savingkie
05-02-2014, 01:48 PM
I've been suffering with OCD (Mainly pure-o about mental illness/schizophrenia/self harm/suicide) and emetephobia my whole life, and I am not finishing up my first year of high school. Starting in November of this year, my anxiety greatly increased. I saw such a large return in my emetephobia and OCD that I had trouble getting to school, let alone staying in every class for the whole day. By December break, I was on a trial of the first SSRI I've ever tried, Zoloft. And only on a sub-theraputic dose, I suffered MANY side effects, such as insomnia, nausea, diarrhea, loss of appetite (I ended up losing around 10 pounds over 4 weeks on the medication), dilated pupils, uncontrollable crying, and an out of control, "crazy"- like feeling. Every day during those 4 weeks, I spent most of my time in my room crying, begging to be taken off the medication. By the time I finally convinced my psychiatrist and my parents to let me go off the medication, it was almost February. After going off the medication, my family and I decided to find a new therapist and psychiatrist, as the one I had just branded my condition to be panic disorder and threw me on Zoloft. After spending so much time alone, isolated, I started to develop depression, as I'm most likely prone to it. Normally, I suffer with a bit of yearly seasonal affective disorder during the winter, but this felt different, and it still has not disappeared, even though it is now spring. These past 6 months have been absolute torture for me, and I've seen a very large spike in my OCD symptoms, as well as the onset of depression (loss of interest in activities I used to love, loss of motivation for schoolwork/anything in general, feelings of extreme sadness and despair, stomach upsets, slowness/laziness, constant fatigue, etc). Prior to November of this year, I was happy-go-lucky, excitable, and optimistic. I played basketball competitively and for the school team, and I also played volleyball for the school team. I was an honor roll student, and I was always extremely motivated to do my work and get good grades, and I was always shooting to be in every possible honors class. I would hang out with my friends every weekend, and I had a large passion for attending concerts and meeting new people. Now, all of that has disappeared. My grades have slipped, I struggle finding the motivation to do ANY schoolwork, I no longer participate in sports, I don't really like attending concerts as they're so much work to get ready for and they produce so much anxiety, and although I still talk and text all of my friends and see them when I'm in school, I rarely hang out with them on weekends. I no longer have large ambitions for when I grow up, and I've lost sight of any direction of what I truly want to do in my life, opposed to when I used to be overly eager to grow up and be successful in my life (I really wanted to be a photographer, marine biologist, social media expert, fashion photographer, or maybe even work alongside famous people- it didn't really matter, as I had always thought that I would make sure that I'd be doing something I loved). My parents and I have always had a healthy, fun relationship, but it has now turned into constant fights and stress. My own father will barely talk to me and when he does we get in full on fights, and my mom does everything she can for me, but it's even becoming too much for her. My family is extremely stressed out, and it seems as if all of us are constantly on edge/angry/upset/stressed. My dad often loses his temper and screams extremely hurtful things at me, and I try to ignore it as it's so negative and it really makes me feel so much more anxious, but I really can't hear it anymore. I feel so guilty about creating constant stress for my parents by missing school, and I wish that I could just be normal and function so that everything could return to normal. My parents are threatening to send me to a special school (most likely a boarding school) and they refuse to let me temporarily try online school just so I have some time to try to recover. I'm seriously concerned as I don't want to ruin my life by deterring my educational and social development, but it's gotten to the point where I seriously can not function, and I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, especially when school is in the picture. While all my friends are out having a great time (they recently all went to Cancun together and I didn't even get invited as I haven't been involved with them and they probably figured I wouldn't go), I feel like I'm here wasting my life away.
In an attempt to cure my anxiety, my family and I have tried:
-Talk therapy (I was in and out as needed from age 5-now)
-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (Which I'm currently in with an outstanding therapist, and I know that I should be seeing improvement, but I have seen none)
-Exposure Response Therapy (Which my therapist gave up on, as I had such a serious reaction to trying to stop my compulsions- which are eating gum and mints and drinking water in order to try to prevent nausea/gagging- I just started bawling and panicking.)
-The Bio-Tuner (I'm not even sure what this one is, but it's supposed to relieve anxiety and depression, and you attach it to your earlobes and it sends electric currents to your brain I believe?)
