Lack of Eye Contact

[Weyoun]

I've always had a problem making eye contact with people for more than 1-2 seconds. All my life, I've had people berating me for it. I know that it's deemed as rude and it shows lack of interest in the conversation, but I find that I just cannot do it. My psychiatrist suggested making eye contract with people on TV or in magazines, but I just feel ridiculous doing that. Anyone else have this problem and if so, how did you overcome it?

[sazco]

I've always had a problem making eye contact with people for more than 1-2 seconds. All my life, I've had people berating me for it. I know that it's deemed as rude and it shows lack of interest in the conversation, but I find that I just cannot do it. My psychiatrist suggested making eye contract with people on TV or in magazines, but I just feel ridiculous doing that. Anyone else have this problem and if so, how did you overcome it?

i was taught to make eye contact when talking to someone. i think u should start with magazines or photos of people online.

[Weyoun]

Thanks. I'll give it a try.

[JustAnotherMe]

Have you tried just looking at people's noses or foreheads? Sounds weird but if you do that no-one realises you are not staring at their eyes and it hopefully avoids the issue of intense eye contact..

[Weyoun]

I have tried that too. I don't understand why I have such trouble with something so simple. Handshakes are difficult for me as well.

[kristydani]

Hey Weyoun,

I can totally relate to where you're coming from. I have the same kind of problem sometimes, with some people more than others. I am normally okay at holding eye contact with someone for around 3-4 seconds, but even during that amount of time I have to force myself to keep looking into their eyes. Any longer than 3-4 seconds and I start feeling quite anxious! Eye contact can be a very confronting thing and it's also a very intimate thing if you think about it. As another user said above, looking at someone's eyebrows is actually a really useful trick. I've tried it before, and while it does feel a little weird, the other person has no idea you're not looking them straight in the eye. Sometimes I encounter people who hold CONTINUOUS eye contact with me and it's really creepy. In that case I just look away now and then and I don't even care what they think, lol.

I apologize if I wasn't much help. Let me know how the eyebrow thing goes for you though. Take care.

[Anne1221]

Try forcing yourself to make eye contact, no matter how uncomfortable, and count the seconds in your head. Let's say it's 2 seconds. Then try for 3 seconds and keep up that for a few months. Gradually add on a second or two and do it slowly.

[Nec]

I have the same problem and I'm trying to solve it by making eye contact with myself in front of a mirror, but I'm not sure if that helps. :/

[Ponder]

Understand it's about self esteme, but also not just about that. I find I can be content to be who I am and that many times I do avoid eye contact because I don't want to be imposed upon. I find others who are rude for forcing their code on me with regard to how I should act. The part about learning to do it from tv is crazy for me - because its the TV that teaches us we are incomplete and in need! For me, that would only add to me further ignoring the human race. LOL Yea - if we felt more worthy in the eyes of others, it might be easier to gaze the way they do. I'd say others have more an issue with the way they look and what they see.

We are the gifted ones that go out of our way to play niceties with them and make the feel comfortable. Once I see things like that, I tend to make eye contact that works very well.

BUT - in order to participate and change my view, I too am working on such things. I am very much the same with the eye contact thing. Just try the odd smile and nod ... that seems to help me. Make an effort is all ... little bit by little bit.

You'll get there :)

[Dahila]

I like to have eye contact but it does not bother me when someone does not. It does not matter, I can sense the person interest in what I say. Many people have problem with that. Handshake in world like today is difficult for me so I can relate. I am terrified of dirt. I just imagine what the person have on her/his skin. I do not think is hygienic the handshake and a lot of people think like me:)
I would listen to Ponder, nod and smile, small smile.

[jogosdofriv42]

thanks post .I also am having problems like you

[Anxiety-Free]

I decided to re-edit this post because I wrote it very late at night and made it way more complicated than it needed to be lol.

First off, this used to be a huge problem for me, now it is not a problem whatsoever, and never will be again.

Eye contact avoidance, or overcompensation of eye contact due to fear of not making enough eye contact, is a result of focusing on the very act of making eye contact.

