Not normal

[Thepassenger]

Am I normal?... It's a question I'm asking myself more and more recently.
I have always been prone to having my 'black waves', but they are becoming more and more frequent and more and more imposing. Quite often I'm struggling to keep my head adrift and not get engulfed by my waves

What I struggle to understand most though is the timing of these episodes, they seem to strike more often and more powerfully when I am happy and things are going right in my life. It's almost like I have a self destruct button that I press when I get too content with my life

My preoccupation us with death, and not just my own. I have a beautiful 5 year old son. I tend to spend my time feeling guilty because one day he will die and I have done that to him!
My fear for myself and the people I love is causing me to have anxiety attacks and is disrupting my sleep, which in turn tends to bring more attacks on. My attacks and cold sweats are making it difficult for me to function on a day to day basis

I have a wonderful gf who I love very much, but more and more recently I am subjecting myself to sexual humiliation with members of the same sex, encounters I seek on websites. I'm offering myself submissive to their needs, my need to make them happy and fulfilled is quickly replaced by my guilt and shame. I can't understand why I feel the need to lower myself to do this, or why I feel it should be connected to my state of mind. It serves only as a temporary distraction

I don't know where to turn, I feel too proud to seek help, talk to anyone... but I'm getting to the point now where I feel if I don't do something, I will implode!
Help!

[tired0319]

Passenger, please don't feel too proud to seek help. It takes a lot of courage and proves that you are strong. It sounds like you are putting yourself in dangerous situations & that is not good. I'm not sure if you're in the US... If so you can search on PsychologyToday.com and search for Doctors or therapists by location and specialty. You can do this! You'll feel so much better just talking to someone & getting out of your head.

[Thepassenger]

Passenger, please don't feel too proud to seek help. It takes a lot of courage and proves that you are strong. It sounds like you are putting yourself in dangerous situations & that is not good. I'm not sure if you're in the US... If so you can search on PsychologyToday.com and search for Doctors or therapists by location and specialty. You can do this! You'll feel so much better just talking to someone & getting out of your head.

Thank you Tired
I'm not in the US, I'm in the UK
I should seek help I know, just can't talk to anyone I know about it, for pride as well as obvious reasons

[Dahila]

I had read your thread a few hours ago, but could not answer. Welcome to the forum. You need to talk about it to psychiatrist. I think you are deperssed ; big time depressed. You need to talk to proffesional:))