megasaurus
06-27-2014, 08:44 AM
This is really my first time reaching out about my anxiety to anyone but my family.
My anxiety started in 2010. A lot happened the year before. I broke up with a serious on and off again boyfriend (my first real love), I moved away from home for the first time, spent part of the summer with my dad, who left me when I was 10, and his new wife. I was 20 years old, I should have been excited to go off to a new college, I should have been having adventures and making friends. But I didn't do any of that. Let me start from the beginning.
2009-2010
I had this boyfriend, who I had been seeing since I was eighteen. That relationship had a lot of drama. We broke up 3 times. It was poisonous really. He wasn't abusive. But I was so wrapped up in him that it became one of those situations where if he said jump I would. Probably would have followed him to the other side of the world. Every waking moment was about him. Then at the beginning of 2010 we broke up for the final time.
After we broke up I got myself into a string of odd... "relationships". One was a boy who was two years younger, pot smoker, loser, never going anywhere (nothing against pot smoking, but is was huge factor about who he was). That was a bust. Then a guy who I had been friends with for years... he was in a relationship so that was a confusing situation, I had never been the other woman before. Then my best friends, friend. That was more of a secret sneaking behind everyone's back type of thing, pretty sure because he didn't want to be linked with me publicly. It was a tough relationship year.
That summer after my birthday in 2010 my dad came to pick me up to take me to stay with him in Georgia for part of the summer. I was sick all the way down there because of my nerves. Couldn't eat, nauseous. My blood sugar dropped, and by the time we go to his house I was shaking. I ended up having a good time while I was there, but it was stressful being so far from home with a man who had left me and my sister.
My stress levels grew of the summer, so I went to the doctor. He told me I was like a gas tank that was already full and now the excess was pouring out. I was put on lexapro. It actually didn't help, not noticeably anyway.
In August my sister and I moved away to go to college. This is when I started to notice my anxiety was getting worse. It was the first time I had lived away from home. And at that time my ex and I were actually talking again, pretty regularly. At one point I was considering giving him another chance. Then I found out he slept with my sisters best friend and I knew I was done for good. At this point I was having pretty regular anxiety. A lot of the time I felt dissociated. While walking down the street I would feel like I was there, and not there at the same time. More like it was a dream or virtual reality. The only time I felt presence was generally when I was holed up in my apartment. I had one panic attack after a bad headache, I ended up breathing in a paper bag. Dr gave me a hardcore anxiety prescription that I never filled.
October, I reconnected with a high school friend about a wedding we were both attending. We ended up getting together. There was a lot of drama at first because he had a crazy ex. But we got past that thank goodness and this loving man is now my husband. Later that year I went off both the Lexapro and the birth control I was on and I seemed to get a fraction better. Within six months I was more myself than I had been in months.
I don't when the switch flipped. But sometime between June of 2010 and the beginning of 2011, my anxiety started to become health centered. I became a bad hypochondriac. I was and am still afraid that I will get sick in public or while traveling. I have to take so many precautions when I travel because I am terrified I will become ill. I don't even want to go shopping in a town an hour away because of this fear. Grocery shopping is a feat in of itself. Its ruining my life. These problems have diminished my sex drive, and my husband isn't getting the love and attention he needs because of it.
I was talking to my mom today and I think I came to a realization. I think that my life was so turbulent in 2009-2010 that I never had a chance to relax. I never got the opportunity to grieve the loss of my first love. It seems as though because I didn't have him to focus my life around I had made anxiety the center of my world. Now my life revolves around my health instead of my husband and family. When I was with my ex I wasn't in control of myself. I did what he wanted, I would have done what he asked. My health I'm in control of. I can have tests, and go to doctors, and worry about something that I control. Because I am in control of it I amplify every symptom. My life no longer centers around my ex, but now it centers around health anxiety which is just as poisonous.
I'm at this point where I really want to be better. And I thought by trying to pinpoint why I felt the way I feel it would help. What I need to do is acknowledge the loss of a love, finally grieve. Hopefully, this will help me take control of my anxiety and finally give the man I love, my husband, all of me.
