Existential Anxiety

[Two One]

Part of who I am has always been the desire to control and fix whatever I can. I want to be in control of everything that I possibly can, and I want to fix every situation that I can. Lately I've been noticing that these "qualities" of mine are part of what allows my anxiety to run my life. I want to be in control of whatever I can, whether it be certain aspects of my life, certain situations etc. I've realized that the one thing I should be in control of the most is exactly what fuels my daily pain and suffering. My mind. I'm completely incapable of controlling my thoughts and my mind and that infuriates me. My lack of control over the thing that torments me daily angers me like you wouldn't believe. I've also come to the realization that I always try to fix things but the one thing I can't fix is what needs fixing the most, myself. My frustration about my inability to fix myself and my anxiety issues leads me to go out and try and fix everyone else's problems. I do whatever I can to help those I care about, because I do not want to see anyone suffer the way I have. I managed to diagnose my friend with gastritis before her doctor was able to and I helped her relieve her symptoms through Prilosec and a bland diet, I helped my ex girlfriend through her PTSD but I can't fix my own anxiety problems. You can't imagine how much this upsets me, because of this I constantly find myself questioning my purpose and the true meaning of life.

This existential crisis of mine began after I graduated high school in 2012. In high school I was relatively anxiety free and a happy individual, I was just living my life and having a good time. Everything changed not even two months after I graduated. In June 2012 I was wrongfully betrayed by a group of friends who were nearly family to me. I spent countless nights questioning where I went wrong, what I could have done differently. Was I a bad friend? Was I just not good enough? After over analyzing the whole situation I realized they used me through high school. They decided they were done with me and tossed me aside. They used me for my money, my resources, and my car. This prompted me to question why I should even bother attempting to forge friendships and relationships with other people if I was ultimately alone. I felt it didn't matter how close you were to anyone, in the end all you have is yourself and you're alone. I even had a girlfriend at the time, not even she could fill this void I had, she couldn't make me feel like I had anybody to count on other than my family. As a result of this I began to isolate myself from everyone and anyone. My true friends attempted to help me get over whatever it was that I was feeling but I rejected their efforts initially. I sat in my room every day writing my songs convincing myself that music was my purpose. That's why I'm here, I have something to say and I want it to be heard. But still I found life meaningless. What really is the meaning of life? I would push myself through college then work until I die? No thanks.

Finally, I came around and I reconnected with my true friends, the ones who were always there for me. But still I was chasing my purpose in life. I was really convinced that my purpose was to make music. I desperately chased after something I knew was a difficult dream to attain, I became rather cold and selfish because of it. One night while I was out with my friends I was being incredibly inconsiderate of what had happened to a girl I considered my best friend and I opened my mouth without knowing the truth. I lost her. I lost my confidant. What was I going to do? I couldn't share all these questions about why I'm here with my girlfriend because her opinion was incredibly biased and I just didn't believe anything she said. During the winter of 2012 I was probably at the loneliest point of my life. My girlfriend decided to go on a trip to London for cheer leading (she was a senior in high school at this time), instead of going on a big trip with me to Lake Tahoe. Once again I felt betrayed and alone. I never thought of her the same. Eventually I let go of it and went on with life.

Enter 2013. In February I met a guy who offered to help me with my music, and teach me how to rap with much more skill. I saw this as a turning point in my life, it thought things may finally be looking up. I was wrong. Once my anxiety finally flared up and I was hit with the worst physical anxiety symptoms I've experienced in my life I once again saw my life as pointless. However, my girlfriend showed an incredible understanding of what was wrong with me and I finally let go and forgave her for choosing cheer leading over me. My friends rallied around me and were there for me throughout all of it. Somehow it's all come to right now.

Every day I bring my life into question and I search for my purpose in life. I still cling to music and continue to write songs and record because now I am confident in my work but I still question whether life is worth living. I view myself as just one insignificant person in such a big world. Can I really make that much of a difference? Is this all there is to life? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I don't know, but I do know that a lot of my anxiety issues come from this deep seeded existential crisis I've been having since graduating high school. My thoughts.

[Im-Suffering]

Part of who I am has always been the desire to control and fix whatever I can. I want to be in control of everything that I possibly can, and I want to fix every situation that I can. Lately I've been noticing that these "qualities" of mine are part of what allows my anxiety to run my life. I want to be in control of whatever I can, whether it be certain aspects of my life, certain situations etc. I've realized that the one thing I should be in control of the most is exactly what fuels my daily pain and suffering. My mind. I'm completely incapable of controlling my thoughts and my mind and that infuriates me. My lack of control over the thing that torments me daily angers me like you wouldn't believe. I've also come to the realization that I always try to fix things but the one thing I can't fix is what needs fixing the most, myself. My frustration about my inability to fix myself and my anxiety issues leads me to go out and try and fix everyone else's problems. I do whatever I can to help those I care about, because I do not want to see anyone suffer the way I have. I managed to diagnose my friend with gastritis before her doctor was able to and I helped her relieve her symptoms through Prilosec and a bland diet, I helped my ex girlfriend through her PTSD but I can't fix my own anxiety problems. You can't imagine how much this upsets me, because of this I constantly find myself questioning my purpose and the true meaning of life.

