Anxiety and relationships

[superchick22684]

I decided that it was time for me to post on this topic because the one thing that my anxiety has been having the most impact on in my life if relationships with others particularly my boyfriend. I'll give a little background, we've been dating for about a year and he does not having anxiety but he does have Asperger's. At the beginning of our relationship the anxiety really wasn't a problem, it was there but wasn't a huge issue. In the last 6 months it has become such a problem that I've gone back to therapy. It came down to the fact that he told me if I didn't go to therapy he didn't know how much longer he could deal with it.
We seem to have a continuing problem, sometimes with no provocation or just the tiniest thing happens I'll get really upset. It almost feels like mentally a switch has been thrown and I can't shut it off. This basically results in me either leaving his house or wherever we may be spending time and getting in my car and driving away. Believe me I know its not the most mature way to deal with things but that's just how my body responds. In some cases (like what happened last night), I will completely emotionally shut down and become very distant. Last night for example I refused to have any physical contact with him (hugs, kisses) before we parted for the evening.
This behavior has lessened since I've gone back to therapy but I NEED it to go away, it has to disappear. Its taking a massive toll on my relationship.
I also struggle with believing that he actually going to stick around despite what I like to call my "quirks." I constantly fear that I'm going to wake up in the morning and he's just going to throw in the towel and give up on me. So whenever things like what I mentioned about happen the thing that always comes out of my mouth is "Are you breaking up me?" and I hate that. That then snowballs into him thinking that I'm going to break up with him which equals one more disagreement.
So here comes the point of my post (sorry it took so long to get here), how has anxiety affected your romantic relationships and those around you? How do you deal with that? Also I'm open to any advice anyone has in terms of how to deal with any of the issues that I mentioned above.

Crystal

[JaneDoe27]

Hi Crystal, I urge you to try and really explain to your boyfriend what you are thinking and feeling when you act like this/have strong anxiety thinking. I don't have anxiety but my boyfriend does and it has caused great strain in our relationship, including 3 break ups. However, now that he is able to verbalize and be honest about what is going on in his head during the difficult/anxious episodes, things are much better. When I didn't know what was going on, his behaviours made me very unhappy and caused me to doubt everything about us. I felt very rejected and confused.

[oban]

Hi Crystal, I urge you to try and really explain to your boyfriend what you are thinking and feeling when you act like this/have strong anxiety thinking. I don't have anxiety but my boyfriend does and it has caused great strain in our relationship, including 3 break ups. However, now that he is able to verbalize and be honest about what is going on in his head during the difficult/anxious episodes, things are much better. When I didn't know what was going on, his behaviours made me very unhappy and caused me to doubt everything about us. I felt very rejected and confused.

Boy, can I ever relate to a lot of this. I'm trying to decide if I should start cymbalta. I began noticing anxiety and maybe mild depression back when I was about 9 or so. Dad used to spank me with a belt when I misbehaved when I was younger, and I'm not sure if this has an affect on me now, but my growing up was always very happy. Basically, I am an only child, and I have always had guilt, and my wife says I am very irritable, and not nice to be around sometimes. When something upsets me, I have stormed out of the house, and when something I feel is not right I get so angry my brain just fumes for a couple of hours and then later when I cool down I feel so bad when I realize that I shouldn't have acted that way, but for my wife, the damage is done. We were so in love, but incidents like this build and build, and she has given me several ultimatums since. I was on concerta, but it used to ramp up my anxiety.

[superchick22684]

Oban,
I know what you mean about the guilt after storming out. Every time I get upset and drive away it doesn't take but maybe a hour for intense guilt to hit me. I'm not currently medicated but if I can't figure out how to stop this behavior with therapy alone then going back on meds will probably be the next step. Looking at the behavior itself I can remember having the same habits/behavior before I went on meds the last time.
Also thank you so much JaneDoe27 for your response, I'm going to try to communicate more of what I'm thinking to him when I feel anxious.

Crystal

[brittany32888]

Oban,
I know what you mean about the guilt after storming out. Every time I get upset and drive away it doesn't take but maybe a hour for intense guilt to hit me. I'm not currently medicated but if I can't figure out how to stop this behavior with therapy alone then going back on meds will probably be the next step. Looking at the behavior itself I can remember having the same habits/behavior before I went on meds the last time.
Also thank you so much JaneDoe27 for your response, I'm going to try to communicate more of what I'm thinking to him when I feel anxious.

Crystal

I can definitely relate to this. I believe I've always had anxiety, it seems to come in waves. But after having my son, then having ppd, my anxiety escalated. Even though my bf and I had been together more than 2 years by the time it got really bad, it was his first real experience with my anxiety, and he just couldn't handle it. He thought I had just suddenly turned into some monster, like he didn't know what he got himself into. Telling me I wasn't the same person. We had a lot of explosive arguments. It was scary for a while. I think over time we had realized better ways to deal with each other, so it's definitely not perfect, it's better. But we had an argument today, that reflects how he still just doesn't understand my anxiety, and how it sometimes causes me to be introverted. He thought that I was being rude and ignoring(his words) some friends of his that helped him move some furniture last night. I politely said hi and introduced myself. Then went into the room where they were taking the bed so I could look at. He thought I had just disappeared. I still think it's stupid. But whatever. So it turned into some 3 hour argument via text(not the only thing we were arguing about btw) but now it's completely turned upside down. And I've reverted back to feeling insecure about myself knowing that's what he thinks of me. I do also fear one day he'll just give up. I understand it's a lot of work "dealing" with an anxious person. I just hope I will have the chance to prove to him that it was all worth it. Sometimes I don't know if I will.

