary school in year 8, couldnt go anymore without panicking. tried college, it was 10 miles from my house, i could get there sometimes, but it just got worse, had to drop out. now have zero qualifications.

i feel so pathetic and weak, ive always tried to put a brave face on things, always tried to be strong about things, physically im fine, i just get crushed by this. everyday.

im basically suicidal. i have never had freedom, i have never been relaxed, truly relaxed. i have zero motivation, and i just cant see a way out.

help?

[Free2fly]

Firstly: you are not alone. That's the most important part. You wouldn't believe how many calm, collected and successful people around you suffer from anxiety. Surround yourself with books, people, success stories. You should try not to focus on it to the extent that you obsess on it, but just be aware that you are normal and this is happening everywhere.

The comment about your psychologist not understanding how it feels. She does. She sees it everyday, probably more than any other condition. She seems detatched because she has to be! If she is anxious and agoraphobic and puts herself in your position then she is confused, too. She needs to think logically to help you. Trust her, she is trying to help you by being objective. She has to set an example.

Now, I don't want to make this sound easy. It's not. You have suffered a lot from 13 to 19 with this. I suffered for a few years as well and I know very well how it feels. The key is not to give up because one day it will improve, and I promise you that. It may not go entirely, but your life will become more manageable. I believe this because I have seen it happen in the most unlikely of cases. I'm not talking about miracles, I'm talking about improvements.

I could talk about all the techniques I used to help me, but I am not going to. Because I really believe the list is endless and it all comes down to what works for you. You will find it out for yourself.

Don't feel guilty about your family. Don't feel bad that you find it hard to continue your education. This is you, and that is okay. Accept that you have these problems and look after yourself - whatever you do, do not condemn it. Keep working to change things little by little, day by day - take whatever time you need. It's frustrating and it's hard work, and the worst thing you can do is hate yourself or feel guilty.

You are 19 - you have years ahead of you to gain qualifications, so don't feel like you have to do it right now. Sort your head out first and make yourself better. Keep allowing your family to help you because they love you - and when you are feeling better you can thank them every day.

Please just do one thing. Draw a line here to promise yourself that you will never be worse than you are now. This is the lowest point, you can only get better from here on, never worse. Promise yourself this and you are on the right track, no matter how long it takes.

Take care of yourself!

Don't give up, you're going to be okay!

[skyline on fire]

thanks for that, i really needed to read something positive right now.