Penguin
05-12-2014, 01:09 AM
Just joined the forum and after browsing some threads i've found some comfort in knowing there's others amongst me with some of the same issues.
I'm 18 years old and ever since I can remember i've struggled with anxiety and being insecure. I've got a very low self esteem. My anxiety started as a little girl around the time my parents had split up. I was 5 years old when my parents split and I had lived with my mom. I remember crying for hours on end up until I was about 10 whenever she would go out for the night with friends and i'd have to stay with my grandmother. I was so worried that something bad would happen to her and she'd die and I couldn't get ahold of her. Even on the first day of school up until grade 6.. i'd cry so badly and need to go home with her because I was so scared of leaving her and being in a new environment. These feelings started to calm down but still to this day I constantly worry about losing my mom and the thought of her dying makes me so sick. I wouldn't be here if my mom wasn't. I know a lot of people get worried by this thought but my fear has really ruined a lot of experiences for me. I never went on any overnight trips at school until I was in grade 11 and I never stayed at a friends overnight willingly until I hit grade 9. In grade 12, I never went on the week long grad trip and going on a 2 night post-grad trip was a huge struggle although I did end up going in the end. Leaving my mom and being in a new environment i'm not familiar stressed me out so badly that I can't enjoy myself. I worry about things like "what time will I shower, what time will I wake up, will I have enough time to get ready for things while im there" etc. All the thoughts just run through my head and really ruin my time.
I'm also a germaphobe which is very stressful. I am quite sure I have OCD because I like things to be clean and I tend to check things a lot. I wash my hands constantly and people touching my bare skin makes me cringe a lot of the time. My hands are extremely dry from excessive washing as I sit here typing this thread. I change my pillow case every night because I don't like my face touching a used pillow case regardless of it being dirty or not. I also check things quite frequently, mainly my alarm clock. I'm so afraid of having to goto school or work the next day and not waking up for my alarm so i'll set MULTIPLE alarms on my iPhone, my bedside table alarm clock and i'm also starting to ask my mom to wake me up if I know that i'll have a hard time in the morning due to few hours of sleep the previous night. I'm always so worried i'll subconsciously shut off my alarms and not wake up in time for a shift resulting in my being late and getting into trouble and potentially losing my job, even though it's just part time retail work. I used to a strict ritual that i'd complete every night, which I still do to some degree (plugging my phone in, checking alarms in certain order and some other weird crap I can't explain) but i've slowly dropped the praying mostly because i'd get very OCD about saying things properly in my head and wanted to focus more on getting to sleep and checking my alarms. VERY STRESSFUL.
My life is just very stressful. I worry about things a lot of people don't worry about. I like to have things planned out to ensure I have enough time to do things like get to work on time, socialize, sleep and have personal time but sometimes i'll have to ditch my friends plans and get home to start getting ready for the next day whereas a lot of them can just go with the flow and not worry about what's next. I start college in september which is another thing that i'll have to add to my plate which scares me. Work is already very stressful and each shift I usually get an uneasy and stressed out feeling while doing things like cleaning the store and/or giving back correct change to customers when i'm working the cash register because if my till is short at the end of the night i'll get in trouble and potentially lose my job.
I laugh when i'm with my friends and I often do have a good time but deep down i'm not happy. I'm stressed, anxious and so insecure. I hate the way I look and i'm not confident. I've never had a boyfriend and I feel so ugly no matter what people tell me. Constant thoughts go through my head.. "you're ugly and fat and your hair is ugly and your clothes suck and you look so run down and manly"... all these thoughts drown me everyday and it's really hard to be confident for me.
I don't know where to turn or what to do next. I feel that going to a doctor about my anxiety won't be able to fix things. I want to worry less but at the same time, if I start letting go and going with the flow then things will turn to a disaster at work and school. "If I didn't set all my alarms then i'd risk getting to work or school on time and if I don't go home early and ditch my friends I won't have enough time to shower and sleep." I can't see my life ever changing or being easier because this is how i've been for so long and I can't really picture anything different. This is how I function and this is what works for me although it's stressing the hell out of me. One thing that calms me is the thought of death and knowing theres always a way out, although I don't think i'd ever commit suicide. When things get hard, I often think about suicide but never a plan on how to do it. The thought of knowing that there is an end to all suffering is a peaceful feeling.
I often snap on people and lose my temper because i'm so stressed out. I'm easily annoyed and I worry about everything which can lead to my heart racing and stomach aches. My anxiety hasn't gotten much better over the years which scares me seeing as i've read a lot about it only getting worse. I don't know what to do!!! Do you guys have any tips or advice for someone like me?
