Real bad night for me, I just have to vent

[willheal]

A little warning because there's a tiny bit of medical stuff in here...


I went to go out to eat today and after I sat down I just felt this intense, deep feeling of dread so I should've known I was going to feel bad at some point today. I've started to carry some alprazolam around with me just in case it gets real bad, but I'm running low and I don't think my therapist is going to refill my prescription.

I don't know why but lately I've been having trouble turning my head to the left, and I've been having some shooting pains in my neck. I have a history of muscle issues, especially muscle tension/tearing so I think it's just that. If I kinda massage it I can turn it again but it quickly gets bad again.

These thoughts that something is wrong with me (i.e., that I'm having warning signs of something bad and I'm just ignoring them) are just so intrusive and no matter how much reassurance I get I'm never happy. I know even if I went to the hospital and got an MRI on my neck and head I would be making another appointment 2 weeks later, thinking I have an infection or something crazy. I've posted on the medication forum before but here's the deal: nothing seems to work long-term, so I'm stuck feeling like this until I pop an alprazolam, (or 2, or 2.5 depending on the severity). But it happens every day, and I don't want to be addicted to this. Especially if I run out and my doctor doesn't give me more. I think I have like 7 left (=3.5mg), and my next appointment is 2 weeks away. I'm screwed.

ahh , anyway, posting about it helps at least.

[willheal]

Also even if I don't feel like something is immediately wrong with me, sometimes that nebulous feeling of dread is so powerful and disturbing. There's nothing so profound as feeling pure intense fear, darkness and hopelessness that you just witness in your own mind in an instant. There's something about that feeling in particular that affects me a lot. It's hellish. I can't even explain it in words to others and my god how I've tried. If I could do it any amount of justice I would be a famous horror novelist.

What is the point of that? What a horrid piece of reality. I have to stop thinking about it now and try to distract myself. It's late and I need sleep. Good night folks.

[willheal]

To follow up in the mere hour since I first started composing my first message:

The Xanax fully kicked in and my perspective has completely changed. Still have some soreness in my neck (obviously muscle pain to me now, it was hard to filter out what I was experiencing before) and the acute shooting pains are gone. I feel normal again. I can't believe I get this bad. I can't believe I need to take medicine just to make me feel normal. I've had this anxiety disorder since I was a little kid and I still go through the same motions that I did then. It's like knowing about it doesn't do squat for me. Oh well. Goodnight for real this time.

[Anne1221]

Your doctor doesn't seem to want to give you an unlimited supply of Xanax, so okay, he's got to help you find an antidepressant that will work for you. That second post, that's not the anxiety alone, that's depression, so you've got to get treated for it. It sounds like you've tried a lot of things but maybe your doctor (or a different doctor) knows of some antidepressant, at some dosage that will help you. You know that medication can help (the Xanax does) but the doctor won't keep prescribing it, so I encourage you to keep trying to find something that will help. I know exactly what you meant in that second post. I felt like that a month or two ago when I got off my Lexapro. Believe me, I'm now back on it!

[willheal]

I think you're right, the depression has been getting the better of me. My appointment is coming up so I will bring it up that's probably getting worse. Thank you

[Anne1221]

I wish you the best. I think for me, the depression is secondary to the anxiety. But the more the anxiety is not being controlled the more depression I have. I've been on a lot of different antidepressants, but it was worth it because in the end, the Lexapro makes a huge difference.