This existential crisis of mine began after I graduated high school in 2012. In high school I was relatively anxiety free and a happy individual, I was just living my life and having a good time. Everything changed not even two months after I graduated. In June 2012 I was wrongfully betrayed by a group of friends who were nearly family to me. I spent countless nights questioning where I went wrong, what I could have done differently. Was I a bad friend? Was I just not good enough? After over analyzing the whole situation I realized they used me through high school. They decided they were done with me and tossed me aside. They used me for my money, my resources, and my car. This prompted me to question why I should even bother attempting to forge friendships and relationships with other people if I was ultimately alone. I felt it didn't matter how close you were to anyone, in the end all you have is yourself and you're alone. I even had a girlfriend at the time, not even she could fill this void I had, she couldn't make me feel like I had anybody to count on other than my family. As a result of this I began to isolate myself from everyone and anyone. My true friends attempted to help me get over whatever it was that I was feeling but I rejected their efforts initially. I sat in my room every day writing my songs convincing myself that music was my purpose. That's why I'm here, I have something to say and I want it to be heard. But still I found life meaningless. What really is the meaning of life? I would push myself through college then work until I die? No thanks.

Finally, I came around and I reconnected with my true friends, the ones who were always there for me. But still I was chasing my purpose in life. I was really convinced that my purpose was to make music. I desperately chased after something I knew was a difficult dream to attain, I became rather cold and selfish because of it. One night while I was out with my friends I was being incredibly inconsiderate of what had happened to a girl I considered my best friend and I opened my mouth without knowing the truth. I lost her. I lost my confidant. What was I going to do? I couldn't share all these questions about why I'm here with my girlfriend because her opinion was incredibly biased and I just didn't believe anything she said. During the winter of 2012 I was probably at the loneliest point of my life. My girlfriend decided to go on a trip to London for cheer leading (she was a senior in high school at this time), instead of going on a big trip with me to Lake Tahoe. Once again I felt betrayed and alone. I never thought of her the same. Eventually I let go of it and went on with life.

Enter 2013. In February I met a guy who offered to help me with my music, and teach me how to rap with much more skill. I saw this as a turning point in my life, it thought things may finally be looking up. I was wrong. Once my anxiety finally flared up and I was hit with the worst physical anxiety symptoms I've experienced in my life I once again saw my life as pointless. However, my girlfriend showed an incredible understanding of what was wrong with me and I finally let go and forgave her for choosing cheer leading over me. My friends rallied around me and were there for me throughout all of it. Somehow it's all come to right now.

Every day I bring my life into question and I search for my purpose in life. I still cling to music and continue to write songs and record because now I am confident in my work but I still question whether life is worth living. I view myself as just one insignificant person in such a big world. Can I really make that much of a difference? Is this all there is to life? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I don't know, but I do know that a lot of my anxiety issues come from this deep seeded existential crisis I've been having since graduating high school. My thoughts.

You dont know me, I am a medium, so for you my inquisitive friend, the following: (typed out as given, no fixes to grammar, etc. In regards to the topic of purpose)-

Now, whatever is for thy greater good, period. The question becomes what is best for self, or selfs highest regards. Thy influence on the world is not determined by geography, period. Those bedridden in their small corner of the world, in their homes, have changed the world, you neednt leave the house, intently, period.

There is no doing, without the being. Those shaping your life with inventions, grand buildings, are adept at first shaping these creations in thought, as inspiration first.

Thy sole purpose is to the self. Growing, understanding, clarity. Thy purpose is to sift through outdated belief systems as a child, and eventually to the freedom to be, you, and to see your life clearly. Thy purpose then is a spiritual understanding of the nature of reality, your hand in it, and ultimately that you create it. It is your responsibility to work within the framework you have chosen.

It is not to complain, rebel, shout in opposition, or victimize...but to see with thine eyes the joys of creaturehood in its cooporative grand venture.

Thy purpose when thy thoughts are straight, and clear, becomes an undercurrent for others, "I Am the light and the way". You cannot possibly understand or find thy purpose without first throwing it away. Rather, your ideas of it.

You will say all thy time, every moment to moment, "since I create my reality, and help to cocreate my world, is what im thinking or being, doing now from love, and in my highest regard? In my endeavors am I building or tearing down my peers, in my heart and voice, do I help or hinder? Do I love or hate?"

