Blitzy
05-18-2008, 05:19 PM
Hey people. I'm new on this forum. I've been reading throughout some posts but couldn't find anything like my situation. So here it goes :
I have self-esteem issues. I'm not afraid of talking to people or anything. In fact, I work out, I have a lot of friends, I feel normal when I talk to ppl I don't know, I never doubt my personality or appereance...
... but it's like if I always have to proove myself and that brings a lot of anxiety to me.
It all started in highschool when I was putting too much pressure on myself for grades and University, etc. Well, I got accepted into what I wanted and I'm now a University Student. My dream was becoming a military. Well, I served in the Reserves for about an year and had to quit because of my anxiety. I did not want to tell any of the staff there what I had. Simple reason :
When I have to do something on the other day, I get freaked out that I won't fall asleep. It will make me dizzy, I will not perform well, I will f*ck up somewhere. Then the next question pops out in my head : what will happen if I have to stay there for more than a day? If I don't fall asleep the first night I will make it, but what about the second one ... the third one ... while I think about that I become extremely anxious. Not as bad as before, I almost fainted on few occasions.
The thought of not falling asleep, thus not performing well is just killing me. Whatever it is. Even If I want to go camping, '' Will I fall asleep there ? What If I'm tired ? I won't be able to drive back home.". That kind of thinking really destabilizes me mentally. I am not handicapped because of my anxiety but I can hardly concentrate when anxious.
Another example could be ... my drivers license. First time I was so anxious that I wouldn't fall asleep, I stood awake for 4 hours and took diazepam. Well, I failed the exam since the pill made me dizzy on the other day. Then I said to myself, screw it, If I fail it I don't care. IN a month I retook the test, Managed to fall asleep and passed the test.
All the time when I say '' F**k it'', I do it without problems.
That damn thought about me falling asleep is just like a curse. What If I sleep in barracks , HOW am I going to fall asleep. Really, really stupid way of thinking.
I went to see a psychologist. I'm still in therapy, but so far I'm not for medication. She said I lack self-esteem because of my upbringing (father was working far away, mother was pressuring me into studies) - > I never did anything manual, and was rejected by my family when I wanted to do something. So I grew up without having self-esteem, the kind that you need to be sure you'll make it.
Now in University, I am no longer anxious. I don't give a damn If I won't fall asleep for the exam, because I've done a few times and I've made it so far.
School is one thing. I want to get a normal job at a gas station this summer. " How am I gonna make it every day !??! It will be impossible. University yeah, I did an year not lots of sleep but ... work is different. I have to perform. I don't want to get fired. I'll die in shame.". I think that you get what is going on in my head ... anything that has to do with studying and exams does not stress me at all. Not even final tests. When I do them, my pulse is the same as at rest . I start thinking about WORK or HAVING TO DO SOMETHING, bam, pulse goes up by at least 15/min, shortness of breath, dizzyness, and insomnia.
I jsut don't know what to do. I've been like this for the past two years. No matter what I do to improove my self esteem, it always comes back at me with severe anxiety. I'm not depressed, but I feel worthless and a loser compared to my friends. They work hard, never complain about it. I'm afraid of being a reject, a loser in life. And the thought of sleep makes me anxious all the time. I'm even afraid to go on a vacation -> probly I won't be able to '' make it''.
Sorry for the long post and sorry if I made some mistakes. English is my third language.
Thank you for reading this.
Stan
I have self-esteem issues. I'm not afraid of talking to people or anything. In fact, I work out, I have a lot of friends, I feel normal when I talk to ppl I don't know, I never doubt my personality or appereance...
... but it's like if I always have to proove myself and that brings a lot of anxiety to me.
It all started in highschool when I was putting too much pressure on myself for grades and University, etc. Well, I got accepted into what I wanted and I'm now a University Student. My dream was becoming a military. Well, I served in the Reserves for about an year and had to quit because of my anxiety. I did not want to tell any of the staff there what I had. Simple reason :
When I have to do something on the other day, I get freaked out that I won't fall asleep. It will make me dizzy, I will not perform well, I will f*ck up somewhere. Then the next question pops out in my head : what will happen if I have to stay there for more than a day? If I don't fall asleep the first night I will make it, but what about the second one ... the third one ... while I think about that I become extremely anxious. Not as bad as before, I almost fainted on few occasions.
The thought of not falling asleep, thus not performing well is just killing me. Whatever it is. Even If I want to go camping, '' Will I fall asleep there ? What If I'm tired ? I won't be able to drive back home.". That kind of thinking really destabilizes me mentally. I am not handicapped because of my anxiety but I can hardly concentrate when anxious.
Another example could be ... my drivers license. First time I was so anxious that I wouldn't fall asleep, I stood awake for 4 hours and took diazepam. Well, I failed the exam since the pill made me dizzy on the other day. Then I said to myself, screw it, If I fail it I don't care. IN a month I retook the test, Managed to fall asleep and passed the test.
All the time when I say '' F**k it'', I do it without problems.
That damn thought about me falling asleep is just like a curse. What If I sleep in barracks , HOW am I going to fall asleep. Really, really stupid way of thinking.
I went to see a psychologist. I'm still in therapy, but so far I'm not for medication. She said I lack self-esteem because of my upbringing (father was working far away, mother was pressuring me into studies) - > I never did anything manual, and was rejected by my family when I wanted to do something. So I grew up without having self-esteem, the kind that you need to be sure you'll make it.
Now in University, I am no longer anxious. I don't give a damn If I won't fall asleep for the exam, because I've done a few times and I've made it so far.
School is one thing. I want to get a normal job at a gas station this summer. " How am I gonna make it every day !??! It will be impossible. University yeah, I did an year not lots of sleep but ... work is different. I have to perform. I don't want to get fired. I'll die in shame.". I think that you get what is going on in my head ... anything that has to do with studying and exams does not stress me at all. Not even final tests. When I do them, my pulse is the same as at rest . I start thinking about WORK or HAVING TO DO SOMETHING, bam, pulse goes up by at least 15/min, shortness of breath, dizzyness, and insomnia.
I jsut don't know what to do. I've been like this for the past two years. No matter what I do to improove my self esteem, it always comes back at me with severe anxiety. I'm not depressed, but I feel worthless and a loser compared to my friends. They work hard, never complain about it. I'm afraid of being a reject, a loser in life. And the thought of sleep makes me anxious all the time. I'm even afraid to go on a vacation -> probly I won't be able to '' make it''.
Sorry for the long post and sorry if I made some mistakes. English is my third language.
Thank you for reading this.
Stan