Sorrows
07-18-2014, 10:38 PM
So I've posted on these forums before under a different account but I closed it a few months ago. This should be a short story but I have to tell it from the ebgining so all the details are on the table. It's about two girls, one becoming my ex and me being drawn back to her. I want to tell it from the start so not to paint a picture of an evil girl or a noble and romantic me. Because I made the bigger mistakes and I want to make that clear.
I'm going to refer to the two girls as simple 1 and 2, to protect their privacy.
So to begin I am a very social phobic person, I've had anxiety for most of my life and panic attacks started when I was in high school due to "not fitting in" and being bullied. I've been in only a few relationships that have all only lasted a couple weeks to a month on average, because of how shy and awkward I am. But here is were I've been stuck for the past few months. Four and a half months ago I met girl1 through my job. She had just started working and it was an instant connection. I had never been so relaxed around another person, and for that matter a very attractive girl. We talked and then we started messaging each other the following day. But she was engaged Also I am 22 years old and she just a bit younger than me. She told me she was engaged, making sure I knew. And she made it very clear that she would never cheat on him. they had been together for about 3 and a half years, he had been away for the past 2 and she was waiting for him to return. (rather not go into why he was gone, part of the privacy thing) but from the outside they seemed to have it all. About a week after me and her met they had a fight about an ongoing issue and they broke up. The next day she informed me and asked if i would want to hang out. I excitedly agreed. After a couple "dates" things got physical. making out at first and progressing in the two months following. So during the first two months I had become aware of her popularity. She had just recently come home from college and she has a LOT of friends, guy friends. which I then learned that I am a pretty jealous guy. She would invite me to hang out with her and some of them and all of the people she introduced me to were very kind and seemed like very good people. But I took it upon myself to still hold in the anxiety of jealousy and that didn't go well. I didn't actually hold it in at all. I voiced my jealousy and it created tension between us. more and more and then she got self conscious about a girl I dated and I was annoyed at first. This one girl I dated VS all these guys she has to talk to. it made me pretty upset. I'd like to say that when things were going smooth I saw the world in this girl. I was happy everytime I was with her, we could joke and talk about anything. She was by my definition perfect for me. but I let the jealousy boil to the extreme. I Made a fake facebook account and posed it as an old high school friend. this friend being a very attractive ex. She caught on and her trust in me was destroyed. I am very ashamed of what i did. i never thought I'd be that kind of guy. to have that jealousy alone but to take it as far as I did. She told me that we needed to be just friends. And I was heartbroken. the next couple weeks my jealousy didn't slow down. We were still talking and very close just not relationship close. she brought up her ex and I patiently took the blow. she explained that she saw that he started dating some girl and she was jelous. I told her bluntly that while I understood i still made me feel, well shitty. She then told me that she "was not and probably wouldn't be ready for a full committed relationship." she went on to say that she "was with him for so long and stayed loyal to him throughout high school and felt that she missed out on a lot of life lessons and that she thought she needed to take those options in order to ever be in a healthy relationship." which I took as "you were just a rebound, now I realize that I'm single and get to play the field." this wasn't a pleasing conversation either. well the very next day, not exaggerating, she already had plans with another guy we worked with. She "hung out" with this guy for about a month when it first started i didn't know exactly who it was and again my jealousy took the driver seat. When I found out I quizzed her and every time i spoke it was a condescending question about them being together. I found out where he lived and drove there to watch them leave together. I had wanted to see what level of physical connection they were at, if they kissed goodbye. I got the cops called on my because a neighbor saw my car and called them on suspicion. I was faced with the embarrassing task of explaining to the officer what i was doing and even called her to let the officer talk to her so he could make sure I wasn't "up to anything" (the neighborhood was going through it's wave of break-ins) so she knew, he knew and I'm pretty sure every single one of my co workers knew that very night. The officer gave me some really good advice and I've stuck to it which is where I'm at now. I know it was only a couple months ago but I can safely say who I was then and what I was doing is not who I am now. All it took was the most embarrassing hour of my life to realize that i was acting like a complete psycho... So that's when i decided I had to move on. I had met girl2 a few weeks before that night. we talked but never went out because I was so wrapped up in girl1. until that night. So the next day i asked girl2 if she would like to hang out. We went out to dinner and a movie and it went good. It wasn't a "instant connection" on my side but I wanted to give it a chance. So I asked her out again. throughout the next few weeks we had went on about 6-7 dates. I spent the night at her house a couple times, but being very cautious not to fall back into ANY old behaviors. around a couple months ago she was in the middle of moving, but had no place ready so she would be spending 2 months with her family a couple states away. On her last day here she expressed her "true" feelings for me. She said she had fallen for me and she loved who I was. She knew I was in as deep because we had a conversation about that before. I expressed to her that because of my past and the most recent relationship with girl1 I wanted to do this one differently. Take out time and truly get to know each other. She was very open, and seemed okay with that. But at the same time as her leaving girl1 informed me that the guy she was seeing "used her and threw her away" she also said she knew he was using her but she didn't care because she "hated herself and had no self esteem." but with that the hope of being with her again sparked back up... back to girl2 I made it clear that I wanted to wait for her return to continue our relationship, to see where it would go. but with girl1 now being "single" I was fixated on her once again. for almost a month I went between shunning her to wanting only her. Well now we are to about the present. Our job we basically work within 10-25 feet away from each other at all times. We came to the agreement that we can and should always be friends. our joking and talking at work lead to us hanging out once again and that brought back allll the old feelings. At the start of this she made it clear once again that she wasn't ready for a committed relationship, which I was and why i was so torn between ignoring her and just being with her. But I caved, we talk joke and hang out. since then about a month ago we have gotten physical again, far more than before to. The jealousy is still there. we had a conversation around this time about all her "guy" friends and I said I would leave it alone because all it did for either of us was cause arguments and tension. She still "hangs out" with all these college guy friends she has. and it kills me.
