Newbie!

[neescee]

new here but not new to anxiety. Mine started at the end of a controlling abusive marriage 14 years ago where I was left with little self and little self esteem. I am proud to say that I have come so far from that self-less voice-less little housewife with no self esteem. I am now a homeowner, work in a corporate environment, have 2 grown sons, friends and a good life.

So what's my problem?! I have intense anxiety when I am not in a relationship. Which in turn leads me to make bad choices in men. (not horrible jerry springer type things) but I've been involved with a cheaters, narcissists and recently 10 days out of a long relationship with someone who was very controlling & critical. Happy to say I recognize the signs sooner each time and I can extricate myself but I am left in extreme anxiety and self doubt. In the past I have returned to bad relationships just to stop the pain only to relive the same break up all over again. I have learned some challenging lessons that I need to give myself credit for.

I am good at staying busy but it's not realistic to be on the run all the time. I can tell it's me I am running from. At times I realize I just need to sit through the pain but honestly at times it overwhelms and frightens me.
My goal is be just OK with me. . I have been at this very place so many time I've lost count. Years of therapy as well only to find myself here again. It can be debilitating. The most difficult times is when I am home alone and need to take care of basic chores. Busy work is great but my thoughts start to spiral and end up in bed escaping into to mindless tv shows. Basic self care can be hard at times like this.

I hope I can learn from some of your experiences and offer support to those who are in need as well.
Thanks for the space, Denise

[JohnC]

Hi Denise,
Welcome to the forum. I know what you mean about alone time and being OK with me thing. I struggle with that and always seems like when my mind is idle I have anxiety or panic attack. I am sorry your meeting some bad guy's ( trying to teach my oldest daughter about guy's ). But were not all that way, I promiss. Good luck and never hesitate to ask for help.

[Cullingford]

Hi Denise nice to meet you and welcome to the forum.

[neescee]

Hi Denise,
Welcome to the forum. I know what you mean about alone time and being OK with me thing. I struggle with that and always seems like when my mind is idle I have anxiety or panic attack. I am sorry your meeting some bad guy's ( trying to teach my oldest daughter about guy's ). But were not all that way, I promiss. Good luck and never hesitate to ask for help.


Thank you John for your nice reply. This is my second weekend post break up and I am really having a hard time. Is there anything you do that helps you get through your bad days? I need to start getting ready to take my Mom out for a mothers day dinner. Just basic things such as getting ready seems like a mountain to climb. Good job with the daughter btw.
A father's influence is precious.

[neescee]

Hi Denise nice to meet you and welcome to the forum.

Thank you!

[JohnC]

Hi Denise,
I do not have a good answer yet for what to do. I really just try and stay busy but that even seems like a chore sometime's. I try to work outside around the house, weather permitting. One thing I have been looking at is meditation ( not as easy as i thought ). Dahlia has a thread called Guided meditation and I think that you should check it out. Keep in touch and I am always checking in but I do not have a smart phone ( yet ) so it's just my laptop or work comp.
As far as guy's go and dating and all that stuff. You will meet some one and it will probably be on accident or when your not even trying so stop worring about it and put all those other asses out of your head. It will all fall into place for you.

[needtogetwell]

Hi Denise,

I have read your post. Welcome!!!!

I am at work right now but will give you my thoughts either at lunch or after work.

Know this, you are on the right track with your thinking, now you just need to fine tune it a bit.

Cheers
Pam

[neescee]

Hi Denise,

I have read your post. Welcome!!!!

I am at work right now but will give you my thoughts either at lunch or after work.

Know this, you are on the right track with your thinking, now you just need to fine tune it a bit.

Cheers
Pam


Good Morning Pam and thank you
Can't wait to hear what you have to say. .
Denise

[neescee]

[{{As far as guy's go and dating and all that stuff. You will meet some one and it will probably be on accident or when your not even trying so stop worring about it and put all those other asses out of your head. It will all fall into place for you.[/QUOTE]

Thanks John, I will look up the meditation. As far as dating. I can't imagine it right now. I need to learn to content on my own. I see the anxiety of being alone causes me to not make the best decisions in partners. The anxiety isn't just break up related anyway. . . It's been a ongoing issue for me, just more acute because of circumstances. Enjoy your Sunday!

[petrified]

Hi Denise and welcome to the forum.

I really can't offer you any advice about your break up but I'm there with you with the whole anxiety thing.
I do agree that it might be best for you to take some time out for yourself although that might seem really difficult right now especially with your break up still being fairly fresh.

Meditation is really something to look at although I'm really new to that at the moment but I no it has helped a lot of people cope with anxiety/depression. I would also suggest perhaps seeing a councillor or therapist to help you work on your self esteem.

As for having no energy and everything, no matter how small feeling like a massive chore I've found the best thing is to just push through the feelings and do it. Once I have I usually feel much better for it.

Sorry I wasn't more helpful but welcome again and I hope you enjoyed your Mother's Day :-)

Hannah

[neescee]

Sorry I wasn't more helpful but welcome again and I hope you enjoyed your Mother's Day :-)

Hannah

Thank you Hannah. Just knowing that there are others who have the same experiences helps.
Thank you for the kind words. Mornings are the worst but today is better than yesterday.
Time to pull my big girl panties up and get some things done. . .
Happy Mothers day to you too. . if it applies:)

[needtogetwell]

Hi again Denise,

First question I have for you, how old are you? I ask this not to be nosy, but rather to either validate or discount a line of thinking I have.

You and I aren't too different I think, I too tossed my lazy ass 1st husband out after 14 years marriage! What a relief that was. My life is immeasurably better without him, I think you would agree yours is too without yours.

So, I said you were on the right track with your thinking and you are absolutely right, you need to be happy with you, before adding another person to the equation. You have done really really well for yourself, you have a house, a job, and grown kids! Wow! That's exceptional. Give yourself a huge amount of credit. Many many women don't fare so well.

I am going to suggest a little exercise for you to do. Pen and paper required. Think back over the time since you and your ex parted. I want you to write down all the positive things you have done since then. Every little thing counts. Ie: went to child's event on my own, got a job, wrote resume, paid mortgage this month. You get what I mean, nothing is insignificant. The list will likely be quite lengthy.

Now, once you are done, look over that list and congratulate yourself for each and every item. I know, your thinking I have completely lost my marbles, trust me. The objective here is to visually see all of the successes you have had over time. For whatever the reason, we tend to focus on the negative things in our life. The failures or our short comings, it's easy, they can be imprinted on our brains and we easily return to those feelings when we experience something similar, really all we accomplish doing that is making ourselves feel bad or inadequate.

Your list is a solid reminder of the good you have done, for yourself, and for others. Stick it up somewhere you can see it every day. Read it often and add to it each day, and do not add anything which is negative. Every day we have something positive, sometimes we have to look hard for it but it's there.

Now for the anxiety issue. Based on how you answer my first question, I will go down one of 2 paths, but until then, what I suggest to you now is applicable to either.

Certain vitamins can help anxiety issues in a huge way.

B-complex : if you don't have any, get some. Take 1 daily.

Calcium/magnesium: many people here have had relief by taking magnesium. I certainly have, I suggest calcium/magnesium combination as I find that straight magnesium does really funky things to my intestinal tract, but the combination doesn't. Another option is Epsom salts for the bath. This works quite well but not quite as well as the suplements.

Omega3's: this works to calm your brain and helps the neurotransmitters work better.

With these vitamins, daily meditation, and good sleep I am virtually anxiety free.

My lunch time is pretty much over, but I will continue this later.

Hope your day is going well.
Pam