Husband causing anxiety again

[trinidiva]

Every couple of months we seem to end up in the same stupid place. Yesterday, we had an argument over something silly but I still felt strongly about it. Its how my husband handled it that I find problem with. He had our 5 yr old helping him take his laundry out of the dryer. He told her to help fold it...more like pretending to fold...but that was fine...here's where I had the problem.... he had her folding his underwear. .....I told him he should remove the underwear and she could help fold everything else. Well, he found issue with me saying that and started yelling. That it is just clothes, its not a big deal....I said that is fine if you feel that way but I am not comfortable with it......well then he really went off. He started packing a bag saying he was leaving unless I apologized to him. I said....apologize for what? Because I think that having a five year old girl folding a grown mans underwear is inappropriate? I said no! So he went to leave and the kids were screaming and crying. So he didn't leave but now my anxiety is through the roof. He has left for work now but I feel like my entire day is thrown off track. Am I wrong for feeling like i do?

[Im-Suffering]

.Its how my husband handled it that I find problem with....He started packing a bag saying he was leaving unless I apologized to him.....So he went to leave...

Unacceptable behaviour, both of you, around children.

All you need to focus on is what is quoted above from your post. This is psychological abuse because it not only effects your mental condition but is highly damaging to childrens psyche. This is what your children are learning about relationships. They are threatening, insecure, unstable (abandonment issues), and unloving.

A man in charge of his faculties does not threaten to leave his family, no matter what, and especially in front of children.

There is likely no communication any longer, or effective communication. In the months leading to these flareups (the calm before the storm. You are in the eye of the hurricane), there is resentment, anger, unexpressed, pent up emotions, so seemingly out of the blue these threats explode, and according to the situation, they then seem extreme.

No one leaves his family because of a laundry request, period. See things how they truly are, wake up before its too late! You are having a repeat of how both of your sets of parents acted.

Nothing new here, should he one day actually leave, then your children will add abandonment to their already unloved fragile psyche, and this they will take to their own relationships, yes even if your husband should return home (unstable personalities). He uses the threat of leaving as a tool, communication, in the only way he knows to be effective.

Put away your egos, put away your inner child in fisticuffs, put away your self and think of the other, and the team, so to speak. Think of the children.

What he is really saying "do you not think im a good parent? I love you so much, why cant we communicate better and more often about the things that effect our family, and our children? I feel disattached, you see, and this separation from a loving space makes me act this way and that, can we talk more, be more open with each other?"

You better talk more, or one day the threat will be realized. If it comes off the tongue, its in the heart and thoughts, do you understand that? Psychologically, the imagination has begun playing with ideas of leaving, and picturing a life without you. That is what the imagination does, it creates. And if you were honest with self, you do the same. Thoughts are things, and the basis for expectations. You are setting in motion the possibility for probable events to take place. I behoove you to watch your footing.

Advice: work on self, how self acts, what self does/believes. Not him. Should you change, he changes, or you leave him behind in the face of a new self, new life, without the unwanted emotional triggers.

That is all.

[trinidiva]

Are you saying that i need to communicate more? No, I really don't think that communicate more than I already do. Anytime my husband gets mad....over anything big or small....he throws a temper tantrum, screams and yells over me, breaks things, tells me I am a terrible wife, etc, that I am boring, a bitch, etc....the list goes on and on. Then when we are on good terms, suddenly I am the best wife and mother ever. My husband does some things sometimes that he doesnt think through and are careless and then gets mad if I say something about it. Mind you, I don't come to him screaming but stating calmly that I want to talk. As soon as he finds out that it is something I don't agree with....he completely talks over me and won't let me get a word in edgewise. How is it my fault that because of our differences in opinion last night, that he tells me that a teller in the local bank tried to hit on him and he may need to visit that bank again sometime soon? How is it right that he says "its my way, or the highway?" Or telling me that because we haven't found a great number of times to be intimate this month that he has begun thinking about his ex girlfriend, who he claims that everything was so good, but she dumped him with no explanation? Does this sound like there is any effective way to communicate with a person like this? I am trying to keep my family together but I honestly don't think it will work if he continues in this way. I really do think it is mental abuse.

[Im-Suffering]

Are you saying that i need to communicate more? . I really do think it is mental abuse.

Introduction of a new concept for you, edifying you:

It is not the husband causing anxiety, it is anxiety in the face of powerless-ness, and your feelings about the self.

There is always the chance to communicate more, in this case to say what your afraid to, "I will not stand one more moment for this abusive behaviour, threats, and insinuations" it is only because you cannot say that, at this time, and follow through with its consequences, do you feel so anxious and powerless.

"I deserve better"
"I am a good mother and wife"
"I expect good things for myself and my children"
"I deserve to be loved"

Here the communication is in your best interests, in your highest regard, in the childrens interests, for the well being of the family.