Thy purpose is contained within love, the feeling, and thy profound understanding of who you are. Not in the world or in the peers will it ever be found, but in thyself. Your music can take you deep within, as a tool to bring forth emotions that you otherwise may not be in touch with. As you begin to touch the inner nerve, you will resonate with others, such is the power of the master musician.

So stop in your tracks, and go within, for you will never find anything without. With thy thinking aright, from your own little corner in your home you can and will change the world.

I am in my corner, and with this post I have changed the world more than moving a mountain from here to there, if you understand this, then I have succeeded.

End of reading, end of post, no further information given

[Two One]

You dont know me, I am a medium, so for you my inquisitive friend, the following: (typed out as given, no fixes to grammar, etc. In regards to the topic of purpose)-

Now, whatever is for thy greater good, period. The question becomes what is best for self, or selfs highest regards. Thy influence on the world is not determined by geography, period. Those bedridden in their small corner of the world, in their homes, have changed the world, you neednt leave the house, intently, period.

There is no doing, without the being. Those shaping your life with inventions, grand buildings, are adept at first shaping these creations in thought, as inspiration first.

Thy sole purpose is to the self. Growing, understanding, clarity. Thy purpose is to sift through outdated belief systems as a child, and eventually to the freedom to be, you, and to see your life clearly. Thy purpose then is a spiritual understanding of the nature of reality, your hand in it, and ultimately that you create it. It is your responsibility to work within the framework you have chosen.

It is not to complain, rebel, shout in opposition, or victimize...but to see with thine eyes the joys of creaturehood in its cooporative grand venture.

Thy purpose when thy thoughts are straight, and clear, becomes an undercurrent for others, "I Am the light and the way". You cannot possibly understand or find thy purpose without first throwing it away. Rather, your ideas of it.

You will say all thy time, every moment to moment, "since I create my reality, and help to cocreate my world, is what im thinking or being, doing now from love, and in my highest regard? In my endeavors am I building or tearing down my peers, in my heart and voice, do I help or hinder? Do I love or hate?"

Thy purpose is contained within love, the feeling, and thy profound understanding of who you are. Not in the world or in the peers will it ever be found, but in thyself. Your music can take you deep within, as a tool to bring forth emotions that you otherwise may not be in touch with. As you begin to touch the inner nerve, you will resonate with others, such is the power of the master musician.

So stop in your tracks, and go within, for you will never find anything without. With thy thinking aright, from your own little corner in your home you can and will change the world.

I am in my corner, and with this post I have changed the world more than moving a mountain from here to there, if you understand this, then I have succeeded.

End of reading, end of post, no further information given

This was very helpful, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my post.

[Im-Suffering]

This was very helpful, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my post.

By the law of attraction, and it is the law, do you attract that which is expected. People will come and go, and should you sit and examine your life for a moment, you will see the correlation with your experiences, all of them, no exceptions.

Your peers, your unexpected music teacher, your girlfriend, your whole story. Your beliefs in each case, just when you think you have your answers or achieve a milestone, cause the flareup of anxiety, and thus frustration. So it is off to the beliefs we shall go to find those emotions that are restricting you. The fear of criticism would cut off all ambition even as the finish line is in sight.

Now, what is undesirable and what is desired you shall receive since the law does not discriminate. You get what you expect, as your beliefs lead you to a way of thinking, wanting, desiring, imagining, picturing. And these things can be constructive or destructive to the self. Either way you get it.

"Why do I want this or that", "is this my desire, or the child in me reacting blindly to mom and dad?" "Is this what I want, feel, is this my passion, what is my motive?" "Is it forced upon me, what someone told me I need to do?"

As a grownup now, make sure you are not being compelled to action by a 5 year old (in you), with unresolved hurts, or unreasonable expectations forced upon his psyche by seemingly well meaning critical adults, period. You must go there, and look in the mirror. By their actions and words, they have stripped you of the ability to see meaning in your life, "I am meaningless, I can do nothing to satisfy them, what is the purpose? " forgetting where the original thoughts came from, they become now general life-thoughts. Instead of (to parents or authoritative figure(s)) " I love you, why do you make me feel this way" it now becomes, "I am this way", period.

Thus the fixing is in thyself. Compulsively seeking to fix everything else because thy ego feels broken. Setting everything else right, you believe, could set you right.

By examining your beliefs, you ease the push against the self to be, do, act, or else, do you understand? The purpose is discovered when no longer do you blindly react, respond, to the beliefs you took on long ago.

And, as long as there is love, you are never alone. Love is the answer. If you cannot do any of what we have told you, then do this and the heavens promise you life.....

Love more, period.

End of post.