I'm going to refer to the two girls as simple 1 and 2, to protect their privacy.
So to begin I am a very social phobic person, I've had anxiety for most of my life and panic attacks started when I was in high school due to "not fitting in" and being bullied. I've been in only a few relationships that have all only lasted a couple weeks to a month on average, because of how shy and awkward I am. But here is were I've been stuck for the past few months. Four and a half months ago I met girl1 through my job. She had just started working and it was an instant connection. I had never been so relaxed around another person, and for that matter a very attractive girl. We talked and then we started messaging each other the following day. But she was engaged Also I am 22 years old and she just a bit younger than me. She told me she was engaged, making sure I knew. And she made it very clear that she would never cheat on him. they had been together for about 3 and a half years, he had been away for the past 2 and she was waiting for him to return. (rather not go into why he was gone, part of the privacy thing) but from the outside they seemed to have it all. About a week after me and her met they had a fight about an ongoing issue and they broke up. The next day she informed me and asked if i would want to hang out. I excitedly agreed. After a couple "dates" things got physical. making out at first and progressing in the two months following. So during the first two months I had become aware of her popularity. She had just recently come home from college and she has a LOT of friends, guy friends. which I then learned that I am a pretty jealous guy. She would invite me to hang out with her and some of them and all of the people she introduced me to were very kind and seemed like very good people. But I took it upon myself to still hold in the anxiety of jealousy and that didn't go well. I didn't actually hold it in at all. I voiced my jealousy and it created tension between us. more and more and then she got self conscious about a girl I dated and I was annoyed at first. This one girl I dated VS all these guys she has to talk to. it made me pretty upset. I'd like to say that when things were going smooth I saw the world in this girl. I was happy everytime I was with her, we could joke and talk about anything. She was by my definition perfect for me. but I let the jealousy boil to the extreme. I Made a fake facebook account and posed it as an old high school friend. this friend being a very attractive ex. She caught on and her trust in me was destroyed. I am very ashamed of what i did. i never thought I'd be that kind of guy. to have that jealousy alone but to take it as far as I did. She told me that we needed to be just friends. And I was heartbroken. the next couple weeks my jealousy didn't slow down. We were still talking and very close just not relationship close. she brought up her ex and I patiently took the blow. she explained that she saw that he started dating some girl and she was jelous. I told her bluntly that while I understood i still made me feel, well shitty. She then told me that she "was not and probably wouldn't be ready for a full committed relationship." she went on to say that she "was with him for so long and stayed loyal to him throughout high school and felt that she missed out on a lot of life lessons and that she thought she needed to take those options in order to ever be in a healthy relationship." which I took as "you were just a rebound, now I realize that I'm single and get to play the field." this wasn't a pleasing conversation either. well the very next day, not exaggerating, she already had plans with another guy we worked with. She "hung out" with this guy for about a month when it first started i didn't know exactly who it was and again my jealousy took the driver seat. When I found out I quizzed her and every time i spoke it was a condescending question about them being together. I found out where he lived and drove there to watch them leave together. I had wanted to see what level of physical connection they were at, if they kissed goodbye. I got the cops called on my because a neighbor saw my car and called them on suspicion. I was faced with the embarrassing task of explaining to the officer what i was doing and even called her to let the officer talk to her so he could make sure I wasn't "up to anything" (the neighborhood was going through it's wave of break-ins) so she knew, he knew and I'm pretty sure every single one of my co workers knew that very night. The officer gave me some really good advice and I've stuck to it which is where I'm at now. I know it was only a couple months ago but I can safely say who I was then and what I was doing is not who I am now. All it took was the most embarrassing hour of my life to realize that i was acting like a complete psycho... So that's when i decided I had to move on. I had met girl2 a few weeks before that night. we talked but never went out because I was so wrapped up in girl1. until that night. So the next day i asked girl2 if she would like to hang out. We went out to dinner and a movie and it went good. It wasn't a "instant connection" on my side but I wanted to give it a chance. So I asked her out again. throughout the next few weeks we had went on about 6-7 dates. I spent the night at her house a couple times, but being very cautious not to fall back into ANY old behaviors. around a couple months ago she was in the middle of moving, but had no place ready so she would be spending 2 months with her family a couple states away. On her last day here she expressed her "true" feelings for me. She said she had fallen for me and she loved who I was. She knew I was in as deep because we had a conversation about that before. I expressed to her that because of my past and the most recent relationship with girl1 I wanted to do this one differently. Take out time and truly get to know each other. She was very open, and seemed okay with that. But at the same time as her leaving girl1 informed me that the guy she was seeing "used her and threw her away" she also said she knew he was using her but she didn't care because she "hated herself and had no self esteem." but with that the hope of being with her again sparked back up... back to girl2 I made it clear that I wanted to wait for her return to continue our relationship, to see where it would go. but with girl1 now being "single" I was fixated on her once again. for almost a month I went between shunning her to wanting only her. Well now we are to about the present. Our job we basically work within 10-25 feet away from each other at all times. We came to the agreement that we can and should always be friends. our joking and talking at work lead to us hanging out once again and that brought back allll the old feelings. At the start of this she made it clear once again that she wasn't ready for a committed relationship, which I was and why i was so torn between ignoring her and just being with her. But I caved, we talk joke and hang out. since then about a month ago we have gotten physical again, far more than before to. The jealousy is still there. we had a conversation around this time about all her "guy" friends and I said I would leave it alone because all it did for either of us was cause arguments and tension. She still "hangs out" with all these college guy friends she has. and it kills me.