My Mother Has Cancer

[Kuma]

I had three or four days free of any significant anxiety. I got 7 hours of sleep (or more) each of these nights. I did not feel particularly tense. I thought to myself "le'ts try to make this last; it feels great" -- though in the back of my mind, I heard "something else will come along; it always does."

Then, yesterday, I found out that my otherwise-very-healthy mother has a large tumor on her leg, which the doc who read the MRI believes is metastatic cancer. They don't yet know what is the primary source of the cancer. She has an appointment with an oncologist on Monday, and I guess will try to figure that out.

I know how this all plays out, unfortunately. My dad died of cancer. I don't know how I am going to handle this.

[JohnC]

Hi Kuma,
I am sorry to here about your moms news. My parents are aged and I worry about them all the time and they do not live real close so I can not see them. It is tough when our parents suffer and it is very stressful for us kids to see that. You must try and be strong for them but you must also try and take care of yourself as well. Mentally and physically. Try not to stress too much and hopefully it will be something that they can treat effectively. I know all this is easier said than done. I am a big wimp when it comes to my parents but if you need to talk just ask I am always on here or I usually check in daily.
Good luck to you and your mom

[Penguin]

Hi Kuma, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I can't even imagine the pain and anxiety you're going through. My dad isn't really in my life all that much now, but my mom is my life and I can't imagine what i'd do without her. I'm only 18 and she is 52 and i've been worrying about her dying ever since I was a little girl. I was always worrying and after realizing how much time I had spent worrying and being anxious, I realized this was precious time lost that I could have happily been spending with her. Although now I still get anxious when thinking about my mom dying, I always try to remember that this is a fear everyone faces and it usually doesn't happen for a VERY VERY VERY LONG time. Your mother might have cancer, but you need to remember all of the great health care we have nowadays and how many people are able to beat cancer. I'm wishing you and your mom the very best right now. Try and stay positive and spend as much time as you can with your mother because this alone can make a huge difference in your mothers strength and positivity. God bless!!!

[Dahila]

Kuma welcome to the forum. It is bad news but before she sees oncologist , try to stay positive, it is not easy though.

[Kuma]

Thanks John and Dahila. It is hard to stay positive and not stress to much, but I am trying. Thanks to you too, Penguin. With your mom being 52, you should have MANY years left with her in good health. Enjoy those years. I am closer to your mom's age -- so you should not face these issues for a very long time.

[Dahila]

Kuma there is always hope, you can not do anything,,,but I think she would love you to have a healthy and happy life. Whatever happens tell us. On the other forum I frequent, it has nothing to do with anxiety, our friend was loosing his mom. Everyone was helping him to survive the time. I strongly believe that the constant support gave him some relieve. She died two years ago but he spend the best time with her. ... He was there for her, and she was giving him love to the very end. he is ok now much stronger and managing better in life.
I still hope there will be some treatment. My brothers is fighting with cancer more than ten years and still kicking....Do not lose hope. Try to be positive for her:) Keep us posted please.

[shdwfx989899]

Hi Kuma. I'm so sorry for your bad news but I hope the oncologist's news isn't as bad as you think it will be. I too dread and worry constantly about my Mom and other loved ones getting old. I truly hope you get some better news very soon.

[Kuma]

Thanks for your support. I am seeing that this is a good forum. As with many of us, I suspect, my parents have been the one "constant" in my life. The only people who loved me without expecting anything in return. The only people who were always glad to see me not because of what I can do for them. I lost my dad about 5 years ago, but I thought my mom would be around for a long time, since she was (we thought) in great health, good physical shape, good genes. My kids said "grandma will never get old." Recently, I have discussed my anxiety with my mom -- a subject I otherwise pretty much keep to myself. She is completely non-judgmental about it and only wants what is best for me. The thought of losing her is incredibly hard for me to contemplate. (In part because the last few years have been a tough time for me -- the hardest of my life -- and I feel like this could be the last straw).

A therapist I previously saw, for CBT, told me studies have shown that although people with anxiety tend to over-estimate risk (eg., the guy who won't drive over a bridge because he is afraid it will crater -- not internalizing the fact that the odds of that are less than one in a billion), when it comes to dealing with "real" problems, as opposed to worries, people with anxiety are no worse at that than people without anxiety. I hope he is right, but I am not sure. I guess we will see....

About my mom's illness, I am feeling the same sort of anxiety I have felt about other things in the past (manifesting itself in a tense feeling, inability to focus on anything else, sleeplessness, nervousness) -- plus profound sadness. It is a tough combination.

Some say "hope for the best", "maybe it will turn out better than you expect," "don't jump to conclusions", etc. Unfortunately, although I am not a doctor, I have a reasonably good understanding of medical science, an ability to read and understand medical literature, and a background in statistics, which makes it hard for me to "hope against the odds." Sometimes I wish I knew less...

[JohnC]

Kuma,
I know where you come from. I am the same way about my parents.

[Kuma]

An update: Turns out my mother has lung cancer that spread to bone. She had surgery for the bone, but now must turn to the primary cancer. The prognosis for metastatic lung cancer is not very good. She is in a different city. I will travel there often. Every week, if I can. As you can imagine, this situation is a major anxiety trigger. But I feel sort of ridiculous whining about anxiety when my mother is dealing with cancer.

[Anne1221]

Kuma, so, so sorry to hear of this news.

[JohnC]

Hi Kuma,
You most defently should not feel silly about having anxiety over your mother. I can not think of to many more stressfull things to have to go through in life then what you are now going through. Be strong for her and we are here for you.