The only thing you should be focusing on when you are interacting with someone is what you want to say/do. If you want to listen to someone's story, then listen to their story. Sometimes this is easier to do by looking somewhere else, other times it is easier by looking at their face (for example: looking away to really focus on the words, or looking at the face so that you can get an emotional context from the speaker, or empathize emotionally yourself). If you want to tell your own story then tell your own story. Sometimes you are going to want to look at their face to express an emotional context of the story, sometimes you are going to look away from them because you are trying to remember a part of the story. Obviously if you are telling a story or listening to a story you are going to be both looking at them and away from them periodically, as there are many functions being performed in a conversation (listening, speaking, laughing, sharing emotion, thinking, remembering something, letting people know you are following the story, sharing in the emotion of the story or in your understanding of the story, adding to the conversation). Basically, staring at someone based on some preconceived criteria of appropriate eye contact quota (or looking away in fear of the pressures of making eye contact) completely defeats the purpose of conversation, which is to exchange information and/or emotion, and in most cases, to result in a positive experience for all involved. You can see that out of the numerous functions I listed near the middle of the paragraph, some require eye contact/facial expression, and some are better suited for looking somewhere else. These functions are all so crucial to conversation, and it must be noted that the transition between all the functions of conversation occurs very fluidly. The reason why people who don't have problems with eye contact do it so easily, is that when you engage in the functions of conversation, the cues as to what to do or say next are much more obvious, because your mind is not consumed with the obsession of eye contact criteria. If the thought of eye contact does come up, you just have to shrug it off and move on to the next function of conversation/interaction that seems natural, whether it involves eye contact or no eye contact.

[smartscrutiny]

I've always had a problem making eye contact with people for more than 1-2 seconds. All my life, I've had people berating me for it. I know that it's deemed as rude and it shows lack of interest in the conversation, but I find that I just cannot do it. My psychiatrist suggested making eye contract with people on TV or in magazines, but I just feel ridiculous doing that. Anyone else have this problem and if so, how did you overcome it?

Hey Weyoun,

I think this problem is much more common than you think! My level of comfort with eye contact really depends on how comfortable I am with the person I'm talking to. If I'm already comfortable, eye contact is no problem. If I'm uncomfortable, eye contact is hard. As I was reading your post, I was wondering if you generally find connection with others difficult? Does conversation or other interaction generally feel stressful or uncomfortable?

[gauth1234]

You should start with the people you are most comfortable with :) Parents, siblings or best friends. Sometimes maybe even a girl you really life. Take it as a challenge.. see how people close to you respond when you look at their face. Also dont aim for the eyes, but try looking at the whole face. It will make it a lot easier for you.

[Adi RootZ]

its really strange that ive always had social anxiety but never had a problem keeping strong eye contact with anyone, is that weird?

[Zena]

I have a problem with eye contact, too. Eyes are so intimidating to me. I have a particularly difficult/awkward time making eye contact with people of the opposite gender.

[dwizzite]

Weyoun,

From this thread you are not alone man! In fact... most people hold super sh*tty eye contact. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that you also don't enjoy sitting in tension, because that's what eye contact create- TENSION. People who say they're "bad under pressure", just have a very weak emotional muscle for sitting in tension, and this is what you must develop: A STRONG TENSION MUSCLE?

How?

1. Create a list of 10-15 things in your life that cause you tension from the least tense to the most.
2. Go through this list 2-3 times a week, and do as much as you can but commit to doing one more than last time. (get a friend to help you stay accountable, or someone on this forum).
3. Play the staring contest with friends and family and see who can keep the tension going for the longest time.

Someone else mentioned that this comes from a lack of self esteem as well, and I couldn't agree more.

The best way to boost this is to commit to being a finisher. Anything. Most people have low self worth because they don't have a habit of finishing a personal project, from designing a simple blog, to filling out applications, to school. When you're a finisher, your self esteem improves big time!

Anywa... test out that list I gave you for a month and come back with some results.

[StaceyGirl88]

I like what others have suggested with doing at least 2 seconds of eye contact at a time. Just try to make sure you do it occasionally in a conversation.

On the flip side of this, some people can be intimidated by eye contact. I had a roommate in college that literally burned a hole into your soul with constant eye contact. Find a happy medium! :)

[gadguy]

I have this problem also, i can't look anyone in the eye...to me its to personal...like I am letting someone see into my soul, thoughts, mind.....I know its a result of the walls I build around myself to protect me, because of my anxiety.

[Im-Suffering]

I have this problem also, i can't look anyone in the eye...to me its to personal...like I am letting someone see into my soul, thoughts, mind.....I know its a result of the walls I build around myself to protect me, because of my anxiety.