[brittany32888]

And to add onto that, sometimes I feel, at least for me, it's impossible to express how u truly feel, much less explain it. Most of the time, you don't know why you're reacting that way, or it doesn't make sense, or to an average person may seem really petty or stupid. It's hard translating an anxious mind for someone who can't relate.

[oban]

And to add onto that, sometimes I feel, at least for me, it's impossible to express how u truly feel, much less explain it. Most of the time, you don't know why you're reacting that way, or it doesn't make sense, or to an average person may seem really petty or stupid. It's hard translating an anxious mind for someone who can't relate.

I know what you and everyone is feeling. Your mind is racing, you argue with your loved one and lose your s*** and then feel terrible. You ask yourself what the hell you were thinking. I worry my wife is going to find or look for another man because of my irritability. Why can't I just turn this off? Is this what anxiety is? I guess what I am asking is if I need the meds, and what it would it do to me?

[JaneDoe27]

My boyfriend often can't explain what he is thinking and feeling either but he can say "I am feeling very anxious today". Sometimes he will ask for a day to himself. sometimes he wants me around but wants me to understand he is not having a good day. This does help me and our relationship very much. Even if he can't exactly verbalize what is making him anxious. I have made a huge effort to try and understand anxiety and learn not to take it personally but it wasn't easy. At first, he was too embarrassed to admit to his issues, however, trust me, it is much easier for us now that things are in the open.

[oban]

Well, I have to say that irritability, getting 'stuck' on issues I just can't let go of, and not being patient around the kids is my biggest downfall. I ruminate on things, and I am lazy. The kids notice it.

[superchick22684]

My boyfriend often can't explain what he is thinking and feeling either but he can say "I am feeling very anxious today". Sometimes he will ask for a day to himself. sometimes he wants me around but wants me to understand he is not having a good day. This does help me and our relationship very much. Even if he can't exactly verbalize what is making him anxious. I have made a huge effort to try and understand anxiety and learn not to take it personally but it wasn't easy. At first, he was too embarrassed to admit to his issues, however, trust me, it is much easier for us now that things are in the open.

This basically sounds almost exactly how the relationship is with me and my boyfriend. We've gotten to the point lately where sometimes I ask for a day to myself because I get to the point where I'm so stressed out. I hate to admit it but this seems to be happening more frequently. I'm trying not to ruminate over that though because its just going to make the anxiety even worse.
I'm also in the same boat as your boyfriend in that honestly its hard to put into words what is going on inside by head. I've had a few panic attacks lately where my boyfriend just sat there and held my hand because there was literally nothing else he could do. He's not yet to the point where he realizes I can't communicate with him during the panic attack. He sometimes sits there and asks me what's going on and I literally cannot respond because I can't breathe.
I'm still working on trying to get my boyfriend to realize that he shouldn't take my anxiety personally. Unfortunately I have not only anxiety but depression as well and they feed off of each other. When I'm depressed he takes it personally and feels like its his fault that I'm not happy or that he's failed me in some way. Something that is helping is that he's been doing research on anxiety and depression to figure out what he can do to be supportive. However with that comes the fear that someday he's going to look at me and all that he's going to see is the anxiety and depression.

[Anne1221]

I think your boyfriend is amazing to be so supportive which means he cares deeply about you. The fact that he is reading about anxiety and depression is a good sign because it means he really wants to have this relationship with you. Keep the lines of communication open and keep giving him positive feedback. Tell him how much it helps just to have him holding your hand, or the fact that he is trying to understand it all. Let him know how much of a difference that makes!

[Penguin]

I'm 18 years old and never been in a real relationship with a boy. A lot of my friends throughout highschool dated boys here and there but I never did. I was always too scared to get close to a boy because i've never believed that anyone could actually like me. I feel like i'm a lot to deal with... I get cranky at times and very irritated but other times i'm happy and so cheerful. I've never imagined a boy to actually like me for anything other than sex. I guess that's just me being insecure and hard on myself but i'm way too afraid to get close to a boy because I can only picture a bad outcome. I wish I could find someone that would respect my space on bad days and let me just be alone when i'm feeling off. Anxiety is really hard to live with and it ruins so many aspects of life. I've been learning to cope with it but as i'm getting older i'm starting to worry about marriage and if i'm ever going to find someone for me. I'm such a picky person and having OCD doesn't make things better.

[Joshua12]

hey there

everyone in this world faced anxiety at some point of tier life. I have been there too. My gf broke up with me due to my constant anxiety, especially social anxiety. After she left I realized that I cant lose more people in my life. decided to give expert help a chance and I am go glad I did it. I went to socialanxietyexperts. com and they completely cured me . I am dating now days so if you know someone single just ping me :p

[oban]

Penguin, so much like me- and I'm 37 (male). Cranky and irritable, yet very happy and cheerful at times. Anxiety is almost manageable when you're single and you do what you want, but when you're married and you have the demands of a family it gets multiplied. My wife tells me that I will argue with her over almost everything. I have mild OCD sometimes (mostly obsessive) and anxiety, but I'm not afraid of germs or going outside or people or anything like that. I was picky too. I love my wife, but I wonder if I made the right choice as we're different. But I wonder if that's a part of OCD in relationships...it's hard to figure out.