Work on self, building strength, courage, independence, personal power, esteem, worth. Picture a strong self daily in your mind. Nevermind wasting thought on him, he drains your power (power over you), do you understand? Fix self and the weakness in you that attracts abuse. Repeat that, say it again. Fix self and the weakness in you that attracts abuse/abuser/abusive personalities.

Once done, you will find either drastic changes in him, or loving, fulfilling relationship elsewhere.

Very strong intent in this message, listen to it ! It is just you and I, having true spirit communication this morning, soul to soul, there is no one else.

That is all, last edit 8:22, reread.

[trinidiva]

I get what you are saying. He actually, in the midst of all the craziness, suggested that we go for counseling together. I had suggested it a long time ago and he brushed it under the rug. Now, if he wants to go, I am fine with that but I will intend to be brutally open with whichever counselor we go to see....and I am sure he won't like it but I really just don't care anymore a bout tip toeing around him anymore. Yesterday when he said he was leaving I was actually fine with it but to see my kids crying because he was leaving broke my heart in two. He says he feels like I am emotionally detached but he doesnt get why I would feel like that....after being called a bitch so many times....after being told that I am a terrible wife....I won't find anyone as good as he is and I will lose out if he leaves, etc etc....then I am supposed to not have a wall up? He wants me to be completely lovey dovey after he has completely berated me and doesnt understand why the interest isn't there. He tells me that he won't say that he loves me until I show him affection in the bedroom and that he is giving me until the end of thr year to "get my act together" or else he is leaving. Im just exhausted.

[Im-Suffering]

I get what you are saying. He actually, in the midst of all the craziness, suggested that we go for counseling together. I had suggested it a long time ago and he brushed it under the rug. Now, if he wants to go, I am fine with that but I will intend to be brutally open with whichever counselor we go to see....and I am sure he won't like it but I really just don't care anymore a bout tip toeing around him anymore. Yesterday when he said he was leaving I was actually fine with it but to see my kids crying because he was leaving broke my heart in two. He says he feels like I am emotionally detached but he doesnt get why I would feel like that....after being called a bitch so many times....after being told that I am a terrible wife....I won't find anyone as good as he is and I will lose out if he leaves, etc etc....then I am supposed to not have a wall up? He wants me to be completely lovey dovey after he has completely berated me and doesnt understand why the interest isn't there. He tells me that he won't say that he loves me until I show him affection in the bedroom and that he is giving me until the end of thr year to "get my act together" or else he is leaving. Im just exhausted.

One day he will see, my loved one, that his behaviours are not constructive (he feels his approach will get him results), thus he can begin to heal his childhood abuse.

Advise you to seek your own counseling, for your own return to womanhood, self empowerment. For couples therapy to work you must be in an appropriate state, conducive to heal (you must want him back), and for him it may be a way to placate, another form of abuse (blame you if conseling should fail with never an earnest effort intended). Again, watch yourself.

Either way, advice is to work on the self, take personal responsibility for you, and less for the critics and abusers. Seek your own therapy to release the horrendous mark left on your soul and to find your own reasons/answers. To open your psyche to true fulfillment, love. Listen to me!

Print this thread and reread it in quiet times.

You are loved. End of information I have for you 9:12am. Its up to you what to do with it. Free will.

[trinidiva]

I understand completely and you are right. Thank you.

[snowberry]

He sounds just like my dad. Everything you said about him not thinking things through and then getting angry when you bring it up...his threats, his breaking things. My mother has put up with it for 23 years. She has always tiptoed around him. People like that have no self-awareness. They think they are blameless and that anything that goes wrong in their life is someone else's fault. In order for your relationship to survive, he has to learn self-awareness...he has to learn to take the blame for his share of the upset, rather than see himself as a guy that things just seem to happen to. But most importantly, he needs to understand this his sore ego is NOT more important this his children's happiness, and that there should be no more fights/dramatic gestures in front of the kids. Hopefully the counselling will work - I do strongly suggest you go through with it, even if you can say, hand on heart, that you tried.

Another two cents, but they're important: as a kid who grew up in a house like that, I honestly hated the situation to death. If you can make it work with your husband that's great, but if the relationship has come to an end, don't be tempted to stay together 'for the kids'. When they are little the idea of their parents splitting up may be devastating, but they would get used to it. If you are both there for them and give them plenty of affection, they will be reconciled to the decision and as both mother and father will (hopefully) appear happier apart, that will reassure them that it was for the best. Constant rowing together is not better than a clean break.

[Exactice]

Thats the Im-suffering that I am used to.

Trini, unfortunate actions that were uncalled for. Pretty childish if you ask me. There may be a root problem to it. Counseling is always a great idea together. The conversation seemed small but it ticked off a firestorm, so really what is going on behind the scene/ behind the true thoughts.

Children com first like Im-suffering eluded too. Children are extremely influential so be cautions on your actions around them.

Other than that.... communication is key. Let it out once in a while! But not around the kids!

LOL its a storm it will pass!