Questioning my relationship?

[Britanica]

Would anxiety cause you to question your relationship?

I been with the same guy for 5 years. He wants to get married, and I did too, over a year ago. Now, the thought of getting married makes me scared. It makes my anxiety worse. I wanted to take a break from the relationship back in February. I told him I didn't know if I wanted it anymore or not. Needless to say, it crushed him. Because I had no where else to stay for our "break", I still stayed with him. So from February till a few days ago, he waited for me to give him an answer, and I couldn't. I am now staying in my parents basement wit one of my cats, the other 4 stayed with him, I miss them dearly. I love him, very much so, but I don't even want to be affectionate with him anymore. I don't like hugging or kissing, any romantic jesters make me cringe, I feel horrible. As of right now, deep down, I don't want to be with him... But the thought of losing him scares me. Has anyone ever gone through something like this? I look at our morals, what we enjoy, what we don't, and so much of who we are as individuals doesn't match up. Like I feel like he is a bad fit for me. I want nothing to do with sex right now, and that is something that is HUGE with him. He can't commit to someone unless he has sex. I can happily live life without it. I also hate drinking and drugs, and he does drink here and there and he smokes pot nearly every day. I am scared to end up like my parents, in an emotionless marriage with next to no common interests, both sucked into our own little bubbles. I don't know what to do. I feel trapped. I feel scared. I have trouble sleeping. I am a mess.

[Kuma]

Sorry about all the angst you are going through. It has to be tough.

Marriage is really hard even when all the "right ingredients" are there. And in your case, it sounds like many of the most important ingredients are not there -- you say, for example "our morals, what we enjoy, what we don't, and so much of who we are as individuals doesn't match up." And then you say you have different views toward sex, drinking, drugs. I suspect most people would say if those are the facts, the odds are not so great. You are talking about pretty fundamental differences with respect to many of the most important issues couples face.

Sounds to me like the only (or at least the primary) reason you are staying together is that you are afraid of leaving. Fear of leaving may not be a very good reason to stay in a relationship, though. And even if it is a good enough reason for you, think about whether it is fair to your boyfriend. Would it be kinder to him to break it off now -- even if there is some fear involved on your part -- and allow him to move on with his life? He has been "waiting around" since February, and still has no certainty. At some point, it seems to me he is entitled to move on with his life. So as you think about what to do, try to consider it from both your and his perspectives.

You might want to read Peter Kramer's book called "Should you Leave?" It will not tell you what to do in your case, but it may help you think through the situation. And, even if it does not, it is a good book which I think you may find interesting. You can easily get it on Amazon or other websites.

One possibility would be to try some couples counseling, to see whether you and your boyfriend can -- with the help of a trained professional counselor -- get some better idea of what would be best for both of you.

Best wishes, Kuma

[Britanica]

Sorry about all the angst you are going through. It has to be tough.

Marriage is really hard even when all the "right ingredients" are there. And in your case, it sounds like many of the most important ingredients are not there -- you say, for example "our morals, what we enjoy, what we don't, and so much of who we are as individuals doesn't match up." And then you say you have different views toward sex, drinking, drugs. I suspect most people would say if those are the facts, the odds are not so great. You are talking about pretty fundamental differences with respect to many of the most important issues couples face.

Sounds to me like the only (or at least the primary) reason you are staying together is that you are afraid of leaving. Fear of leaving may not be a very good reason to stay in a relationship, though. And even if it is a good enough reason for you, think about whether it is fair to your boyfriend. Would it be kinder to him to break it off now -- even if there is some fear involved on your part -- and allow him to move on with his life? He has been "waiting around" since February, and still has no certainty. At some point, it seems to me he is entitled to move on with his life. So as you think about what to do, try to consider it from both your and his perspectives.

You might want to read Peter Kramer's book called "Should you Leave?" It will not tell you what to do in your case, but it may help you think through the situation. And, even if it does not, it is a good book which I think you may find interesting. You can easily get it on Amazon or other websites.

One possibility would be to try some couples counseling, to see whether you and your boyfriend can -- with the help of a trained professional counselor -- get some better idea of what would be best for both of you.

Best wishes, Kuma

Thanks for your insights Kuma.