Megan
My anxiety started in 2010. A lot happened the year before. I broke up with a serious on and off again boyfriend (my first real love), I moved away from home for the first time, spent part of the summer with my dad, who left me when I was 10, and his new wife. I was 20 years old, I should have been excited to go off to a new college, I should have been having adventures and making friends. But I didn't do any of that. Let me start from the beginning.
2009-2010
I had this boyfriend, who I had been seeing since I was eighteen. That relationship had a lot of drama. We broke up 3 times. It was poisonous really. He wasn't abusive. But I was so wrapped up in him that it became one of those situations where if he said jump I would. Probably would have followed him to the other side of the world. Every waking moment was about him. Then at the beginning of 2010 we broke up for the final time.
After we broke up I got myself into a string of odd... "relationships". One was a boy who was two years younger, pot smoker, loser, never going anywhere (nothing against pot smoking, but is was huge factor about who he was). That was a bust. Then a guy who I had been friends with for years... he was in a relationship so that was a confusing situation, I had never been the other woman before. Then my best friends, friend. That was more of a secret sneaking behind everyone's back type of thing, pretty sure because he didn't want to be linked with me publicly. It was a tough relationship year.
That summer after my birthday in 2010 my dad came to pick me up to take me to stay with him in Georgia for part of the summer. I was sick all the way down there because of my nerves. Couldn't eat, nauseous. My blood sugar dropped, and by the time we go to his house I was shaking. I ended up having a good time while I was there, but it was stressful being so far from home with a man who had left me and my sister.
My stress levels grew of the summer, so I went to the doctor. He told me I was like a gas tank that was already full and now the excess was pouring out. I was put on lexapro. It actually didn't help, not noticeably anyway.
In August my sister and I moved away to go to college. This is when I started to notice my anxiety was getting worse. It was the first time I had lived away from home. And at that time my ex and I were actually talking again, pretty regularly. At one point I was considering giving him another chance. Then I found out he slept with my sisters best friend and I knew I was done for good. At this point I was having pretty regular anxiety. A lot of the time I felt dissociated. While walking down the street I would feel like I was there, and not there at the same time. More like it was a dream or virtual reality. The only time I felt presence was generally when I was holed up in my apartment. I had one panic attack after a bad headache, I ended up breathing in a paper bag. Dr gave me a hardcore anxiety prescription that I never filled.
October, I reconnected with a high school friend about a wedding we were both attending. We ended up getting together. There was a lot of drama at first because he had a crazy ex. But we got past that thank goodness and this loving man is now my husband. Later that year I went off both the Lexapro and the birth control I was on and I seemed to get a fraction better. Within six months I was more myself than I had been in months.
I don't when the switch flipped. But sometime between June of 2010 and the beginning of 2011, my anxiety started to become health centered. I became a bad hypochondriac. I was and am still afraid that I will get sick in public or while traveling. I have to take so many precautions when I travel because I am terrified I will become ill. I don't even want to go shopping in a town an hour away because of this fear. Grocery shopping is a feat in of itself. Its ruining my life. These problems have diminished my sex drive, and my husband isn't getting the love and attention he needs because of it.
I was talking to my mom today and I think I came to a realization. I think that my life was so turbulent in 2009-2010 that I never had a chance to relax. I never got the opportunity to grieve the loss of my first love. It seems as though because I didn't have him to focus my life around I had made anxiety the center of my world. Now my life revolves around my health instead of my husband and family. When I was with my ex I wasn't in control of myself. I did what he wanted, I would have done what he asked. My health I'm in control of. I can have tests, and go to doctors, and worry about something that I control. Because I am in control of it I amplify every symptom. My life no longer centers around my ex, but now it centers around health anxiety which is just as poisonous.
I'm at this point where I really want to be better. And I thought by trying to pinpoint why I felt the way I feel it would help. What I need to do is acknowledge the loss of a love, finally grieve. Hopefully, this will help me take control of my anxiety and finally give the man I love, my husband, all of me.
Megan