Horrible thoughts!

[MissCKC]

Well, this is really difficult for me to write about so I hope that someone will respond. Also, this is pretty long. You have been warned!

I have been having really horrible thoughts lately. I live with my fiance and our black lab. I love them both more than anything in this world. Lately, I have been having these repetitive thoughts that are really freaking me out. I have been having thoughts of hurting them. This terrifies me! I have read on here before that being afraid of hurting others is something that has been experienced by some people with anxiety, but I feel like my thoughts are on a completely different level. I have these random visions of me picking up a knife and than other random visions of me hurting them. I can't stand this! I keep telling myself that I would never do it but this one memory keeps popping into my head. I remember one day when I was a kid and I was playing with my babydoll and I threw the doll on the ground and stomped on its head. Than I picked it up and slammed it against the floor. I remember feeling some kind of satisfaction from this. When looking back on this I get scared that maybe all along I have been a violent person. This makes me feel that maybe I really am capable of hurting my fiance or our lab. I am almost to the point where I am ready to commit myself to the mental hospital. I don't want to hurt anybody! I feel guilty for even thinking about it.

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed for having these thoughts. My fiance is someone that I have always been able to talk to about anything that has to do with my anxiety...but with this I feel too awful to tell him about it. He has always been the one to tell me that I am not crazy when I am feeling like I am...but I'm scared that with this he might actually believe that I am crazy. I'm scared that I am really loosing it. I love them so much and hate that I have these repetitive thoughts about harming them.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is if anyone else on this forum understands what I mean, or if I truly am a crazy person. Do you think that my episode with my babydoll means that I could possibly be a dangerous person? Of all the anxiety symptoms I have experienced (I have experienced A LOT of them) this is definitely the worst for me. My fiance is my support and has never left my side throughout all of this so I don't understand why this is happening. Does anyone have any insight or reassurance that they can offer me? I'm pretty scared at this point. I cry when I think about it. I don't want to be crazy and I don't want to hurt anyone! :cry:

[solnyshko]

i have never had thoughts of hurting anyone or anything, not even an insect, until recently, and if suicide wasn't a huge red flag as is, this one is more so i feel. i know people that work in a max security psychiatric prison, my best friend is their counselor, and when i confided in him that my thoughts against myself have been starting to turn towards other people, like having thoughts of stabbing my customers which i am sure a lot of people get when they are angry at work, but mine also became repetitive as well. so i knew i was losing the battle of fighting my disorders on my own when i started having these thoughts. my advice would be the same as i did myself, get professional help as soon as possible! and if you find yourself beginning to act out on these thoughts, like if you are alone and find yourself holding a knife, or maybe beating on a wall even, i would call 911 or some authority right away so they can protect yourself from harm, or harming others. i feel if you are this terrified, and you are aware, you are by no means a dangerous person, you just need help to prevent the dangerous thoughts from taking over your life and to prevent any of them from manifesting. this is my opinion. like i said, i have always had thoughts of hurting myself, largely due to my own disorders, but when for the first time in my life the thoughts transgressed to others, it was a sign that i cannot do this alone. it is time for professional help. take care!

[AngryScotsman]

hey MissCKC, what you are experiencing is just anxiety scary,frightning,bizzar thoughts are VERY commen with anxiety disorders trust me i have also have had simmiler thoughts the trick is not to force them from ur mind and try to ignore them...it sounds like ur making ur self think about these thoughts and i know its not easy but just tell ur self its just mind chatter.hope this helps a bit hang in there ull be fine ...

[MissCKC]

Thank you both for your replies!

AngryScotsman- thanks so much for your reassurance. I have actually been feeling a million times better. I haven't had any weird thoughts like that in the past couple of days. I think that you are right...I was just dwelling on them too much.

[Free2fly]

MissCKC, you are definitely not alone in this. I bought a puppy last year, beautiful little dog and I love her sooo much. For some reason I had these thoughts that I would hurt her, and I was afraid of losing control and doing it. She was so small and I could have hurt her easily - yet this is NOT me. I would not even swat a fly. It was so scary to think these weird things, because I would never do it.
My dog is one year old and I love her even more, and I know now that I do have control over these fears, they do not have control over me. I haven't had any of these thoughts in a long time.

If you didn't act upon these thoughts when you had them, then they are certainly not real impulses. In this case it's actions that count, not thoughts. You don't need to be scared of them (and I have been terrified too) - just think - you never hurt either your fiance or your dog in any of the times you thought about it.
In my opinion it is fear of losing control of your normal self and letting irrationality take over. The fact you wrote this post shows you are not losing control of anything.
And about the doll - I had a similar experience when I was a kid too, and it comes back to haunt me all the time. Just accept that kids do those things, kids can be cruel. Try to let that one go - you were young and experimenting, and that's okay.