Anxiety causing roommate trouble

[schwartzy]

Hello,

I am a social anxiety sufferer, and it really prevents me from saying things in a rational way. For example, if Dr. Phil told somebody to get off the couch and work and I say the same thing, I would sound like a much bigger jerk. Well, in this case, I recently began rooming with a good friend of mine. However, I didn't think it'd be this much of an issue, but we have thermostat disagreements--I like it warmer near room temp and he likes it freezing cold. I can't figure out how to compromise about this. I've dropped hints, raised the stat, etc. I've tried discussing it but what I said was taken the wrong way, and I know my social anxiety is making this blow out of proportion...that a thermostat is becoming this big of a deal to me and my ability to adapt. I am willing to compromise, but I want it to be fair to us both. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm worried this could start a nasty war that I don't want because like he can't take warmer temps, I really can't take the cold, but we're in this for a year at least.

[NervousNiki]

I prefer warm, as well. Being cold seems to trigger anxiety as it causes me to have stiffness and pain. I had a roommate situation and he preferred the cold as well. Is there any way you can block off the vent to his room from the heat? That became our solution. I also had a portable heater. I just kept it in the room I was inhabiting at the moment, and it cooled down just as soon as I shut it off. It sounds like you are willing to find a solution that works well for the both of you. I hope that you do.

[schwartzy]

Thanks for the advice. Being cold tends to dry out my eyes as well, which I can't stand. I know he can't sleep with it warm so I turn it low at night for him. The ceiling fan and a/c is a double whammy for me and my eyes, but I really don't want to be "that roommate" who's always complaining about something silly like this.

Other than this, however, he's a great friend and much better roommate than my previous. I don't want to be unreasonable and ruin things, but at the same time, if I'm not comfortable I can't function properly.

Ideally, I'd like it warmer in the day with the fan off but he likes the exact opposite, and I just want to get comfortable in this new apartment so I can finally relax... I've made progress in dealing with social anxiety, but when it comes to situations like these that most guys can ask calmly and politely, I am unable to do so in a "bro-type" fashion.

[Im-Suffering]

Thanks for the advice. Being cold tends to dry out my eyes as well, which I can't stand. I know he can't sleep with it warm so I turn it low at night for him. The ceiling fan and a/c is a double whammy for me and my eyes, but I really don't want to be "that roommate" who's always complaining about something silly like this.

Other than this, however, he's a great friend and much better roommate than my previous. I don't want to be unreasonable and ruin things, but at the same time, if I'm not comfortable I can't function properly.

Ideally, I'd like it warmer in the day with the fan off but he likes the exact opposite, and I just want to get comfortable in this new apartment so I can finally relax... I've made progress in dealing with social anxiety, but when it comes to situations like these that most guys can ask calmly and politely, I am unable to do so in a "bro-type" fashion.

I want you to sit down and write out all of your thoughts, non bias, pros and cons, the reason for the compromise, your true feelings, emotions about it. I want you to put your thoughts to paper, and include what you feel a good starting point for an agreement, thorough including times, conditions/temp. Be thoughtful considerate to you both.

PUT IT TO PAPER, do you understand? You are best able to communicate clearly through the pen/paper rather than confrontation unprepared, period.

And copy it, hand the other a copy and begin discussion after they have read it.

Do this first, in all areas of your life where confrontation is needed, you are afraid of your power, or being misread or hurting someone. An epileptic feels the same way, turning the power inward to seizures. (Energy release) Do as i say and you will learn how to communicate eventually minus pen/paper.

As with Dr Phil, in your terms, its not power-over, its power-with. But if you are repressed emotionally, you will act out, as in the epileptic on himself, or...a terrorist on the world. Express, never repress, and start with the neutral state of writing, with a clear head.

This is your answer, better to take than to leave it. For your own spiritual healing, and all other readers who feel the same way, misunderstood.

[Anne1221]

i would start by trying to find something to help with your eyes when you get too cold. Then you can wear sweaters and put blankets on. I know it's incredibly unfair, but I've heard that people who have this problem often solve it by the person who wants it warmer, adding on clothing to keep warm. That's a huge hassle, and extremely unfair, but so is having a conflict with a friend...Keep this in mind...he's not being selfish or unkind...my brother has a temperature problem like that and he literally gets sick or cannot sleep if he gets too hot...so his wife lets him keep it cool and wears sweaters around the house..she says it's worth it to keep the peace...and remember this...you said it's only for a year...

