Am I in the wrong or are my parents overreacting?

[savingkie]

I just started high school in September so my anxiety has spiked greatly throughout the year (I have pure-o OCD, emetephobia, and a little bit of hypochondria). I've always had a bit of an issue getting to school (Starting as early as 1st grade I would gag and get diarrhea before school) in fear of throwing up or getting some kind of other illness. It's been especially bad this year though, and my grades have dropped to the point where the teachers of my honors/AP classes are reccommending a level change back to regular classes. I've stopped doing basketball, soccer and volleyball (as they lost their fun-value due to the fact that I would feel super sick to my stomach prior and during the games) and I've been in a total funk where I've virtually lost interest in everything, (which no one would ever predict for me- I always used to have a bunch of hobbies and I was always happy-go-lucky), but that's beside the point.


My parents have become so fed up with my difficulties at school that it's reached a point where we have a major fight once a week (normally on the days I have issues getting to school). The issue is not so much my mom, as she really does everything in her power to help me and I don't know what I'd do without her, but it's more of my dad. He's always had a raging temper, and now that he's so "stressed out by me", it's even worse. He's called me a "******* disgrace", a delinquent, an embarrassment, a failure, and an assortment of other words. Whenever I have a really hard time going to school, he'll either scream at me through the phone (if he's at work) or in person, where he gets so angry and up in my face that he literally spits in my face. He's also punched the wall before, and if that doesn't give you a gauge on his anger, then I don't know what does. He constantly tells me the following:
-That I'm going to get held back and have to repeat the grade (Even though I'm on the honor roll still despite the drop in grades) /- That we can go to family court so CPS can take me because he can't deal with me anymore / That I'm ruining his and my mom's lives and that I should be ashamed/ That he's "punishing me because of the decisions I make about school (when all my decisions are fueled by anxiety, not the desire to be truant, I actually dislike missing school and I'm AFRAID to go opposed to just not wanting to go at all) / -That he's going to call the truancy officer on me because I'm "such a delinquent" (When I've seriously never done anything close to delinquency, I've never even gotten in the slightest bit of trouble at school before) / -That I'm ruining my life / -That I don't try hard enough and choose to give up, and even more. He's also had my phone since mid-April (I'm only allowed to use it at school, but he threatened to turn the service off today, so maybe I won't have a phone at all), he's taken my TV, taken away all access to the computer (I'm writing this via an old iPod that I have), and he told me this morning that he's selling all my concert tickets for this summer that I paid for using my own money. And honestly, I'm not even THAT disrespectful either. A typical fight between us (or at least the one today) went like this:

(First, me talking to my Mom before leaving for school)
Me: Mom, I seriously feel like I'm going to throw up (This is a legitimate complaint, as I often feel sick to my stomach due to my anxiety and I always think I have the stomach flu)
My mom: You won't, let's get to school you have five minutes
(And then five minutes pass and my mom comes back)
My mom: Okay, let's get going
Me: Mom, I really don't think I can right now I seriously don't feel well
(Somehow, my dad always manages to overhear these exchanges, like this morning he stomped up the stairs and barged his way into my room and started screaming)
My dad: (screaming) You have five minutes to get to school or else I'm shutting off your phone service and you're not going to any concerts
Me: Dad I really don't think I can I feel sick (And when I say this it's not in a feigned way or as an excuse to stay home, I'd much rather be at school with no problems)
My dad: (still screaming) You're seriously such a selfish little brat delinquent, get up right now or you'll be very sorry

And it kind of just follows the lines of that, he'll make snide and hurtful remarks and he gets extremely worked up and I try really hard to keep my calm (despite the fact that I'm normally panicking during these "fights") and I don't raise my voice or talk back, as I know that would make matters worse.



What do I do? Am I in the wrong? Please, if you think I'm doing something wrong tell me! (P.S. I've tried explaining it so many times as has my therapist, so I don't know how well talking about it again will go, as I just get rejected and told that I'm b***s*******- as it's happened many times)

[petrified]

Hi I'm sorry you are going through all this right now and as an anxiety sufferer I understand all you are saying. I'm also a parent.

My perspective on your dad is he seems frustrated with himself not you. Dads are supposed to protect their kids and help them and make everything alright. Your dad sounds frustrated as he doesn't no how to react to your anxiety he doesn't no how to make you better. I'm in no way condoning his behaviour but I truly believe he is trying his best to come up with a solution and is trying everything in his power but just going about it the completely wrong way.

You are definitely not to blame so don't believe that for a second. You sound very intelligent and like a lovely person.
Is there any way when you are having a tough day that perhaps you can do your school work at home, so you aren't falling behind?

[Kuma]

It sounds to me like some family counseling (a therapist meeting with you and both of your parents, together) could be helpful. It would allow you, and your parents, to discuss your (and their) feelings, frustrations, concerns, etc., in a protected atmosphere -- and hopefully come up with a plan that all three of you buy into for a more constructive dynamic going forward. (What I mean by a protected atmosphere is one where everyone is free to express themselves, and the discussion is less likely to turn into a shouting match).

Maybe you could raise this idea with your mother, or perhaps with your therapist. (Raising it in the first instance with your dad sounds like it might be less likely to get traction).

The path of least resistance is probably not to do this -- but instead to keep doing what you are doing and hope things get better. But this sort of troubled family dynamic does not tend to get better by ignoring it. A good family counselor could probably help all of you be happier. At least it is worth a try.

Being a teenager is tough. Being a parent of a teenager is also tough. Throwing anxiety into the mix makes it tougher. But screaming at each other won't solve the problems. Some advice and counseling might.

Best wishes, Kuma

[Anne1221]

Well, I don't see anything you're doing wrong, but of course that won't help matters much. It's such a tough situation because if someone does not have anxiety they don't understand it. They think, "Well, why can't you just do such and such"?" I think you're doing great by not yelling back and escalating the situation. On the bright side, you won't live with your parents forever and you seem smart and motivated so you will succeed well in life.