Thank you so much for reading my novel lol. I'm looking forward to being apart of this forum
I'm 18 years old and ever since I can remember i've struggled with anxiety and being insecure. I've got a very low self esteem. My anxiety started as a little girl around the time my parents had split up. I was 5 years old when my parents split and I had lived with my mom. I remember crying for hours on end up until I was about 10 whenever she would go out for the night with friends and i'd have to stay with my grandmother. I was so worried that something bad would happen to her and she'd die and I couldn't get ahold of her. Even on the first day of school up until grade 6.. i'd cry so badly and need to go home with her because I was so scared of leaving her and being in a new environment. These feelings started to calm down but still to this day I constantly worry about losing my mom and the thought of her dying makes me so sick. I wouldn't be here if my mom wasn't. I know a lot of people get worried by this thought but my fear has really ruined a lot of experiences for me. I never went on any overnight trips at school until I was in grade 11 and I never stayed at a friends overnight willingly until I hit grade 9. In grade 12, I never went on the week long grad trip and going on a 2 night post-grad trip was a huge struggle although I did end up going in the end. Leaving my mom and being in a new environment i'm not familiar stressed me out so badly that I can't enjoy myself. I worry about things like "what time will I shower, what time will I wake up, will I have enough time to get ready for things while im there" etc. All the thoughts just run through my head and really ruin my time.
I'm also a germaphobe which is very stressful. I am quite sure I have OCD because I like things to be clean and I tend to check things a lot. I wash my hands constantly and people touching my bare skin makes me cringe a lot of the time. My hands are extremely dry from excessive washing as I sit here typing this thread. I change my pillow case every night because I don't like my face touching a used pillow case regardless of it being dirty or not. I also check things quite frequently, mainly my alarm clock. I'm so afraid of having to goto school or work the next day and not waking up for my alarm so i'll set MULTIPLE alarms on my iPhone, my bedside table alarm clock and i'm also starting to ask my mom to wake me up if I know that i'll have a hard time in the morning due to few hours of sleep the previous night. I'm always so worried i'll subconsciously shut off my alarms and not wake up in time for a shift resulting in my being late and getting into trouble and potentially losing my job, even though it's just part time retail work. I used to a strict ritual that i'd complete every night, which I still do to some degree (plugging my phone in, checking alarms in certain order and some other weird crap I can't explain) but i've slowly dropped the praying mostly because i'd get very OCD about saying things properly in my head and wanted to focus more on getting to sleep and checking my alarms. VERY STRESSFUL.
My life is just very stressful. I worry about things a lot of people don't worry about. I like to have things planned out to ensure I have enough time to do things like get to work on time, socialize, sleep and have personal time but sometimes i'll have to ditch my friends plans and get home to start getting ready for the next day whereas a lot of them can just go with the flow and not worry about what's next. I start college in september which is another thing that i'll have to add to my plate which scares me. Work is already very stressful and each shift I usually get an uneasy and stressed out feeling while doing things like cleaning the store and/or giving back correct change to customers when i'm working the cash register because if my till is short at the end of the night i'll get in trouble and potentially lose my job.
I laugh when i'm with my friends and I often do have a good time but deep down i'm not happy. I'm stressed, anxious and so insecure. I hate the way I look and i'm not confident. I've never had a boyfriend and I feel so ugly no matter what people tell me. Constant thoughts go through my head.. "you're ugly and fat and your hair is ugly and your clothes suck and you look so run down and manly"... all these thoughts drown me everyday and it's really hard to be confident for me.
I don't know where to turn or what to do next. I feel that going to a doctor about my anxiety won't be able to fix things. I want to worry less but at the same time, if I start letting go and going with the flow then things will turn to a disaster at work and school. "If I didn't set all my alarms then i'd risk getting to work or school on time and if I don't go home early and ditch my friends I won't have enough time to shower and sleep." I can't see my life ever changing or being easier because this is how i've been for so long and I can't really picture anything different. This is how I function and this is what works for me although it's stressing the hell out of me. One thing that calms me is the thought of death and knowing theres always a way out, although I don't think i'd ever commit suicide. When things get hard, I often think about suicide but never a plan on how to do it. The thought of knowing that there is an end to all suffering is a peaceful feeling.
I often snap on people and lose my temper because i'm so stressed out. I'm easily annoyed and I worry about everything which can lead to my heart racing and stomach aches. My anxiety hasn't gotten much better over the years which scares me seeing as i've read a lot about it only getting worse. I don't know what to do!!! Do you guys have any tips or advice for someone like me?
Thank you so much for reading my novel lol. I'm looking forward to being apart of this forum