[Im-Suffering]

Thanks for the advice. Being cold tends to dry out my eyes as well, which I can't stand. I know he can't sleep with it warm so I turn it low at night for him. The ceiling fan and a/c is a double whammy for me and my eyes, but I really don't want to be "that roommate" who's always complaining about something silly like this.

Other than this, however, he's a great friend and much better roommate than my previous. I don't want to be unreasonable and ruin things, but at the same time, if I'm not comfortable I can't function properly.

Ideally, I'd like it warmer in the day with the fan off but he likes the exact opposite, and I just want to get comfortable in this new apartment so I can finally relax... I've made progress in dealing with social anxiety, but when it comes to situations like these that most guys can ask calmly and politely, I am unable to do so in a "bro-type" fashion.

Make sure you read my post, 2 up. People tend to come into forums, carpet bomb threads (answer flippingly every thread in the top 10) with no useful information and ignoring not building upon the previous post, drawing your attention away, and diluting the help. Shame really. Your issue is not the temperature, that is the trigger and clue, to solve deeper issues as described in my prev post. For if the temperature debate is resolved without you fixing whats inside thats causing your anxiety (social), be cautious! You will meet these same conditions again, no exceptions.

Each time you give yourself the impetus to solve a personal issue (impetus today is the temperature issue/larger issue to solve social anxiety/human relations/self worth/validity/confidence/communication), head on, and you ignore it, or become distracted by another topic, or let the illusion of the trigger consume you (illusion is the temperature problem), each successive issue from then on will squeeze tighter as a vice grip, progressively more difficult to escape, until you must about face and deal with it, the life-issue.

[schwartzy]

I appreciate all advice given and for the different perspective, Im-Suffering. I hope to reach a fair compromise without hurting the feelings of others or disrespecting anyone in the process. He previously roomed alone, so I feared that he would be unwilling to compromise, even though we are friends.

I think the reason I'm perhaps extra sensitive about this is that I had a previous roommate who took advantage of me in many ways, but one thing we agreed on was the temperature. I think I'm still healing from that experience, and even though it's a year lease, I want to be able to enjoy it rather than dread it like the last one. I do feel that if we come to a temperature agreement, this specific situation with this person will get better. I do, however, have a long way to go with my anxiety and I hope that I can face whatever deep down is making me like this head on.

[Im-Suffering]

I appreciate all advice given and for the different perspective, Im-Suffering. I hope to reach a fair compromise without hurting the feelings of others or disrespecting anyone in the process. He previously roomed alone, so I feared that he would be unwilling to compromise, even though we are friends.

I think the reason I'm perhaps extra sensitive about this is that I had a previous roommate who took advantage of me in many ways, but one thing we agreed on was the temperature. I think I'm still healing from that experience, and even though it's a year lease, I want to be able to enjoy it rather than dread it like the last one. I do feel that if we come to a temperature agreement, this specific situation with this person will get better. I do, however, have a long way to go with my anxiety and I hope that I can face whatever deep down is making me like this head on.

Yes, the petty distractions (conflict) serve to reawaken your self awareness of the work that needs to be done! As you walk the earth, you are meant to feel good ! Anything else is a false belief about you. Do you think a flower worries over the sun, or should it get enough water underground? Do you think a flower hates itself or holds resentment for maybe it is not the prettiest of them all?

Do you think a bud planted underground should consider what if it cant make the journey as a seedling, should it never see the sun! Look at nature! Oh, there is so much to examine that you all are missing ! I tell you in a moment of grand psychic energy with an explosion greater than a rocket ship, this seedling bursts forth from its shell. Yet for one moment does it not doubt its success, ability, and the life it yet has to lead. The impetus for this desire for life and its expression is innate in you.

The way to freedom of expression and social integration for you is think the opposite ! Now, it does you no good to fake it, so you play a game!

For a few months (it has taken you years to develope your ego to where you are at), you say a few times daily, 'I am confident, i am a social butterfly, a valid part of nature and human creaturehood. I hold important things to say, and my voice is valuable, people like me and i am a good friend. I have so much to give, to contribute! If i do not change i have lost nothing !"

At the same time you picture in your image--ination moving images, movies, of you being this new identity.

Open your ears to hear, this is how your created your current self over the years, and the opposite works by the same method.