Really Bad Day

[Kabukicho]

Hello,

I have had bad anxiety all my life. It progressed into full-blown panic attacks in 2012. I am prescribed Xanax 2 mg daily for insomnia and anxiety. I have recently been using more than 2 mg a day, without my doctor's knowledge. I also drink alcohol on top of the Xanax. It doesn't make me crazy or do anything bad. It makes me fall asleep. I will often have 2 mg Xanax and a bottle of wine in the evening. It provides me comfort and rest. I do not drink in the mornings or during the day and I function fine at graduate school. I go running for 20-25 minutes every day. I have a girlfriend and a job lined up for after graduation this spring. Basically, for about a year or so, this Xanax and alcohol habit has been working just fine. Recently, not so much.

I have been on many antidepressants and none of them have worked.

The Xanax use and the alcohol consumption have been escalating recently.

Last night I drank 2 bottles of wine and only had .5 mg of Xanax. I slept poorly.

Today, I feel truly off. I am having all of the old anxiety symptoms that I had before the Xanax / alcohol started. My heart is beating very fast and the world doesn't seem real (depersonalization / derealization).

I am just really scared. I cried a lot this morning. I need to tell my doctor that my Xanax use is escalating. But I don't want to talk about the alcohol abuse, because I'm afraid he will cut me off of the benzo's, or something.

I don't know. My anxiety and insomnia are beasts lately and a night without sleep leaves me wrecked the next day. I thought my habits of self-medication were sustainable, but they're not. I really thought alcohol use was an answer to anxiety, but it's getting completely out of control.

[Kabukicho]

I have an addictive personality, and I'm really scared to admit that to anybody for fear of being labeled.

[Riley20]

Hi,

It must be a really difficult conversation to have with your doctor but unfortunately it seems as though it's one of those things that will have to happen. I'm sure they won't think anything less of you - they're doctors and I'm sure they've seen and heard a lot of difficult stories that are worse than you innocently trying to medicate yourself. Maybe you should try to cut down the alcohol consumption before you see the doctor so that you can be positive with the doctor when you're explaining - if you realise that it's a problem now and you've tried to limit it etc then I'm sure they'll be even more understanding.

Sadly though it seems like you will have to tell them so that they can prescribe you something different or stronger so that you don't have to turn to alcohol to help you sleep.

I have an addictive personality too so I never drink, probably related to my anxiety because I know I have the addictive personality so I'm always worried I'll not be able to stop.

Good luck

[Kabukicho]

Thanks for your kind words.

I am always trying to cut down on the alcohol consumption, but lately the evening anxiety and insomnia have been quite bad. Hence, the Xanax usage is also up.

My desire to drink is greatly curtailed when I am on an appropriate amount of Xanax--the only problem is, that dose, too, has been escalating.

I will contact my doctor this week and explain the situation to him as best I can, and perhaps try for some sort of longer acting benzo like Klonopin. I trust my doctor but I don't trust him to the extent that I feel comfortable / not guilty about fully revealing my alcohol consumption. I don't want to be stigmatized or labeled in anyway. I don't want it to be in my medical records that I "abuse alcohol." He knows I drink to curb anxiety, and that benzos reduce that desire to drink.

Thanks, again.