Just venting

[Chaized]

So I have always suffered from incredibly low self esteem, however last year I took a huge step and took part in a pagaent, I didn't win, I didn't even get in the top ten, but it gave my confidence a lovely little boost it needed.. It didn't last long but it was wonderful while it did last.

My mother has never been all that supportive and most times seems cold and distance, however once in a blue moon she'll be the complete opposite and her love will gleam.

Last night, just a normal night, she got up a Facebook page for a clothing brand I love who are holding a modelling competition- these are the rare moments of support she shows.

After hours of arguing with myself I did it; I uploaded a picture.

This morning I checked the website to see it there, for the world to see, and was petrified but battled my anxiety until my mother got home from work so at least she knew I'd tried..... Her response:

...."It's not your best picture"

My anxiety re-surfaced, my confidence shattered, and I am now back to square one once again..

[Fourteen14]

Is it possible your mother is projecting her own lack of self esteem and insecurities onto you?

[Chaized]

I have no idea what goes through her head.

She most certainly had self esteem issues herself, I could even see how extreme they were from being 13!

She adores my younger and older sister and I know if she ever said anything to make them feel the ways she makes me feel she'd say a thousand "sorry"s to make it up to them.

Thanks for your reply x

[Anne1221]

Sometimes they just don't realize the things they say and that their comments can be hurtful. I think if you could even CONSIDER submitting your picture you should feel really good about that!

[Chaized]

I suppose so.. Yeah I was so so proud of myself, but since she said that I've just felt awful and I asked the site to take the picture down and they said they can't so I'm just on edge again.. So scared..

Thank you for replying x

[Anne1221]

It's not like she said, "You look terrible. you're not pretty enough to be on that site". She might have thought to herself that it really wasn't the best representation of how you look. One time I asked my mother (who is usually very supportive) what she thought of my new hair cut. She said, "Well, hair does grow out". What she meant was that she wanted to be frank with me and just let me know I've had better hair cuts . In the meantime, just be proud of yourself. Wouldn't it be awful to send in your picture and have them reject it?! Now that would be hard.

[Chaized]

I totally get what you are saying, completely.. The frustrating thing is that she is ignorant to my lack of self confidence and it sucks... I wish She was more supportive.. What doesn't make sense is she has been working as a mental health nurse and studying it since she was 16.. She's now 52.. But she can't come to terms with my anxiety and seems to no so much hate me for it, but close.

Your comments have really helped by the way x

[Anne1221]

Yes, what we really need from those around us is compassion and understanding but often what we see is their frustration
in the fact that we aren't like everyone else. I think that's why people with anxiety come here, because others know and understand what they go through.

[Chaized]

Yeah that's why I love coming here, to vent and get everything out where people will understand-or at least try to. It's amazing!

[Mr.Andrew]

I read this whole forum...everything everyone said is interesting; it reminds me of my past, of the different stages of my anxiety issue.

When I was younger I was mad, annoyed, frustrated at the people around me. It wasn't in my head, I wasn't delusional- people reacted to me in a vary negative way.

Sometimes they were intentially mean, but most of the time it was the subtle cues that hurt my feelings the most. People were quick with me, they said things to shorten the conversation so I would just go away. Their tone and posture radiated annoyance, as if my mere presence was unacceptable. People looked at me weird and my acquaintances nonchalantly ostracized me, if every possible way.

...I spent all my thoughts and energy focusing on them. It never occurred to me that although I was not in complete control of my nervous disposition, I could make changes to elicit better responses.

Okay, let me explain: when someone had a greater day and is in a great mood, they radiate positivity. He gives change to the hobos, compliments his wife's cooking, etc. Me, I was always in a bad mood and always radiated bad vibes. I was a pessimistic, drear to be around. I always complained, I didn't take pride in my appearance; when u really looked at m life, it turns out I was playing the victim instead of fixing my problems.

Now, I still have problems, but whenever someone does something mean to me, I check to things: am I to blame and is there any way I could have done things better.

[Pumpkin]

So I have always suffered from incredibly low self esteem, however last year I took a huge step and took part in a pagaent, I didn't win, I didn't even get in the top ten, but it gave my confidence a lovely little boost it needed.. It didn't last long but it was wonderful while it did last.

My mother has never been all that supportive and most times seems cold and distance, however once in a blue moon she'll be the complete opposite and her love will gleam.

Last night, just a normal night, she got up a Facebook page for a clothing brand I love who are holding a modelling competition- these are the rare moments of support she shows.

After hours of arguing with myself I did it; I uploaded a picture.

This morning I checked the website to see it there, for the world to see, and was petrified but battled my anxiety until my mother got home from work so at least she knew I'd tried..... Her response:

...."It's not your best picture"

My anxiety re-surfaced, my confidence shattered, and I am now back to square one once again..

Sometimes our mothers (along with lots of other people) say things that they think are fine but don't realize how much they actually hurt us. I don't think your mother would intentionally want to put you down but instead maybe she thought you could take her criticism and know it was coming from someone that loves you. I think you should continue doing what you love and don't let anyone get in your way. Make yourself happy and continue working on your confidence because in the end, no one else is going to be happier than you!! :)

[Chaized]

I see what you mean Andrew, I am sometimes wary I am to blame for the negativity I seem to receive.. However sometimes I feel it is completely on their part.. Strangers I have never met, I serve in a bar, will wait for the next bar member to come along to serve them.. Even though I'm trying to be friendly, it's so frustrating. And then other people will reflect my friendliness.. I honestly feel people just find it easy to hate me before they even know my name.. It's hard, and a struggle, but hopefully one day I just won't care!

[Chaized]

And thank you pumpkin! A positive message is very much appreciated! 😄