rice, monkeys and perfectionism

[joey9]

Well, I feel that I have just had the final pieces of my own anxiety puzzle fall into place. I always thought that perfectionism was a product of my anxiety, but in reality I believe now that this is in fact the absolute cause of it. In fact, it has been pervasive in most aspects of my life for as long as I remember. Friendships, relationships, work - everything has always been about striving for a 'perfect life' where there are no imperfections, no mistakes, and nothing ever goes wrong. And as this is an impossibility it has also been the cause of an awful lot of anxiety, social phobia, lack of confidence and low self-esteem. I have been misdirecting the focus of my thought modification - i.e. turning negatives into positives to the wrong level. I have been attacking negative thoughts as and when they pop up without trying to deconstruct the ridiculously rigorous value system that I have. The fact that its ok to make mistakes, say the wrong thing, have a confrontation, be disappoved of etc. has finally gotten through to me. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me finally. My epiphany came when I read the following parable. I hope it helps anyone else out there who has my kind of anxiety to realise the futility of holding on to a self-destructive value system.

Here is a fable illustrating the pitfalls of value rigidity, adapted from Robert Pirsig's well-known work, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.

The "South Indian Monkey Trap" was developed by villagers to catch the ever-present and numerous small monkeys in that part of the world. It involves a hollowed-out coconut chained to a stake. The coconut has some rice inside which can be seen through a small hole. The hole is just big enough so that the monkey can put his hand in, but too small for his fist to come out after he has grabbed the rice.

Tempted by the rice, the monkey reaches in and is suddenly trapped. He is not able to see that it is his own fist that traps him, his own desire for the rice. He rigidly holds on to the rice, because he values it. He cannot let go and by doing so retain his freedom. So the trap works and the villagers capture him.

I really feel like I'm letting go of my 'rice', as it were. This forum has really helped me through a bad patch - good luck all of you with your own battles.

p.s. I'm not even going to check this post for typos.

[Getoutofmyhead]

I completely agree with you- I knew that I was a perfectionist a few years ago, but its only recently that Ive realised my anxiety is directly caused by my perfectionism and, to a lesser extent, the emotional barrier I seem to have built over the years.

For me, its not the 'getting it perfect' part of perfectionism thats linked, its the 'I must always be in control of myself' perfectionism. My anxiety comes out of nowhere, and when I try to 'control' it, it just gets worse. I then become more anxious because I've ALWAYS been able to control myself (never did drugs, smoked, or drank too much), so therefore my mind says 'wow, you can't control this pain in your side? Must be bad....'

Now, rather than stress about my symptoms, i make sure I look up on anxiety websites if what Im feeling is part of it (NEVER a medical one!), and I'm also working on loosening up, taking more chances, and doing things that I was always a little afraid to do before. My anxiety has reared its ugly head again as this has included a change of country/city, but I'm headng in the right direction....