Mockingbird
06-02-2014, 02:45 PM
I posted a few weeks ago about cutting ties with a toxic person and got great advice on how to ease my anxiety in doing so.
The gist of this story is that this person, who was once a friend, overstepped his bounds and used me.
So, I blocked his number, emails, everything because I finally got the strength to realize that I can't have this kind of influence in my life. Before, every time I tried to cut ties, he said something hateful or fed my guilt complex, apologized and dragged me back in because I was weak and vulnerable. Really, I was a freakin' idiot.
So, I hadn't heard a word in more than a month. I was feeling better, more secure in going out in public and not scared of bumping into him. I did pass him last week on the road and he glanced at me. I panicked for a moment but managed to let it go (again, using techniques that was shared on here and from my counselor.)
And then today, I come into work and he left a voicemail on my work phone where I can't block numbers. He called at 8 a.m. on Sunday. He knew I wasn't there. All the voicemail said was "Hi, *my name,*" and he hung up. It was strange and solemn sounding.
Why? Why did he do that? What was the point?
I suddenly felt like I'm back to square one. I don't know why that small, insignificant connection threw me into a tizzy. The old fears are back. I started shaking and became extremely paranoid. Now I'm afraid he'll show up at my work or try to find me at home, that he's building courage to confront me.
My counselor told me this would pass, that I shouldn't engage him because doing that will re-open the door. I really wanted to say something to him though -- to tell him to respect my space like I asked him to...I was too nice when I cut ties when I should have really torn into him and told him how he negatively affected me.
I'm just angry. Angry at myself for letting someone get to me like this, angry that I wasn't smart enough to run away from this situation sooner and angry that I was finally feeling normal again and now I'm back in panic mode.
I just want to hide in my house.
This will pass, right? I'm just so damn scared.
The gist of this story is that this person, who was once a friend, overstepped his bounds and used me.
So, I blocked his number, emails, everything because I finally got the strength to realize that I can't have this kind of influence in my life. Before, every time I tried to cut ties, he said something hateful or fed my guilt complex, apologized and dragged me back in because I was weak and vulnerable. Really, I was a freakin' idiot.
So, I hadn't heard a word in more than a month. I was feeling better, more secure in going out in public and not scared of bumping into him. I did pass him last week on the road and he glanced at me. I panicked for a moment but managed to let it go (again, using techniques that was shared on here and from my counselor.)
And then today, I come into work and he left a voicemail on my work phone where I can't block numbers. He called at 8 a.m. on Sunday. He knew I wasn't there. All the voicemail said was "Hi, *my name,*" and he hung up. It was strange and solemn sounding.
Why? Why did he do that? What was the point?
I suddenly felt like I'm back to square one. I don't know why that small, insignificant connection threw me into a tizzy. The old fears are back. I started shaking and became extremely paranoid. Now I'm afraid he'll show up at my work or try to find me at home, that he's building courage to confront me.
My counselor told me this would pass, that I shouldn't engage him because doing that will re-open the door. I really wanted to say something to him though -- to tell him to respect my space like I asked him to...I was too nice when I cut ties when I should have really torn into him and told him how he negatively affected me.
I'm just angry. Angry at myself for letting someone get to me like this, angry that I wasn't smart enough to run away from this situation sooner and angry that I was finally feeling normal again and now I'm back in panic mode.
I just want to hide in my house.
This will pass, right? I'm just so damn scared.