-SSRIs/anti-depressants (Zoloft)
-Being tested for vitamin deficiencies (I was greatly Vitamin D deficient, my levels were 14/40, yet I've been on Vitamin D drops since January and I've seen no improvement)
-Inositol (A form of Vitamin B8, and it seriously seemed to work last week- I started it last week- and I felt completely back to normal, so over last weekend, we upped the dosage, and I saw a return in my symptoms, so we went back down to the original dosage this Wednesday, but I still have not felt better, I just feel the same as I did before we started it.)
-Genetic testing for mutations (It's a long process, and I just had my consultation yesterday, and I'm getting the bloodwork done sometime soon, but I pretty much won't have an answer/solution for another 3 months, and I need something to help me immediately, as I really need to finish out this year of school)
-One or two other natural remedies
-Eating healthier (For some reason I have big trouble doing so, even though I know my diet is absolutely horrible- it basically consists of carbohydrates)
-Getting back to exercise/sports (I have no motivation to do either, and exercise now makes me extremely anxious as I am out of shape, therefore I get out of breath, which makes me even more anxious, plus I constantly feel like gagging while I'm playing sports, which is why I decided to stop playing in the first place)
-Forcibly going to school (Has only made me worse)
-A 504 plan for school (My school still isn't that accommodating, but understandably I guess)
-Meditation
-Positive thinking exercises
-Muscle Relaxation
-SONACAID music (I believe that's what it's called- it's designed to encourage positive thinking)
-And most of all, I have been trying my absolute best to get back on my feet, but it seems as if I just can't do it, no matter how hard I try.
I'm seriously starting to feel like a lost cause, and I feel pretty hopeless, as it seems like everything we try doesn't work. If anyone has any suggestions or advice, it would be GREATLY appreciated-you can be brutally honest, because if it sounds like I'm thinking wrong, I'd love to know. Thank you for your time! :)
In an attempt to cure my anxiety, my family and I have tried:
-Talk therapy (I was in and out as needed from age 5-now)
-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (Which I'm currently in with an outstanding therapist, and I know that I should be seeing improvement, but I have seen none)
-Exposure Response Therapy (Which my therapist gave up on, as I had such a serious reaction to trying to stop my compulsions- which are eating gum and mints and drinking water in order to try to prevent nausea/gagging- I just started bawling and panicking.)
-The Bio-Tuner (I'm not even sure what this one is, but it's supposed to relieve anxiety and depression, and you attach it to your earlobes and it sends electric currents to your brain I believe?)
-SSRIs/anti-depressants (Zoloft)
-Being tested for vitamin deficiencies (I was greatly Vitamin D deficient, my levels were 14/40, yet I've been on Vitamin D drops since January and I've seen no improvement)
-Inositol (A form of Vitamin B8, and it seriously seemed to work last week- I started it last week- and I felt completely back to normal, so over last weekend, we upped the dosage, and I saw a return in my symptoms, so we went back down to the original dosage this Wednesday, but I still have not felt better, I just feel the same as I did before we started it.)
-Genetic testing for mutations (It's a long process, and I just had my consultation yesterday, and I'm getting the bloodwork done sometime soon, but I pretty much won't have an answer/solution for another 3 months, and I need something to help me immediately, as I really need to finish out this year of school)
-One or two other natural remedies
-Eating healthier (For some reason I have big trouble doing so, even though I know my diet is absolutely horrible- it basically consists of carbohydrates)
-Getting back to exercise/sports (I have no motivation to do either, and exercise now makes me extremely anxious as I am out of shape, therefore I get out of breath, which makes me even more anxious, plus I constantly feel like gagging while I'm playing sports, which is why I decided to stop playing in the first place)
-Forcibly going to school (Has only made me worse)
-A 504 plan for school (My school still isn't that accommodating, but understandably I guess)
-Meditation
-Positive thinking exercises
-Muscle Relaxation
-SONACAID music (I believe that's what it's called- it's designed to encourage positive thinking)
-And most of all, I have been trying my absolute best to get back on my feet, but it seems as if I just can't do it, no matter how hard I try.
I'm seriously starting to feel like a lost cause, and I feel pretty hopeless, as it seems like everything we try doesn't work. If anyone has any suggestions or advice, it would be GREATLY appreciated-you can be brutally honest, because if it sounds like I'm thinking wrong, I'd love to know. Thank you for your time! :)