rock bottom sadness and fear

[laura1989]

hello everyone,

my name is laura, and i am new to this forum, but not to the struggles of anxiety and depression. normally i try to deal with my anxiety internally, but i am having a lot of trouble living my day to day life without constant feelings of fear, worry, doubt, hopelessness, and depression. i have dealt with bouts of anxiety, depression, and OCD-like behaviours/thoughts since childhood (i'm 25 now), and i have successfully managed to get through these times on my own, for the most part.

lately, like many others i'm sure, i have been having a lot of anxiety about my health. i have always been very health-conscious (i keep a vegan diet, i am a huge fitness enthusiast, don't smoke or drink...), and somewhat fearful of becoming ill, but lately this anxiety has reached a point where it is truly interfering with my life and general happiness. i am feeling quite hopeless lately, and i feel very empty and depressed, so i don't know where to turn for some advice anymore.

my aunt was recently diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour, which is what really triggered this fear to become so much worse for me. i'm having a really bad day today also due to the fact that i attended a funeral earlier this morning for someone who died from lung cancer. the number of people i know that have cancer, or have died from cancer, is terrifyingly high, and lately i feel like the prospect of myself, or someone else i care deeply for, also getting cancer at some point in this lifetime seems very real and inescapable. typically when i have had bouts of anxiety or OCD about other things, i could deal with it to a certain degree by telling myself that i am being irrational. with health anxiety, especially a fear of cancer, i am finding it extremely difficult to reassure myself by telling myself that i'm being irrational, because cancer IS a very widespread illness that affects so many people. i almost feel like it's just a waiting game, that eventually i will become sick, or that someone dear to me will become sick. i have a routine medical exam scheduled for next week, and i'm so afraid that something bad will come from it.

i am also at a point in my life where things are going to be changing - foremost, my boyfriend and i are currently building our first home together. i am truly SO excited and SO happy about our future home and lives together, and i feel like it's a dream come true! but my anxiety and depression are preventing me from fully enjoying this very exciting time. i have this feeling of dread, almost as if something bad is going to happen that will take away the chance to live with my boyfriend finally (after almost 10 years of being together - yes we plan to get married as well) and enjoying our brand new dream home together. its sad because its almost to a point where i'm avoiding any conversation about our house, and actually almost ignoring the fact that its actually happening because there is so much fear surrounding it. i'm devastated by this and realize how ridiculous that probably sounds but i can't seem to help it some days :( it's like i don't want to build myself up for a let down.

i want to thank anyone in advance who has taken the time to read this, and i would truly appreciate any positive comments that fellow anxiety-sufferers may have to share, as i feel that i have nowhere to turn to right now :(

i hope the rest of you all are having a good day

laura

[em1]

Hello there Laura :) I'm Emma
I've had panic attacks,thoughts,anxiety for years so I know how your feeling.
When you hear or have been to a funeral no matter if you have anxiety or
Not these thoughts in your head are normal.
This time in your life is amazing trust me
And wow building your own home that's a dream.

Are you on any medication to help ?
Using herbal remedies?
Lavender baths to relax you?
Reading on panic attacks etc helps
Relaxation tapes help some
People.

Your not alone,this will
Pass and get better,I know I've been there like a yoyo lol
Take care

[laura1989]

hi emma,

thank you so much for replying :) it always helps to just have someone to reach out to
currently i am not medicated nor am i speaking with a psychiatrist or anything...my preference is to not resort to prescription drugs but i am open to and will likely look into seeing someone eventually

i have done lavender baths, as well as yoga practice regularly, running on forest trails in my neighbourhood, listening to my favourite music, as well as watching some relaxation videos on youtube - all of which help me temporarily

i know logically that these events usually will pass, it's just so terrifying and stressful in the moment :( always to the point of showing physical symptoms...which then worsen the vicious cycle of self-diagnosing, lol :(

thank you again for your words,

laura

[snowberry]

Hi Laura. :)

Like you I have a lot of health anxiety. Like you, I'm twenty five and have struggled with anxiety and depression since childhood. Also, lately, it seems to have 'changed' and now I too am getting this weird sort of rock-bottom depression out of nowhere. It seems to be every month now (usually around my ovulation time) and it's horrible. You're not alone in feeling like crap, believe me. I can't remember the last time I felt an emotion like 'excitement' or 'happiness'. It's truly been about ten years, I'd say.

I've decided that I've lived like this long enough and, once my studies are over this June, I'm going to talk to my doctor about getting put on meds. I feel like I owe it to myself to try them. I don't deserve to live like this and while I have many coping mechanisms, I just feel like something has 'changed' - something in the atmosphere, something in my gut, and I can't get back to where I was before the giant panic attack last August that set everything off. I think meds are the answer.

Yoga and running and meditation do very little for me, tbh. I have had a very normal childhood without any serious trauma, so I am sure my anxiety/depression is genetic and chemical-based rather than as the result of a bad experience, so I'm not sure if therapy and meditation and the like will really help me much.

If you decide to try meds, let us know. I always feel like it's worth it to try - if you don't like them then you can stop taking them.

[JohnC]

Hi Laura'
I know what you mean about the cancer worries for sure. There's so much on the TV and the books and all the internet and every time someone does get it people tend to let others know who let others know etc. I think it gets drummed into our heads and we DON'T want it. Sounds like you take care of yourself and eat right and your young so try and relax. If it makes you feel better see your doc and reassure yourself. The changes in your life like building a house ( awesome ) can also be a bit stressful. Hang in there and please take a look at some of the really good uplifting info that you can find on this forum. Welcome.

[laura1989]

hi snowberry and john,
thank you so much for your replies, both gave me some insight. my wellness and fitness routines like trail running and yoga definitely help me out in the short-term, but i'm sort of at a point where i don't really think anything will rid me of this problem for good, all i can do is really control it through various outlets...i'm truthfully really against prescriptions and probably won't try them.

i'm having a little bit of a better time this week, been keeping busy so i think my mind is just occupied...i've always found that if i keep myself busy and my mind set on other things, rather than sitting around thinking, i don't feel the anxiety as much. i'm very much an introverted, analytical minded person, so if my mind is left to it's own devices, the anxiety gets out of control.

i have to go for an ultrasound this week, which is making me really nervous. it's routine but i always have this feeling of dread with medical exams...i always have this sick sense that something bad will come from it :( so today i'm not feeling the greatest.

thanks again for your replies
laura

[JohnC]

I am the same way. When my mind is busy no anxiety but give me a second without something going on and then hello anxiety. I am also the same with the doctor thing. I could be going in with one of the kids and be afraid that the doc will look at me and see something wrong. well, that might be a slight exaggeration but you know what i am saying.
Good luck Laura

[kgzbv]

I understand what you are thinking Laura. I too am very analytical , an introvert and have a strong tendency to withdraw into my head and stay there. Really bad thoughts surface then. They are centered primarily on my wife getting breast cancer. I am so afraid that it is nearly impossible for me to function until she gets her results. I haven't found much that that helps me during this time. I suppose it is comfort to know someone else thinks like I do. I can't tell my wife about the fear and anxiety over this issue. I am really afraid of telling her.
John

[snowberry]

I too am introverted - we probably all think way too much. Getting out more, seeing friends more often, may be a good idea. Problem is I don't have a whole ton of close friends, and work and money makes it hard to see them as often as I'd like.