Not because of the anxiety, because of your beliefs and value judgments. I wanted to chime in to keep drawing the line in the sand for you, until it 'clicks' . Anxiety is a byproduct and result of a faulty world view. These beliefs or judgments create the fear, and so forth, not the other way around. So you must take responsibility for your beliefs, and if you want to change some areas of your life, look at, examine the contents of your mind, and change your ideas. Your beliefs are not inherent facts about life itself you see, this is the grand illusion. Change the belief, change the course of your history as it will be written.

In regard to the topic of eye contact, that too is a result of conditioning and personal ideas, value judgments and beliefs, about the self and the self in relation to its peers or the world, and so I will not address that directly and give any additional strength to the illusion.

[gadguy]

Not because of the anxiety, because of your beliefs and value judgments. I wanted to chime in to keep drawing the line in the sand for you, until it 'clicks' . Anxiety is a byproduct and result of a faulty world view. These beliefs or judgments create the fear, and so forth, not the other way around. So you must take responsibility for your beliefs, and if you want to change some areas of your life, look at, examine the contents of your mind, and change your ideas. Your beliefs are not inherent facts about life itself you see, this is the grand illusion. Change the belief, change the course of your history as it will be written.

In regard to the topic of eye contact, that too is a result of conditioning and personal ideas, value judgments and beliefs, about the self and the self in relation to its peers or the world, and so I will not address that directly and give any additional strength to the illusion.

Right again. To be completely truthful, I am afraid to let anyone see in, for fear I will be deemed unworthy or bad and they may not like what they see. What I believe of myself is that I am less of a person than others...something that I have been taught to believe. I am trying to relearn who I am and want to be....have even distanced myself from the negative influences in my life...although they do still have influence, guilt trips, helpless and unwanted/left-out/unworthy. Bombarded with this last weekend.

[gadguy]

Right again. To be completely truthful, I am afraid to let anyone see in, for fear I will be deemed unworthy or bad and they may not like what they see. What I believe of myself is that I am less of a person than others...something that I have been taught to believe. I am trying to relearn who I am and want to be....have even distanced myself from the negative influences in my life...although they do still have influence, guilt trips, helpless and unwanted/left-out/unworthy. Bombarded with this last weekend.

Oops, sorry did not mean to hijack post.

[Im-Suffering]

Right again. To be completely truthful, I am afraid to let anyone see in, for fear I will be deemed unworthy or bad and they may not like what they see. What I believe of myself is that I am less of a person than others...something that I have been taught to believe. I am trying to relearn who I am and want to be....have even distanced myself from the negative influences in my life...although they do still have influence, guilt trips, helpless and unwanted/left-out/unworthy. Bombarded with this last weekend.

These beliefs are in the past,,you see?

And so there are three things we can do to help change them. At first it may seem like a make believe game, but keep at it and soon you will not need to pretend.

1) stay present. In the now. The present is your point of power to create. Let any beliefs from the past stay in the past with no influence on the now. Stay current.

Now, on to shaping that moment.

2) act as if. (how you wish to be), with a teeny tiny bit of courage.

3) at night, when relaxed, visualize. 10 minutes before bed, in the imagination. Become who you wish to be or in possession of that which you lack, and acting it out. For example using the context of this thread, visualize yourself in a new social environment and introducing yourself to others, head up, posture correct, eye to eye, friendly and warm, where every word you utter is of value and enriches the overall experience of everyone you met.

After 10 minutes let it go. Do this for 30 days. Dont push expectations or results. Soon you will astonish yourself at the way you are behaving.

Lastly, there is an observable characteristic of the universe, nature, or whatever we term it, and that is, she rewards courage. (however small the act). So another visualization can be recapitulating the moments in your life that you showed a little courage, and how that shaped your future.

Courage as a word, linguistically transmutes into action, its physical equivalent. And so the universe unfolds in such a way. Action is creative motion. Rather than pull back in fear, there is an impetus toward creative expansion accomplished through courage, you see. I am not talking about jumping from a plane. Another word associated with courage is momentum. This is scientifically observable of course.

Stay current, act as if, letting momentum carry forth courage, and visualize.

[britnii]

Same problem. Plus, I tend to make facial expressions or look at something else before trying to look at their eyes again.