View Full Version : killing me slowly

12-01-2005, 01:24 AM
i'm burdened with a whole host of problems but this one really bothers me at the moment. a bit of a long story i'm afraid..

i worked for a very small company (there were about eight of us) so, even though i usually worked from home, we were on a loose rota to attend the office and man the phones.

as my disorder grew i wasn't able to make it to the office as much as i should of done and, when i did, i increasingly found myself throwing up in the middle of the street (highly distressing.)

so, at 11:40 on December 18th 1999 i was forced to resign due to my 'zero contribution' to the company.

i didn't have the strength to argue or face them in court but i'm now left with feelings that really burn me.

for instance, i was the top salesman at the time (and continued to be well after i left!) i sorted out a sexual harrassment case because the Directors hadn't a clue what to do. i created the company demonstration disk (which took months of work, including my own holiday.) had to sort out all the problems of my fellow salesman (there were loads..) and, during this so called year of zero contribution, i was also given a 20% pay-rise .. that itself doesn't sound like someone who achieved nothing for the company.

i can't take them to court now, haven't contacted them to describe my anger or even dealt with these feelings.

whilst i took more days off (from the office - i was still working at home) i was still allocated double the amount of 'office days' than everyone else and, even with my days off, i attended more than anyone else anyway. in fact i added extra 'days off stickers' to the bosses wall chart to show how absurd it all was - not that it helped me, he included them in his awful reference about me to my new employer!

anyway, i want to chop the hands off of these people so they know how terrible anxiety disorder can be. they ignored my requests for help and disregarded the years of great service i gave them.

how does one come to terms with such?

12-01-2005, 03:51 AM
hmm, i have never had my own kompany, but there was this band i was in with my "good friends", for two years maybe..

We jammed everyday i made the few songs that we had, not them, I did. I always wanted to jam. I always scheduled the times, I always kalled to make sure they would show up, I always provided the place, I always provided the countless rides (when i got my kar).

I started going off the deep end, with drugs and drinking and depression and my schizoaffective disorder and agoraphobia was akting up, but i still tried to keep it together. Eventually i saw what i was doing was wrong and apologized and tried to deal with my problems, but my panic disorder still persisted. They always considered my "freak outs as "weak minded". HAHA, these guys were the same dumb bitches that cried to me when they drank too much...

They offered no help, (Now these guys were my supposed "good friends,also,...my only ones aktually) and stopped kalling me. Altogether just fucking stopped kalling. I practically spent all day with these fucks helping them out, trying to get our shit together so we kould eventually play some shows, but nope, i fucked up once and now i was was thrown out and they continued....most likely using the things i wrote. Getting credit for it.

Its all fucking right though.

I formed my own bad ass band, we practice tuesday through saturday, 2:00 pm until 7:00 pm, and things are going great.

I also joined a really known band in texas, and we already have out of town shows, and a small record label on us and some REALLY good contacts. So the more people i meet, with these guys, and i will meet alot of people, the more good komes to the other band that i started.

I write better songs, practice WAY more, already played my first show with the band i joined, and am heading towards my debut show with the band i started on December 17. I koudlnt ask for anything else....

I'm glad im not friends or bandmates with those kind of people, bekause chances are this wouldve happened eventually, so they kicked me out and i just made my own but better and i am a stronger person....

12-01-2005, 08:51 AM
damn, things sucked for both of you :? It really is disappointing when people you put your neck out for wind up treating you like crap.

In my experience, when people can't identify with my behavior or understand what I'm going through, they distance themselves from me and find some way to deal with the 'unexplainable' thing that I am.

Unfortunately I've seen people 'deal' by treating me like crap, by making fun of me, by doing nasty things behind my back which get me in trouble, or by labeling me somehow as something 'less' human than them, sometimes something almost detestable. Its almost like racism.. people being totally ignorant about the possibility of someone being different than their accepted 'norms' or somebody having actual problems they can't begin to understand.. but they sometimes simply choose to chalk it all up to fundamental character flaws, rather than real problems. And everyone has problems really, just some have more intrusive ones than others.

Anyway, you know what they say.. Forgiveness is hard to give but its better to do that than to let yourself fester in anger for the rest of your life. 'Acceptance' is also a good ideal to strive for too... rather than wishing you could change things you can't change or change people that can't be changed, its better to accept things and be 'at peace' with the way things are. Someone once said to try and be what you'd like to see in others... maybe then others will follow your example

..of course, I only say these things, I don't actually do them hehe