solnyshko
06-01-2008, 10:17 PM
hi,
i have had anxiety for as long as i can remember. but for the last four years it has accelerated to an incredibly exhausting degree. in the last 2yrs it has gotten much worse, doubled with depression it has been almost incapacitating.
lately, it has gotten much worse to the point that i try to fight the physical pain of it with more physical pain. i am poor and i am going to try to see if i can get free help from a psychiatrist offered by the county very soon. this is the first time i have ever posted in a forum that didn't have to deal with a video game. i have not been diagnosed with agoraphobia, but i feel like i have it. some very bad things have happened to me in my life, but for some odd reason the catalyst of this explosion where the anxiety is just too strong to fight anymore happened with a break up to someone i loved very much, and i had a nervous breakdown after and i don't feel i ever recovered from it.
this is not a normal situation for me and now i have obsessive thinking about her, and i want it to stop. so i know i need help which is why i am here. i think the whole idea of me being this bad has brought me great distress and shame. recently the person i mentioned after 4yrs of being away from each other, has tried to reach out and help me. and i am so full of panic attacks and depression that it exhausts her and is already pushing her away, which creates much more stress for me. we were engaged and i have been stricken with panic attacks and depression since i was a child and now i am in my 30s.
i am so far into depression that i had to leave college when i was almost done, and the anxiety is so bad that i barely leave my home besides work which adds to my anxiety being that i am a waiter.
i have tried religion, Buddhism, companionship, community activities, gaming, herbalism, medication, therapy. i always find myself right back here, such in a bad state that i drive the ones i love away and feel that i need to vanish from the planet for the good of others, i am so very tired of feeling this way, i feel like i have been consumed by it and really starting lose against it now. i am fighting the hardest i can but i really feel like i have nothing left. so i do not want to continue screwing up future opportunities because of this and i am willing to go back on medication and always wanted therapy but i cannot afford it.
that is part of my story.
it took a lot for me to write this. and i'm having a panic attack now :(
i feel like a failure and a loser all the time. empty and worthless are words that ring in my head a lot. i used to be able to fight it most of my life, but after this experience of losing my fiance, i cannot seem to recover at all and i don't understand why not. i talk to no one about this because even i think it's so ridiculous. well i feel embarrassed and will be quiet now. thanks for the time.
bye ~t
i have had anxiety for as long as i can remember. but for the last four years it has accelerated to an incredibly exhausting degree. in the last 2yrs it has gotten much worse, doubled with depression it has been almost incapacitating.
lately, it has gotten much worse to the point that i try to fight the physical pain of it with more physical pain. i am poor and i am going to try to see if i can get free help from a psychiatrist offered by the county very soon. this is the first time i have ever posted in a forum that didn't have to deal with a video game. i have not been diagnosed with agoraphobia, but i feel like i have it. some very bad things have happened to me in my life, but for some odd reason the catalyst of this explosion where the anxiety is just too strong to fight anymore happened with a break up to someone i loved very much, and i had a nervous breakdown after and i don't feel i ever recovered from it.
this is not a normal situation for me and now i have obsessive thinking about her, and i want it to stop. so i know i need help which is why i am here. i think the whole idea of me being this bad has brought me great distress and shame. recently the person i mentioned after 4yrs of being away from each other, has tried to reach out and help me. and i am so full of panic attacks and depression that it exhausts her and is already pushing her away, which creates much more stress for me. we were engaged and i have been stricken with panic attacks and depression since i was a child and now i am in my 30s.
i am so far into depression that i had to leave college when i was almost done, and the anxiety is so bad that i barely leave my home besides work which adds to my anxiety being that i am a waiter.
i have tried religion, Buddhism, companionship, community activities, gaming, herbalism, medication, therapy. i always find myself right back here, such in a bad state that i drive the ones i love away and feel that i need to vanish from the planet for the good of others, i am so very tired of feeling this way, i feel like i have been consumed by it and really starting lose against it now. i am fighting the hardest i can but i really feel like i have nothing left. so i do not want to continue screwing up future opportunities because of this and i am willing to go back on medication and always wanted therapy but i cannot afford it.
that is part of my story.
it took a lot for me to write this. and i'm having a panic attack now :(
i feel like a failure and a loser all the time. empty and worthless are words that ring in my head a lot. i used to be able to fight it most of my life, but after this experience of losing my fiance, i cannot seem to recover at all and i don't understand why not. i talk to no one about this because even i think it's so ridiculous. well i feel embarrassed and will be quiet now. thanks for the time.
bye ~t